Internal tape = Apocalypse now

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Shankara

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Internal tape = Apocalypse now
« on: April 07, 2018, 08:40:00 AM »
Not sure which title suits this thread. Maybe it diesnt really matter. Due to childhood/sexual abuse, experiencing chronic violence, I have great difficulty being in a relationship with other human beings (I'm married and we have a stable relationship). Never experienced friendships and this is something I want to work on.

Usually in the mornings when I wake up a part of me begins to ruminate and  says "Humans are unthankful, unfaithful, everyone should rot in hell" or I feel ignored, not given attention which is hurtful and I end up feeling very sad. When I have these days I also get angry that other people dont have any interest in me so I cut off contacts .A few years ago I remember leaving a party just because no one came over to talk with me. This sounds like a child who craves for attention and if she doesnt get it she is angry and hurt. Today I can somewhat reflect on this but I have made a fool out of myself while sitting on a dinnertable saying something like " I feel people should learn to be less egoistic! And ask others how they really feel, I'm very dissapointed with everyone" Huh? Then many look around wondering what I mean.?
 

This is a cycle I feel I need to change. A distorted mindset feels that "I put effort to get in touch with people, listen to them but i dont get anything in return".

Can anyone relate to this?

Thanks
« Last Edit: April 07, 2018, 11:02:36 AM by Shankara »

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sanmagic7

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Re: Internal tape = Apocalypse now
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2018, 02:46:13 PM »
i can.  i've always been the one to ask others how they are, but have rarely been asked that first.  still, i wanted the contact, so i went out of my way to get it by asking about someone else's welfare.  i think i always made sure that i looked 'together' enough that people believed i was fine.  i didn't let them see my pain, nor did i routinely ask for help/support.  the times i did ended up with the conversation turned onto the other person somehow, and i found my issues lost in the midst of supporting them once more.

in later years i've had several people ask after my well-being, but i think it was mostly after i got very sick and it was pretty obvious.  now, the only people i keep in my life are the ones who have made it very clear that they care about what's going on with me.  that adds up to 2.  the rest are friends, are ok with hearing if i'm having a problem, but don't really get into the details with me. 

i've even had t's who haven't asked.  i don't think a lot of people want to get into the grim realities of the lives of others.  not all, but a lot.  so be it.  it's why i spend a lot of time here.  this is a place where people do care.  and i'll take it.  i don't know what the answer is, just that i can relate.  love and a big hug, shankara.

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Shankara

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Re: Internal tape = Apocalypse now
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2018, 08:40:38 AM »
@Sanmagic, thank you for your supportive words.
I know I should not generalize, never jump into conclusions. Every human being lives in their own reality, with their individual struggles and focusing on different things, so how can I say “people dont care?“ who? Why? What do you want from them? What should I do ? and so on and on...
Even though my rational mind is aware of this, I feel extremely hurt, dealing with this perception right now. There were some people where I felt that a friendship could've developed over time, but never did. Thats life, thats also due to various things that just happen. Nothing can be forced.
I feel that I have genuine interest, but this is not being appreciated. I am extremely angry (Beaware a child is ranting), because I see NO ANY gratefulness. I  feel I am the one that always has to go behind others??? Why? I am done. I will cut off everyone, and will never ever get in touch. F* all.

This is an emotional reaction to my trauma...I know this. And also being aware that an action made in a moment of despair one will always (Well most of the time)  regret.

It is still very very hard, to take a step out of that thinking-feeling  mode.


Maybe somehow learning to differentiate also emotionally. Thats internal work...
« Last Edit: April 14, 2018, 09:12:30 AM by Shankara »

Re: Internal tape = Apocalypse now
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2018, 10:02:41 AM »
Hi Shankara :) I can relate to your feelings. Besides my therapist, I do not feel understood by others. It can create a sense of aloneness. These forums have helped me with this. I have tried so many different times and ways to connect with others with very little success. I used to feel as though I am looking into a glass house where everyone inside is living a "normal" life. I still do at times but not so much anymore.

My anger tends to arise in the context of the work that I do with my therapist. I have found that it arises organically and its release is therapeutic. As a child, I could not express my anger because two of my abusers, my mother and brother, were bigger and stronger than me. They made it clear at an early age that their force was greater than mine, so I quit fighting back. Not being seen or heard by others can be extremely painful!!!

I hear you on how hard it is to take the steps necessary to change. Sometimes it is difficult to even know what the steps are. Hopefully, our community can help you to feel like you are cared about.

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Andyman73

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Re: Internal tape = Apocalypse now
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2018, 10:51:55 PM »
Hi Shankara,

I think you are perfectly normal...for one who's lived the life that we have lived. That you're married shows that you do want personal relationships, even if you can't get beyond the thinking of it, part.  While I have felt this way for most my adult life...invisible and such. I've gone out of my way to limit how much of us we share with others. Only a very few others IRL know anything personal, that is, of my trauma history.

WE would love to be friend with you. WE see you, see your hurts and pain. WE can sit and be quiet friends, or chatty, what ever you like. We like listening, and really good at it too.

LIttle Shankara, we hear and see you, too. You very important to us. K? We happy to let you go in front, and listen you talk.  We good friends with San. She special special friend. She good listener too.

California Dreaming....we be friends for you too, if you like.