New--Embracing the Idea of Trauma

[Letterness]

Hi, just wanted to introduce myself. I usually like to write tons but not feeling it today.

I have been seeing a lovely counselor for a few months now. I had seen her before about 10 years previous for a few years. Although I figured trauma (a concept which has been on my radar for several years now) from an emotionally abusive/emotionally neglectful childhood was at play in what in the past I had termed "depression", she recently came out and said, basically, that of course I have (C)PTSD, so here I am.

I have tackled a lot over the years and feel "OK", but I am currently thinking a lot about invisibility/feeling marginalized and emotional numbness. I think I have reached a new plateau where my survival strategies that had previously worked well and got me to "OK" are no longer working since I'm still not able to be 100% authentic. Nor does it feel safe to be. But I want to be.

The short version is I was raised by an M with some kind of personality disorder and an F who may be ASD. They divorced when I was young so they affected me separately in their own ways. I am no-contact with M. My aging father is in ill health so I have had a lot more contact with him than I would normally choose, and this is bringing up all kinds of triggers for me, the most common of which, beside the fact that the man doesn't really know me, is "meanness" and being underestimated/dismissed.

I am an adult woman and tired of feeling like I'm five/twelve/whathaveyou!

[Dee]

Welcome,

I understand caring for a parent that I would want to be in too much contact with otherwise.  I did actually tell my mother the other day that she knows nothing about me; she doesn't.  My mom is mean and will scold me like a child, then I too feel like a child. 

I am very glad you have a good therapist, as do I.  I feel you have a lot to contribute here and hope you stick around.

[Dee]

My family is super dysfunctional, to include my sister and her immediate family.  It took me a long time to learn that I can't look for support in someone who isn't healthy, won't admit it, and won't get treatment.  My sister has been covertly abusive to me.  She has treated me like I am not an equal, her sister with all the problems.  She wants to tell me what to do, what to buy, what to think.  The truth is, I am far more healthy than she is.

I have been able to make friends lately.  Real friends, that don't judge me and supports me.  I admit, I don't totally trust them.  However, I am working towards that.  The only people I really trust are my therapist and my kids.

[Blueberry]

Welcome Letterness