**Trigger Warning: Cult-related sexual abuse

Started by California Dreaming, April 09, 2018, 11:32:11 AM

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California Dreaming

At the risk of returning to a triggered state, I feel compelled to write. I will not provide a graphic version of my experience, and I will limit the length of my post. I simply feel the need to reach out in an effort to connect with others in the community.

I was sexually abuse from 25 to 27 years old by a religious cult leader. In the way of background, my brother sexually abused me from age 8 to 12. I will share more on this at another time. There is no doubt that this set me up for the abuse as an adult. Sometimes, it still blows my mind that I allowed another man to abuse me in my adulthood.

He was 5 years older than me and groomed me for 3 years. He successfully brainwashed me into believing that me providing him with sex resulted in him receiving higher revelation from god. In my mind, him having higher revelation meant that more people will be helped by god through him.

He was a gay man and I a heterosexual man. Throughout the entire time, I was married, and we had a very young son. He continued his long-term partnership, and his partner was well aware of our "arrangement." Retrospectively, I have been able to recognize that I was essentially a sex slave. There is no other way for me to describe my experience. Naturally this has profoundly affected my views on religion and the like.

At some point after escaping this scene in the horror show of my life, I said to myself, "I didn't know that darkness on the Earth could be so dark." As, I discovered many years later, there was even greater darkness for me to experience.

Dee


It is called spiritual abuse and it happens.  It has occurred so much that there is a name for it and a definition, unfortunately.  Like you, I was sexually abused as a kid.  Because of that I didn't understand relationships, boundaries, nor was I able to recognize abuse.  It left me totally unable to protect myself.  I found myself in an abusive marriage and it wasn't until I was divorced did I understand just how abusive it was.  I've grown since then and I believe capable of protecting myself now.  I at least understand boundaries and can defend them.  It took two years of therapy to be able to get here, but I am.  How are you doing with it?

:hug:

woodsgnome

#2
I can relate to the pain, confusion, and hypocrisy expressed in your telling, California Dreaming.

The differences for me were my age (elementary/high school), abusers (religious teachers from both genders) and the veil of organized religion used as a shroud to protect the perpetrators. They were a subgroup of a major Protestant branch in which they masqueraded; cult-like in all but name. With those differences, the aftershocks were otherwise similar to yours.

Besides the sexual/emotional damage, like you I experienced profound alterations to my views about religion and the like. For several years, I would wince at the utterance of the god word or any of the so-called attributes of religion, e.g. grace, prayer, and especially love. All those holy words were triggers for me which could easily set off intense emotional flashbacks...just one word could do it.

Interestingly, some spark remained within me, hidden I guess; and only now just re-emerging to where I still only slightly understand the destruction while bearing all the scars of their total body/mind/spirit control.

I was damaged to the point of suicide, and while the hurt continues (the body keeps the score, as it were), I've somehow reached a point where I can see, find, and am fascinated by what's called inter-spirituality, a result of years of research set off by my inner core belief that they (the abusers) didn't have a shred of integrity, but borrowed the cloak of religious respectability while carrying on their own games of ruining many who came innocently into their snares. In the meantime, however, my sexual expression was ruined and never fully recovered (actually at that age it had never been allowed to start).

While I currently have invented ways to live out a spiritual existence, a chain of events set off by the original abuses, it doesn't justify any of what happened as some twisted form of 'gift', as some insist on calling my hardships on the road. That sort of attitude feels like a cruel twist in the scar tissue that's never left.

One of the other words they bandied about--forgiveness--I can't ever fathom using with any integrity. There too I've tried learning 'alternatives' to living well beyond the memories, but letting them go in my own way as I can't even abide that forgiveness word.

You're not alone in trying to live with your scars, California Dreaming. The acts you describe are nothing short than total hypocrisy, yet in your innocence it was a clear twist that others can relate to. I wish you well as you seek to find a way through.  :hug:

California Dreaming

Thank you both for opening up to me and for your support!
At 45 I put a loaded and cocked gun to my head but passed out from alcohol intoxication before pulling the trigger. At 47 I finally realized that abuse and love are not the same thing. That was less than 3 years ago, and it was a real breakthrough for me. Because this is only one of many scenes in my abuse history, I compartmentalize it. I have spent quite a bit of my 7 years of therapy working on some of the other scenes.

