Vague thoughts - just a question

Started by Hope67, April 07, 2018, 06:14:55 PM

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Hope67

I have always disliked being around knives - in the kitchen, or any other place where there might be one.  When I was a child and a teenager I used to be a bit clumsy around knives and would sometimes cut into my hand, when slicing something - but it was accidental. 

But as an adult, I still remain uneasy around knives, and wonder why I dislike them so much.  In my head, I sometimes imagine that I might take a knife and drive it into my stomach - and just thinking that thought shocks me.  But I don't think I'd act on the thought.

My partner has brought some white spirit into the room, which is for me to try to do some painting - to clean oil off paint-brushes, and seeing the white spirit in the bottle, and the fact it looks so much like 'water' - makes me think that maybe I'll come down in my sleep and end up drinking it - I have had sleep-walking and night terrors that make me do things, but I've never walked downstairs (to my knowledge) and I really do doubt I'd actually drink it in my sleep - but I am worried that I've been thinking about it.

I'm doing some inner wounded/fragmented child work currently - via a self-help book - and I'm becoming more aware of my thought patterns, and this aspect is a bit disturbing to me - and so I just wanted to write about it and see if anyone can relate and what you think about it.

I was also a bit disturbed by watching a U-tube video by Heather Gingrich (who wrote 'Restoring The Shattered Self') as she spoke about a person who had a lot of pent-up anger - and she suggested that that person might actually hurt someone - and it made me wonder if I could end up hurting myself or someone else. 

I guess the fact I'm worrying about this, makes me less likely to act on my thoughts, but I just wanted to see what people think.

Hope  :)

I have never tried to hurt myself in the past, and my way of coping is usually to over-eat.

sanmagic7

thanks for sharing, hope.  i think these dangerous thoughts are part of the process you're going thru getting in touch with all the different parts of you.  i do think, tho, that if might be a good idea, even tho you don't believe you'd consciously act on it, to make yourself feel safe about it as much as you can.

could that spirit be locked away when you're finished using it?  just for your own peace of mind.  i know i've had similar thoughts about jumping off a cliff when i've been near the edge of one, or jumping in front of a car.  don't know why it pops into my mind, either.  i don't have a fear of heights or anything, don't want to consciously hurt myself.  those thoughts have been there for many years, since i was in my teens.

i can only say you're not alone, but i don't know what causes this phenomenon.  now that i'm thinking of it, it's weird to me.  keep yourself safe, hope.  you're processing a lot right now.  love and hugs.

California Dreaming

Hi Hope. I happened to read some of one of your earlier posts this morning. I couldn't read it all because it was too triggering for me. That said, I am somewhat familiar with how much inner work you have been doing lately. There is a name for your experience, "The Imp of the Perverse." I call it the perverse impulse. I have experienced this for many years but thought that it was too weird to talk about. Someone let me know that there was a name for it, and I instantly felt better. I find it very strange that humans have such thoughts, but I now know that I am not the only one. Apparently, Edgar Allen Poe wrote a short story about 150 years ago titled "The Imp of the Perverse." Reading about it can be disturbing, so I hope that you will explore it when you are not so deep in your inner work. There is a Harvard researcher who studies the phenomenon. An important point is that we tend to have these thoughts arise when we are under a great deal of stress. It makes sense to me that you would be having these thoughts come up at this time.

I agree with you and sanmagic7. You talking about this makes it far less likely that you would act on your thoughts, and locking up the white spirit may help you to feel safe.

One more thing. If you are not already aware of it, those of us with CPTSD sometimes can have a difficult time pacing ourselves when it comes to inner work. It took me a long time to learn when it is time to swim out of the deep end of the pool. I try to limit my more difficult trauma work to times when I am feeling safe enough. Put another way, if I am not feeling so well I avoid trauma work.

I hope that you take good care of yourself, being kind and gentle to yourself.

Hope67

Hi SanMagic,
I have put the white spirit away - just in a cupboard with other cleaning type products, so it's not locked up, but somehow just being out of sight makes it feel better already.  Thanks for your reply here and I agree with what you said about getting in touch with different parts of me means also getting in touch with thoughts that maybe I would normally push away or try not to take notice of - but then it would be like 'don't think of the pink rabbit in the room' - and then it would be there prominently wanting to be taken notice of!  I also acknowledge that it's down to being more stressed too - that I'm experiencing these things.  But I'm accepting it as a process and I am feeling better about it - especially having discussed it here and got the helpful replies from you and California Dreaming.  Thank you  :hug:

California Dreaming - Thank you so much for your considered thoughts on this, and I appreciate that you read some of my posts, and sorry that some was too triggering for you - I completely understand that.  I found your information on "The Imp of the Perverse" to be really helpful - and I felt ok to look it up online and read more about it, and came across the Harvard researcher's writings about it, which were really useful.  It has made me feel a lot better about it - having heard now of those things.   Thank you so much. 

I've put the white spirit away - it's not locked up, but then neither are the knives - and although I've always disliked the knives, I don't believe I would do anything to hurt myself.    Funny that even at that point, a small voice in the back of my mind utters something representing doubt, but I really don't think I would.

***Trigger warning
I am getting a flashback right at this moment to an event that happened when I was 17 years old, and I was suffering from glandular fever at the time (but didn't know that I had that) and I was on holiday with my FOO and I was sweating buckets at night in the room, and there were railings outside the window, and I really felt suicidal at that time, and had considered throwing myself out of the window onto the railings - and I even have the visual scene of that - i.e. as if I had done it - and that comes back to me now and again - I didn't act on those thoughts, but it fascinates me that I seem to think about spiking my stomach with sharp objects - as an image that is consistent.  I've NEVER acted on any of those thoughts - it's just a theme that I've noticed.  I wonder why.

I wasn't expecting to write about that - but think it's relevant somehow.

Anyway, I would like to thank you both (SanMagic and California Dreaming) for sharing your thoughts - I found both your replies to be very helpful and also validating of my experience.

Hope  :)

Blueberry

Hope, some of this is familiar to me. Sometimes exceedingly violent images of things either happening to me by some invisible hand or me doing things to myself used to appear in my head quite often. It's now less common. I never, ever did any of these terrible things to myself, nor were they done to me.

My explanation for myself was that they were symbolic of the absolutely awful emotional hurt done to me by FOO and of course by myself. I continued what FOO did to me, in a milder form but nonetheless.

I also used to have images of myself doing dangerous things like just keep on cycling into a truck instead of stopping at my required stop sign. I never ever acted on that kind of thing either. I didn't stop cycling though because it's my main method of transportation. Once somebody else told me she managed to stop those kind of thoughts by telling herself that she was in control of her body and mind and nobody else could force her to do those things. I can see where that would link with being traumatised though I didn't at the time. OTOH we know cognitive sentences alone don't always work. Worth a try though.

You're not alone  :hug: :hug: