Hi - New.

[fighter]

Hi! I'm new to the forum. Recently discovered I am a CPTSD sufferer after being scapegoated my while life by narc mother (and of course the rest of the family). This was all brought back to the surface recently with Narc boss.  I am terrified of everything, people especially, so diagnosed with terrible social anxiety - I;m basically a hermit.  These diagnoses are recent (after years of imprecise diagnoses that didn't quite seem to suffice). At the age of 40, I am dealing with learning that I was abused, trying to learn to grieve, learning to feel anger (which I apparently have a LOT of) and trying to find out who I am. I have felt like a passenger in my own life for all this time.  And I have always felt so alone - I was of course told that it is my fault I am like this (because I am negative, because I am lazy, etc).  I't great to know that there are others like out there.  This is not happening to me because I am fundamentally flawed.  Reminding myself that this is a normal response for someone with my experiences.  Sending love to everyone else who feels the way I do.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum fighter 

Even though the diagnosis CPTSD is new to you, it sounds as if you already have a fairly good understanding of it. Exactly, you're not fundamentally flawed!

This is a really supportive informative place. Hope to see you more around the forum
Blueberry

[fighter]

Thank you, Blueberry

[Dee]

Welcome!

I didn't start to face things until I was 42 and so glad I have.  At 44 I am being assertive for the first time in my life.  I know what my likes are and what my dislikes are.  I'm feeling less guilt about things that were out of my control.  I've got a long way to go, but I have come a huge way!

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I suppressed the memories of abuse, remembering only some of them, until I was in my late 50's. It's strangely comforting to know that the  things I've always felt were just character flaws are symptoms of my violent and abusive background.

"After trauma the world is experienced with a different nervous system that has an altered perception of risk and safety." Bessel van der Kolk, "The Body Keeps The Score"

I hope you find info and coping strategies here that make your life easier. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi fighter so glad you are here ..
Thank you for sharing I can really relate.
Feeling alone has been something I have felt a lot in my life, I'm slowly starting to get some growth with my self forming inside and quote  'feeling a passenger in my own life' is slowly reducing. What a good way you put it I never thought of it like that.ive learnt that cptsd is an injury or reframe 'injuries' and I've made trauma informed choices in my life as a result.
This forum has been and is so healing, supportive and informative and I wish u all the best on the next part of your recovery.
You also said about social anxiety and I can and I'm sure we all can relate to this. I'm learning that who I am around is so so significant. Not so easy with work though hey and I can struggle in this area. Having safe others around is a way to learn how people can be safe and for me keeping boundaries and learning what to do when I am triggered are key.

[fighter]

Thank you, @Dee, @Three Roses and @Boatsailrose for the words of welcome and for sharing a little about yourselves! Empathy is so rare and precious <3

[California Dreaming]

Welcome fighter. I am new to the site as well. At 44 my official diagnosis was complex PTSD secondary to repeated relationship trauma. From what I understand, CPTSD is primarily born out of interpersonal experiences, so it makes sense that you are especially terrified of people. It's people who have harmed us and people who often trigger us. Fortunately, people also can help us to heal, which is what this site offers, along with a great deal of reading material. From what I have read and my direct experience, being unable to grieve and having suppressed anger and rage is common among abuse survivors. I too was the scapegoat in my abusive home. We are here to support you!

[fighter]

Thank you @California Dreaming for saying hello It means so much to feel like I am not in this alone!

[California Dreaming]

You're welcome fighter. I am glad that you are feeling less alone  I too am feeling less alone.

[Letterness]

Hi Fighter, I am new here too. Just wanted to let you know I can relate (scapegoat with a Narc Mom, "depression" diagnosis that never quite seemed like the right fit). I love the phrase "passenger in my own life"! It took some years but I have reduced the "fundamentally flawed" feeling quite a bit. I'm still working out feeling isolated and lonely. I've never formally looked into social anxiety, but I certainly spend a lot of time alone. I think I like it until I look around and realize I have let my friendships lapse once again.

Hope to see you around here more!

[Sceal]

Welcome!

[fighter]

Thank you for saying hello @Sceal and @Letterness

@Letterness, I can totally relate to the issue of letting friendships lapse.  I find that people tend not to know how to be there for me without taking from me in ways that I can't give. like if I tell them i am under the weather, then they try to make plans with meinstead of just leaving me alone which is what I really need. then I need to deal with the additional burden of letting them down gently, or doing things I don't want to do so as not to hurt their feelings - neither of these options feels good to me.  I guess it's hard to honour my own needs when dealing with others.  So I tend to isolate.

[fighter]

ive learnt that cptsd is an injury or reframe 'injuries' and I've made trauma informed choices in my life as a result.

@Boatsailrose I have been thinking a lot about this comment.  It's a new idea to me, and I had not realized, but it is so true in my own life.  Thank you for sharing that.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi fighter, so glad to hear these truths are awakening for you.
Having injuries for me has been something I've seen more and more over time. Coming more out of the dark to see the brokenness, grow aside of it and gratefully finding ways to manage and heal. Difficult times have been a companion and when I have a difficult spot I remember the injuries have been activated and showing themselves as a way for me to get the support I need and find ways to care for myself within that.
Trauma informed choices is one I've only just become aware of as I'm doing a timeline of my life with my therapist, it's a real eye opener ! Blimey I'm still alive it's nothing short of a miracle. Bounced around from one thing, situation to the next. Not knowing I wasn't loving myself because I didn't know that's what we are inherently made to do.
Time to stop now and heal quickly or slowly heal all the same.
Wishing you such the best, you deserve to have your place in the world with head up and self love