I did not seek out help after leaving the cult over 20 years ago, and I have not been in touch with anyone with a similar experience. I have chosen a psychospiritual path, which has been consistent for the past 5 years. Consistent in that I combine the two. If I spot any type of fundamentalism, I quickly remove myself from the source.

I definitely do not consider the experience a gift. I can only imagine the effects such an experience would have on a child being abused in this way by both genders. I will not pretend to understand. A natural consequence of my sexual abuse is plenty of issues around sexuality. As I am writing this, I realize that, in part, my inablity to process the experience is the lack of connecting with someone who can understand it. My therapist has a trauma history but not this particular type. Although it falls into the category of sexual abuse, it is a very specific type of sexual abuse. Woodsgnome- were your parents involved? If not, were they aware of what was going on?

woodsgnome

#4
***possible SA trigger...

California Dreaming asked of Woodsgnome: "...were your parents involved? If not, were they aware of what was going on?"

Unfortunately, yes to both parts, although the most direct, and first, sexual abuser was the m, who followed me into the unlocked bathroom door...even as an infant...I have a clear memory of this happening in a crib, so it was there from the start and lasted for 9 years, almost daily--I was frequently constipated as I was scared of bathrooms, especially at home. The first school had as its principal a cousin of hers and I'm not sure and don't care to know the tie-in with regard to the sexual abuse, as he later molested me as well. I have wondered about it, of course, but no longer to choose to go there, albeit those memories, even if the details are a mash of pain and fear, creep back into my thoughts too often.

The f wasn't in these escapades, actually got me out of the school for sessions with a child psych; the school disapproved of anything like psychiatry or therapy that was outside their control, but he did so anyway; these moments were by far the happiest of times, to have met this caring  psychiatrist who was so kind and gentle and positively inspirational. But alas, he declared me to be 'normal' (at least that's what I heard), at which point I was yanked back out--all the parents seemed interested in was that I be normal, mainly for appearances sake I'm sure--pillars of the church and all that malarkey.

The abuse continued, though, just in different contexts--more emotional/psychological abuse by the f and almost complete abandonment by the m, now that she had to be more circumspect about her sadistic play (the last might even be a positive!). It still wore me down more. On the school side it actually resulted in some severe physical assaults just short of the sexual, but almost worse in the sense of inflicting lasting emotional harm.  Some incidents while a teen eventually helped, but they were from my own initiative and a rebellious spirit that somehow survived the earlier onslaughts.

While it's easy and perfectly natural to dwell on the past, something I've taken up is the habit of viewing my life as being a character in 2 different movies. The old one is my personal monster show reliving all the horrors from back then; while the new one projects my current course, improv style rather than scripted. Improv implies an openness to change which I rather fancy instead of being tied to a script. Even if elements of the old show morph into the new, I'm better at recognizing that oh, that's from the earlier flick.

It's a relieving visualization, and helps me nurture the habit of separating the old from the new, when even in horror at what I've just seen replayed (and felt), the old story ends and the screen reverts back to blank space, the lights come back, and I'm free to live in the current time frame.

You indicated your better able to detect spiritual hypocrisy these days. Congratulations  :applause: !



California Dreaming

I consider your experiences to be totally f****d up!!! I can so relate to getting hit from all angles during childhood and adolescence... sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, abandonment. I won't go into all here, but I was abused by both parents, my brother, and of course the cult leader. I was not abused by teachers though. Do you have any siblings? If so, were they abused?

I read your two most recent posts and was reminded of my M telling me that the abuse that I have endured was my fault for two reasons: 1) I did bad things in past lives and paying for them is this life, and 2) I chose my FOO before coming into the world so that I could have the experiences. The last time we spoke was in December of 2012.

I can appreciate your taking "the habit of viewing my life as being a character in 2 different movies." As I have mentioned before, I look at my life as a horror show with different scenes. I am California dreaming both internally and to some extent externally. Internally, I imagine a dry and expansive landscape (not emotionally dry). Externally, I dream of being in nature in California. During my backpacking trip in Big Sur, I said, "This is the first time that I have felt at home on the Earth." That was in 2015. It was shortly after nearly killing myself, so I am not sure if I would feel at home there again. I have evolved quite a bit since then.

woodsgnome

California Dreaming asked Woodsgnome: "Do you have any siblings? If so, were they abused?"

