“You are a weak person“! An endless story

[Shankara]

Hello people,

l am struggling with an inner dynamic (I wrote about this on another thread) Which I would call as “power vs submission“ or having internalized the perpetrator. Have been diagnosed with CPTSD since a while and I have done Therapy on and off since 2012. My last Therapist worked with Ego state therapy which was helpful on some areas but I feel there is a territory where I am making very slow progress. Yes we are individuals, with different traumatic experiences, dealing with varied environments  etc.
When it comes to power and oppression I feel I am NOT digging enough into it. Example: If I feel that I wasnt assertive in a situation, lets say I didnt say something to a colleague in a certain way, then I think or a part of me  judges this as complete  weakness. This is triggering  a part who feels that she needs to leave the whole humanity behind and hide in a forest.
My M experienced vioence when she was pregnant with me, my F has  attacked her alsmot every day. So this feeling of being unsafe is always there, though it has lessend with Therapy and work.

I feel I must always be strong, assertive, feisty, quick witted, tough. I can be some of this, but I guess humans cannot always be 100% 24/7. At times I do fear other people believing if someone is against me, then I have an Enemy. It feels dangerous. So I must  juggle my way through on being empathetic to others, learning to be assertive with respect , securing my boundaries and so on. To NOT feel defeated just because I didnt have the guts to tell my opinion.

This is very very hard and I dont see much progress.

How Do you work on this?

What is true assertiveness?

How do you react to aggression from others? If you were not able to be assertive, do you feel defeated? Powerless? How can I get out of that thinking process?

Thank you.

[fighter]

Hi Shankara,
I can totally relate to what you said about wanting to leave humanity behind and hide in a forest.  My go-to-escape fantasy is a cabin in the woods. I have such a great picture of it in my mind....

I don't have any answers to your questions, but wanted to say that I hear you.

I so lack assertiveness that I have let other people decide for me who I am, what I like, how I feel.  Even with people who are not dangerous, I have allowed them to make all these decisions for me, and now that I;m seeing it, I find there is a lot of resistance when I try to tell them, "well actually, I don't like hockey... I don't want to go to bed right now, (etc)". I have a tremendous amount of shame for having my own feelings.  I also feel shame about not having had my own feelings all this time, so misrepresenting myself.  I notice now how much others expect of me, just in the little things, and it chips away at me bit by bit.  I am practising saying little things, not always in the moment, but eventually, to let people know my perspectives.  It's uncomfortable, but I am trying, and hoping it will get easier.

<3

[Shankara]

Hello Fighter,

your Cabin in the woods must be beautiful. :-)Yes, escaping, not facing, dealing with the pain is very enticing. It costs such a huge amount of strength and I feel (Not always) That I dont have the energy to go over it again and again.

You are making small steps, one at a time... thats a lot.

I'm with you on that journey, discovering pieces of ourself.

Thank you for writing.