The big Dudette

[Shankara]

Dear Comrades, Dear Purusha

why big Dudette? Because I used to watch "The Big Lebowski"over and over again. No I am not big, but I guess I somewhat idealize physically strong humans, this is logically  a result of once being helpless/powerless and now wanting to be strong enough to " fight" back. I think I am aware of the fact that  being physically strong is not the key,  rather developing something like  empowerment and a sense of self.

I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well, I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels

Operator jim croce

[sanmagic7]

jim croce is one of my favorites.  that's such a great song, too.  another one along that line is 'most of the time' by bob dylan.  the words to both those songs have hit home more than once.

the big lebowski, huh?  i agree with you, our strength comes from inside.  knowing self is a major powerhouse.

keep taking care, dudette.  big hug to you filled with power and strength.

[Shankara]

Thanks Sanmagic for your supportive words, being seen/ heard and acknowledged is very helpful. "Most of the time" from Bob Dylan!Need to check that one out!!! Yes Jim croce had that melancholic thing going, his words move me....

[Shankara]

Leaving a world behind...

was born on an island, another child to   a population with 14,...... million humans, in the 80's. Two individuals brought together from their tribe. Leaders are mostly oppressors in these tribes  and the oppressed usually obeys  because thats what you usually Do if you are conditioned that way and even if you know these rules are dispiseful you still follow in order to survive. Revolt is no sign for intelligence in this man made system. So, a man and a woman did what they had to Do, they followed the given social norms.
The Man accepted his fate with the magic bottle in his hands, the woman hoped to get free, while dreaming. His magic bottle gave him the power to revolt by beating his wife everyday, trying to kill her or erase the child. That was his own private rebellion. His private rebellion is accepted, so I guess not so private after all. This is how things work in a society where the facade should be built up with walls out of steel.  Her escape finally happend, when he once again tried to destroy her...
A few years later, another figure entered her (our) world. Moved to places, different people entering and leaving. Was put to a boarding school, a religious one. This is when I had to become  a warrior. Little warrior knew that every sign of weakness is her downfall. We sucked up, played by the rules, didnt get caught up in selfpity. The harder you get the lesser you get hurt. Thats an old mantra, and it might've worked well.

[Shankara]

They, the tribe aka family asked her to give that child of a sinner to a childrens home. “This child will remind you of him, him the sinner“. She didnt, she kept that child. She searched for safety in a world that wasnt willing to give her anything. A woman who breaks the system will be punished, will be abondoned, these stigmas will be seen no matter what.

Dear warrior,

do you remember when he tried to k** her? We went and fought with our fists. They were not accepting us, we banged against doors and asked for refuge...which we finally got. They didnt see that strength in us, they saw  waste, a product out of misery. A child of a sinner  needs to be repaired, corrected and cleaned. Two teachers recognized something in us, they said, this child has got talent, she might be intellectually gifted...? But thats of no use, born a sinner you stay a sinner...

[Shankara]

The 1990s were spent playing games with denial, their perfectly designed cognitive dissonance and taking care of a  child that has been misplaced. The misplaced child walked with the warrior, chose her words carefully, played the games and kept secrets, well hidden. Disconnection gave her sanity, unplugging and escaping....

[Shankara]

I learned to leave places very quickly,thats what nomads Do, thats what a so called hippie will Do. This idylle was to end and we left the continent, travelled, always moving....

In the end of the 90s  I again misplaced myself, my warrior went to rest, and I thought it might be time to end this journey.Landed in a psychiatric ward, and since 2012 therapy in and out. In 2015 I began my Trauma Therapy. I met a trauma Therapist who has a 20yr exprience working with traumatized individuals. She has been extremely helpful to truly work through trauma.

[sanmagic7]

shankara, that's quite a story, heartwrenching.  i'm just glad you made it out and have found someone who is helping you now.

that warrior spirit, i think many of us have it - i believe it's what's kept us alive, fighting, battling, and ultimately surviving.  i also believe that once we have it and recognize it, it's important to nurture it, claim it, and use it when necessary.  we don't always have to be warriors full on, tho, but we can also learn that as we continue to heal.

i honor that warrior spirit within you. 

thanks for sharing.  i know there are more battles to be fought, but their intensity will continue to lessen as we continue to move forward.  love and a big hug.

[DecimalRocket]

You have a wonderful way of writing that really brings out the story I notice. I like it. I like your strength. I like your bravery. I like your perseverance. Certainly not the perfect picture of it, but that's what makes it more relatable.

Thank you for sharing that. Thank you.

[Shankara]

Thank you Sanmagic and Decimalrocket. Yes, we all have a warrior within us! Thats for sure....
My replies come late, due to work etc.
Thanks Decimalrocket ! Both of your posts are encouraging.

[Shankara]

No misanthrope here, but I am no fan of humans in general. Use to read books about isolation a lot, emerson or thoreau were always very appealing. One day, if I am not completely disillusioned I will leave  to live on an island. Back here in Reality I have realized that my "I need to toughen up" thinking mode is nerve wracking! Day in and out... the constant fear that someone will have power over me.

[sanmagic7]

it sounds nerve-wracking.  maybe you're already as tough as you need to be - you've made it this far, after all. 

i've often thought of becoming a hermit, being by myself.  no expectations, pressures, tension, stress - sounds loverly.  on the other hand, i also love being around people who are laughing and having a good time.  quite the pull.  we'll see what tomorrow brings.  as will you.  keep taking care of you above all else.  loving warm hug to you, shankara.

[Shankara]

Sanmagic, thank you !!!!!!!
Get you there San! People can be people and still be nice to be with even if we all carrying our different sides to us, ambivalences and demons. I suppose most of us need the mirroring of ourselves to keep us nurtured. Thats a human thing.

[Shankara]

Have been eating  &?$* today, lots of busicuits, coke and other crap. Thats the thing with having sugar in the mouth, cannot resist that. I go to the gym twice a week which isnt enough but I am way too exhausted (Or lazy) To do more after work. Every second day Yoga is helpful but quite boring most of the time. I avoided yoga for a long time,as I was sceptical about this whole yoga craze and the tendency  to make it into something spiritual. As I began I realized it did help to calm me down, sleep better, especially the pranayama techniques. well...trying to keep it up.

[Blueberry]

It sounds to me as if you're being a bit hard on yourself. I doubt you're lazy. Twice a week at the gym! Wow. CPTSD tends to make us tired, especially in combination with healing work. So you might very well be too exhausted to get to the gym more often than you're doing. I tend to eat when exhausted. Not helpful for me generally-speaking.

I got into yoga before the yoga craze but am taking a very long break atm. I figured you might be into yoga though with your name. 

Have you seen the food issues thread? http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9194.15 It's now locked due to length and a second one started. So if it's any comfort you're certainly not the only one on here with food issues. There's a good lot of information in there, experience etc. if that could be any help. Sometimes just good to vent about it though as you did here.