The b and s were both older (10-12 years ahead). The parents themselves were in their mid-40's when I came along. I became the default scapegoat and always sensed I was an unwelcome surprise, and too troubling with smarts, illnesses, and more that rocked their boat.

As far as I can tell, the sibs didn't experience the overt abuse or trauma I did, but then I cut off from anything FOO as soon as I could and just never had much to do with them during or after. What was apparent is they were the wanted golden children, and I recall them nonchalantly calling me 'the weird one' to others as if it was a given I was an outcast. I do recall sensing someone else in the room when the m first molested me, and surmise it might well have been the s.   

So you're right, it was just a mixed-up mess in the FOO...to add to the mystery, there are things I've learned since those days that indi cate I may not have been an offspring of either or both parents anyway. And...other than dealing with the persistent scars between them and the holy people (I call the school people the gawdawfuls), I've just concluded that all of that is in the old movie, bad as it was; but I'm in the new show now.

Something that's readily apparent, though, especially in any social situation where people get talking about family etc., I feel entirely foreign as I didn't share in that sort of existence. I tell myself that's okay and I'm okay too, but can't deny how socially awkward and reclusive I am as a result of the FOO experience. I'm still petrified of people, period. Even around the nicest people, it's as if I know it's a ruse, and the other shoe will soon fall if I'm not careful.   

California Dreaming

I too was the family scapegoat!

I have concluded that my M hated me. It took me a long time and a great deal of inner work to reach the conclusion. She really hated my F and projected it onto me. She couldn't control him, so she controlled me through physical, emotional, and psychological abuse.

Also, at 42 I realized that I was my brother's first "girlfriend." He told me that our cousin hooked him by telling him that he was going to teach him how to be with girls. My B never gave me more info. than that, but that is how I surmised that I was his first girlfriend. Once he started liking girls he "dumped" me.

About the time that he dumped me, my F started dating my girlfriend at the time. She was 12 and he was 32. She lived across the street and would come over to spend time with me. That was the veil at least. She actually would come over and be with my F in my presence. It's a long story...they ended up marrying when she became an adult. My adolescent years were overshadowed by their affair.

My M and B would gang up on me often. Definitely not a welcoming environment. I have spent almost my entire life feeling like an outsider looking into the glass house where everyone was living a normal life. Here, I don't feel so much like an outsider.

I like the term gawdawfuls. Hits the nail on the head.

I hear you on the family conversations. Family to me means ABUSE. I'm like, what is this family thing that you speak of?

My official diagnosis is complex PTSD secondary to repeated relationship trauma. I believe that we share this in common. Not just one person but another and another and another... At this point on my journey, I am limiting my relationships to my son, daughter, and therapist. Each time I venture out from these three, BOOM, retraumatization.

I am quite suspicious of others motives. We can so easily detect other people's BS. In the past, I would override danger signals if I thought that I might receive love. I finally quit doing that. I have done so many crazy and dangerous things to try and get love!

I learned that waiting for the other shoe to drop is called trauma fixation. I've been working with this over the last 2 years, and it has gotten somewhat better. I had a psychiatrist tell me in 2011 that if all I have ever known is the other shoe dropping, then it makes sense that is what I would expect.

What do you currently know about who your biological parents actually are?

woodsgnome

#8
California Dreaming asked Woodsgnome: "What do you currently know about who your biological parents actually are?"

Well, the father may have been someone other than the purported one, according  one of the few people who knows a bit of my story.  :Idunno: Don't know other than anything's possible, I suppose, given my ill fit and that I don't even physically resemble any of the FOO. But I've given up trying to figure that part--it's now irrelevant.

The odd part of the different father speculation is he was abusive in many ways but didn't hold a candle to what the m (and the gawdawfuls) did. And when the f found out the m's 9-year run of sexual abuse of me, he stopped it, it appears. But it hurts too much to speculate anymore; all I want to do is nurse the wounds and limit dwelling too much about the what/why's or try and make sense of the senseless.

The cumulative pain has me at the point where all I know is what happened was bad enough and I can choose not to dwell on it (easier said than done). I can't change any of what happened but I can try to shift my priority to whatever I can do now to heal as much as possible.


California Dreaming

Thank you for thoughtfully answering my questions. I hear you on no longer trying to answer the why questions. I now call that existential land. When I look through a zoomed out lens, I eventually get to a place where I simply say, "I don't know."

