Feeling a bit used

  • 16 Replies
  • 276 Views
*

Blueberry

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • 3977
    • View Profile
Re: Feeling a bit used
« Reply #15 on: July 11, 2018, 09:48:24 AM »
The email reply was quite good. I certainly haven't been rejected or anything like what happened with those other 2 ex-friends. ... My friend and I need to discuss some things but at least she's open to that.

So I finally sent my reply to her reply. My impulse to SH is fairly high. I keep fiddling with my hair but then stop myself. Fiddling with my hair is usually a sign of me feeling self-conscious. It's an old thing though. So a bit of an EF. (Though atm probably also connected to my having to make decisions re: garden.) I remembered to think about what I want from this friend now: time. Time to let more healing take place so that I am more able to defend myself in conversation and set limits, time to let several of the problems I'm dealing with atm slowly resolve themselves, no pressure (!). Attempting to resolve this doesn't feel as if it needs to be resolved before my garden or before I contact FOO members again or do some work on my business or or or.

In my FOO looking for a solution was a rare thing in disputes because the bigger or stronger you were or the higher you were in the pecking order - well, your solution won. So the fact that I can state what I would like without being gaslighted, emotionally crushed or whatever that still feels novel.

She also apologised for going over my boundaries, though I'm not sure if that's the issue. I think it's more that she seems to expect me to help look out for her boundaries while she ignores mine. But anyway, that's stuff to discuss.

We haven't discussed this. I think my original email was pretty clear actually that the problem is more than a boundary issue, but she didn't mention those additional points. This is where I must try and act differently from her going into the future if the friendship is to survive, meaning instead of hoping she understands what I meant in email and looks after my boundaries (doesn't overstep), I'm the one who needs to recognise her overstepping and react. Pretty tall order! But it just needs practice. I sure didn't like her coming back after conversations with me last year saying: "you talked too much and so I felt really bad after, it ruined my whole evening" because it wasn't my job to look after her boundaries.

She may also be hoping to discuss it by phone but I don't feel up to it. I got semi dissociated while writing reply today.
Should is
never good,
for me.

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 5577
    • View Profile
    • Out of the Storm
Re: Feeling a bit used
« Reply #16 on: July 11, 2018, 10:44:27 AM »
Wow BB, that's great progress so keep listening to the voice telling you you're doing well and not the one that says you should SH, that you shouldn't be setting boundaries, etc - it's wrong!  :yes:

 :applause:   and     :hug:

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion - Dalai Lama

When it comes to trauma, time does NOT heal all wounds.  It is embodied deeply in our heart (spirit), mind & body and requires compassionate, knowledgeable treatment and self-care.