fun with others, or not

Started by jamesG.1, March 31, 2018, 09:14:51 PM

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jamesG.1

Entering yet another new phase.

This one seems to be about finding out what I'm like underneath the meds and trying to work with the singed remains. And, as always is handing me a few curves to spice it up. (it's what it does)

Having moved to Wales I now have a few old friends here and it's been really good. But suddenly I'm hitting an odd one. My pal is at a crossroads careerwise and is looking to see what I can help him decide to do. But his drive is negligible and he's totally focussed on what he doesn't want to do. This is in total opposition to what I am trying to do. I mean, for all of us in here, if we embrace the negatives then you may as well jump; into a chest freezer and stay there til they invent an anti depressant that makes you rich.

His life situation is infinitely better than mine, but he's leaning on me heavily for answers that he is essentially unwilling to see, and which are mostly bang in front of him. This is a challenge for me, because I'm really struggling to match what I need to do against what I can do and tho I'm much improved, on days like today, the contact with him left me ragged.

It really derails my ability to move in a straight line in a forward direction because he seems oblivious to even the most basic tools of self analysis and self criticism. He's making all his inertia the fault of something or someone else but he simply cannot just sit down and focus long enough to make an impact on things.

Meanwhile, here I am, knee deep in yet another gruelling round of projects, tapering my meds, battling insomnia, uncertain about when I'll get paid and worst of all, unable to fully focus on my writing and it's promotion. I also have a sagging pile of admin, bills I can't focus on enough to pay.

And yet, he seems to need me to carry him.

Meanwhile, I have another friend who is finally dealing with a long-term narcissist who seems to need coaching and it's starting to mount up.

There is an irony to all this C-PTSD lark. It seems to me that the very act of having it and working to understand it makes you very attractive to people seeking strength. I've undoubtably learnt a huge amount about psychology and life through all this but I'm not doing that to pass a degree, I simply what to gain the tools to slip the shackels and gain a happier life.

This old and dear pal is doing it all wrong. At least he is like a reflection of me as I was, flailing around and leaning on the wrong things to ease the tension. Yet now I can see it so clearly in him that the frustration is huge, especially as he seesm blind to my obvious distress signals when things are going up blind alleys.

An example

He wanted a demonstration on some software I use, so I gave him a demo. Almost everything I said he claimed to already know. Sigh.

How do you explain to someone that you really like, and really care about, that they need to scrub their ego with a wire brush and stop worrying about status and opinions the world may have of them. Maybe it's THE BIGGEST lesson in my journey, the realisation that I can approach life in any direction I want, but most importantly, the direction that most suits me. He and I are both from art college, we studied together here in the 1980s but whereas I seem to have negotiated myself out of the crippling insecurity that our "lecturers" imposed on us, he seems to still be trapped like a pinned moth.

But I can see why he's stuck, the fear of letting go of the defences is massive, daunting and induces a nakedness that is like a distilled anxiety dream. But I am certain, CERTAIN, that releasing yourself from this invisible forcefield is vital to being happy, and especially so if you are a creative.

For now, I just dearly want to make him concentrate and work, so that he stops using me as a band aid. He doesn't need me, he needs himself to pull back and renovate his reasons for doing things.

I dunno. It's tough to learn things so important and yet not being able to just download them into people to save them the time and energy.

Rainagain

Sounds exhausting James.

I don't think there are many short cuts in getting a grip, your friend will have to find his own way, like the rest of us.

These days I think back to half remembered conversations with wise people and grasp what they meant more fully than I could at the time.

Your wisdom won't stick until your friend is ready and able to see it.

But hurrah for you trying to help, if people want the benefit of a clear perspective like yours they are going to have to put the work in themselves, its a shame but its true (I think).

I have a lot of time for country sayings, 'you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink' applies to this situation.

Your frustration must be partly due to how far you have travelled I'd guess, so its a positive thing in some ways.