In my attempt to write a new narrative, I have found that asking what questions has been helpful. They have helped me gain insights that can propel me forward. You may be further along your journey than me.

How long have you actively been engaged in your healing process?

woodsgnome

***possible trigger in 3rd paragraph

California Dreaming asked Woodsgnome: "How long have you actively been engaged in your healing process?"

The honest but glib answer would be all my life, as it's been that long since the initial abuses started happening. The more conscious healing begins at around age 20, but I also don't view healing as necessarily needing a chronological order. It all boils down to now, and while that too can seem glib, carefully considered it's all we can say with any accuracy.

Given that, I was still in my 20's too close to the shock of the physical molestations growing up to get any hold on my thoughts about what took place. Plus at age 22 I was attacked and molested yet again while visiting a back area of a public park. All of this numbed me; actually in the case of the park attack, my numb state may have saved me, as the attacker fled, perhaps fearing he'd killed me (sometimes I wish he had; weird but it would have saved me so much later grieving). It took me hours to move much after that, yet alone regain any semblance of feeling human.

On the emotional/psychological side, I was in college then and began probing the literature (some related to course work, most not) with mixed results, some just informative, all of it on the edge of triggering an ef. As an aside, were I there again I'd also have sought out campus counseling, but was so fearful of all people that couldn't bring myself to that.

One day, another (safer!) life situation resulted in my doing some quick improv acting, which I excelled at and became a creative outlet in which to hide my pain for many years to come. I almost felt cured, but I was only further distracting myself from coming to grips with the life parts that needed the most repair.

Somehow, in all these storms, it was the spiritual abuse that seemed to have had another, hidden component to it, a 'something' I've since decided was the emergence of my Higher Self (Jung and others have pointed to this phenomenon). In practical terms this also meant lots of inquiry into spiritual corners. Starting from the black cloud of my schooling, where I saw the worst of one approach (right-wing quasi-christian), my explorations took me to everything from Zen to Tao, through the various branches of Hinduism, Sufism, New Age pablum, to native American approaches, enneagram, etc; and I'm probably forgetting a few. I never found anything fully satisfying, though; and my search was really still all about escaping the hypocrisy of my early years.

There's another danger in all this spiritual stuff, though--called 'spiritual bypass'. There's a discussion about that on this forum, but basically it amounts to using spirituality in lieu of tackling the real inner pain that constitutes the core of the problem in most cases.

I'd started considering therapy, but after a couple of short forays also investigated the anti-therapy crowd, and fell in line with their notion that therapy doesn't work that well (sometimes it doesn't!) and I smugly slid back to my own devices. But ran into some big-time ef's at a job in my 40's and headed for a therapist--NOT for therapy, but what's called spiritual direction. I thought it was just a matter of pulling that material together in a cohesive manner and so I headed off to a T who listed spiritual direction as one of her options.

We weren't 5 minutes into the first session when she asked about the sex abuse I'd kind of danced over in my intro materials. I also tried to insinuate that I'd been there, done that, but it was probably obvious it was my point of vulnerability and shame. After a couple more inquiries, she stopped me cold by saying: "you're suffering badly from multiple ptsd" [the c hadn't been added at that point]. That did it--I knew the truth of what she was saying, that all of my work had been wonderful, but also avoidant and trapped in the spiritual bypass phenomenon.

After a lot of careful unpacking, she had to leave for another area. This meant for me lots of ins/outs with various therapists, some of whom I have to say were abysmal. Nonetheless, I kept trying, and couple years back came to be with the T I'm now seeing, and learning more from and exploring more with than the rest of them combined.

I guess that adds up to around 3+ decades of searching at various levels. Or journeying or wandering or...part of me is still roaming around in shock, disbelief, and remorse at how awful that old story really is; and how it affects my current life.

Whew...I hope that can suffice for now. I'm well aware that I've probably overstepped the suggested word boundaries but I'm also hopeless at sound bites (in writing lol; when I was an improv actor it was de rigeur to speak in quick flow but also make sense. But mostly I just want to give adequate answers. 

California Dreaming

I appreciate your "long" reply and sharing your story with me. Your answers help me to feel some sense of connection and less alone.

