Healed enough to lay charges *CSA trigger warning*

Started by songbirdrosa, April 02, 2018, 09:20:07 AM

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songbirdrosa

I felt like this is a big enough update to warrant letting you guys know about, and I also would like some perspective from people who really get it.

Lately, one of my therapists has been asking me about anonymously reporting my eldest brother for his abuse of me. At first I balked at the idea, but as I've had time to think it over I've realised that for me, an anonymous report wouldn't go far enough. I have a very developed sense of justice, and I'm beginning to realise that I'd need more to be truly satisfied within myself. Not so much to get revenge, but to know that I had done everything within my power to ensure that he never had the opportunity to do it again. That him "getting away with it" so to speak, wasn't just due to my silence. One thing in particular that has spurred me on to this conclusion is that I've been made aware that he's seeking to become a child care worker, and that he has regular access to his friend's young daughter.

For the last twenty years, I've been protecting him. Keeping his secret, putting myself in uncomfortable situations, and trying to ignore his suggestive comments. All to maintain a "normal" family relationship. But I can see now that all that's achieved is to hurt me even more. He doesn't deserve it, and so far hasn't given me any reason to believe that he'll do anything positive if given a second chance. Though to be frank, it'd be more like a fiftieth chance at this point.

I've done some research into what I would have to do to lay charges, and the procedure once I do that. Considering how long ago it was and the fact that there's no real evidence left, it seems the simplest path I can hope for is that he plead guilty right from the start. Even if that does happen, I'm under no illusions that this will be anything other than difficult, and I'm going to need a lot of inner strength and a fabulous support network in place before I can even think of moving forward down this road. But it's becoming clearer that it's the road I need to take.

Dee


On our books page is the book, Life With My Idiot Family.  She took action more than 30 years after.  She had no real evidence, but as I read I understood there is all types of evidence.  She won her case.  She also had to fight and change the statue of limitations law to be able to do it.  Her case did go to trial, but she got her day in court.  I think she benefited from that.

Yes, you absolutely will need support.  While we are all here for you.  Also, I suspect there may be local support group.

When I first came to this site I would say that nothing good came out of my dad's conviction.  With therapy, I don't see it that way anymore.  I use to feel so guilty about it and I no longer do.  I can really look at it and feel validation.  Not to mention another victim came out after his death and I know I wasn't the only one.  I know that I probably saved other's with his conviction, there would of been more victims once I wasn't available.

sanmagic7

i give you all the credit in the world for this decision, songbird.  it's a tough one, but i'm glad you took your time, allowed your healing to get you to a place where you could do this. 

yes, of course, you have support from here, possibly a victims' advocate group (if available), someone who could be with you when you do this, or if you have to go to court.  i'd go with you if i could. 

sending you a hug filled with all the strength and courage you need, total agreement with what you want to do and why, and hope that it goes as smoothly as possible.  lots of love to you, sweetie. 

songbirdrosa

Thank you both for your input :). I'll have a look at that book, it seems like it could really help.

I'm fortunate I guess in that the laws around CSA have changed a lot in my country in the last few years, mostly because of a big investigation into abuse in institutions like schools and churches. My situation is obviously rather different, but it has still made things easier for me to go through the process.

One of the major issues I know I'll have to confront is finally telling my mother, and I think I'll have to do that before I officially file charges. I think she'd likely respond better if I tell her in person and she has time to process, rather than getting a phone call from him in a jail cell. I don't know if I should tell him I'm going to do it, or just go ahead. I don't know how likely he'd be to try to get away if he knew it was coming. I think that's one thing I'll have to run past my therapists.

My plan right now is to wait until after my other brother's wedding, then take a trusted friend with me when I make the report. I know I'll crumble if I do it alone, and I may even ask him if I can stay over at his place the night after since that's the most likely time I'll do something to myself. I'd like to do it during my uni holidays so I'm not too preoccupied with other things as well.

sanmagic7

i think telling your mother beforehand is a good idea only if she isn't going to contact him.  i don't think telling him beforehand is a good idea.  i think that would put you in a defensive position with your abuser if he knew before the fact, or it may certainly cause him to run. 

my opinion only.  often when i'm in such a position, i try to visualize the aftermath/future possibilities, and what would i be more comfortable with, or what might i regret doing/not doing.   i'm glad you have a good friend to be with you, and i think the overnight idea is a good one, too.

keep taking care of yourself - actually, reporting this is part of self-care as well as preventive care for others.  very brave and courageous, songbird.  sending a hug filled with admiration and support. 

Dee

Planning is very important.  It isn't the same situation, but when I was planning on telling my kids I role played with my therapist.  Nothing went as I imagined it, but I had some basics that I was able to stick to.  I was confident in what I was saying as I had practiced so many times.  I had also discussed my plan for after I talked to them.

Your therapist would know better, but I wouldn't recommend telling him first.  It will just give him a chance to come up with a plan.  Police never alert someone they are on the way to arrest them for a reason.