I can relate to "all my life." Oddly, I was told by a psychiatrist at 42 that I had been severely abused and did not meet with him again until a year later. At that point in my life, I did not know that what I had experienced was abuse, much less severe abuse. Looking back, I believe that I ended up a sex slave in a religious cult because I was searching for something. I just didn't know what I was searching for. Perhaps those were my spiritual bypass days, unconsciously of course.

I actively began to look at my abuse at 43, but it was very slow in the beginning. It was simply too much for me to try and process. Similar to your journey, I have studied depth psychology, Greek mythology, Hinduism, shamanism, Enneagram, and practiced Zen Buddhism. I have been very fortunate to work with the same therapist, a trauma survivor herself, every week for the last 5 and 1/2 years.

Unfortunately, I crossed the threshold into alcoholism in 2011, and it took me 5 years to stay in recovery. I have been in recovery for a little over 2 years now. Thankfully my therapist did not abandon me during my active addiction.

Your experience at 22 helps me to feel further connected with your story, which is an important part of you. We were hit from all angles at home basically from day 1 of life, then severely retraumatized in our twenties. A significant difference is your abuse at a religious school. There is something about being retraumatized as an adult after severe childhood and adolescent abuse.

I certainly have been in so much pain that I wished that I had pulled the trigger in 2015. My suicidal ideation started at 16. It has lessened considerably since I quit drinking.

"Part of me is still roaming around in shock, disbelief, and remorse at how awful that old story really is; and how it affects my current life." Your old story is horrific! I am convinced that it is through relationship that I can heal. My only healing has come from my relationship with my therapist and to some extent my children. A parent-child relationship is so different than a peer relationship. At this point in my journey, one of my primary struggles is encountering others who are safe and can understand me. I would love to replicate my experience with my therapist in the real world. Each time that I have taken a risk, I have been so triggered that I stop the relationship. This occurs with both men and women. It's difficult to articulate my experience at this moment. I will give more thought to what I am trying to say.

In addition to working with your therapist and posting at OOTS, what practices do you use currently? For example, meditation, reading, being in nature, exercising, improv acting...


woodsgnome

#12
California Dreaming wondered, per Woodsgnome: "In addition to working with your therapist and posting at OOTS, what practices do you use currently? For example, meditation, reading, being in nature, exercising, improv acting..."

Thanks, CD. Here's some of what I practice:

Meditation--prefer variety so nothing gets stale or repetitive. This includes written, web or book-sourced, music, and the everyday environment (I live in a remote forested region, home to more eagles, deer, bear, coyotes/wolves and the like than people).

Exercise is difficult due to chronic inflammation/arthritis issues partially resulting from a surgery gone wrong. But a stationary bike helps. The improv acting dwindled a few years ago as I reached the ancient upper 50's and drew back from regular gigs I used to have at schools and 'cultural' venues. Sometimes there's an occasion at a nearby museum/historic park that incorporates my type of role play acting but for lots of reasons have pretty much sniffed that out too; along with a longstanding newspaper column I wrote on their behalf, a humourous/serious mix that was fun to create.

When I can, I drive to a nearby 'sacred grove' featuring a full-size labyrinth set out in a magnificent forest clearing. While I can't walk well anymore, it's an inspiring place, as is a nearby wild and scenic river. Can't drive far due to glaucoma side effects, but occasionally get away for something I feel drawn to.

The last such was a weekend retreat held about 60 miles away (begged a ride to get there and back). With a name like 'healing memories' and limited to 10 participants, it was a no-brainer to sign up for, plus I received a scholarship to cover food/lodging/program. Very impressive so glad I made it there. Otherwise except for treks to grocery (10 miles away) and T's office (25 miles) I'm pretty much confined to hermit mode (yes, i'll readily admit it came about via my need to avoidance of people as much as possible; albeit I'm a sociable hermit to anyone who's run into me).

One activity of last weekend's workshop involved using crayons to draw a spur-of-the-moment 'memory map' which gets discussed, plus a clay sculpture crafted to represent the present/future. Regarding the 'memory map' I've done versions of these over the years. In my case, I burned mine as a way to express my intent to stay focused on what I can do now and going forward. I've varied this 'burning meditation' to include writing people's names and memories and characteristics I'd like to get out of my life's frame of reference; then I burn these slips of paper as well.

Those are just a few things--I used to enjoy splitting wood, for instance--great stress reliever!. My big handicap isn't always the physical maladies mentioned, it's more about my chronic lack lasting motivation. Many days, I just give in and revert to  :zzz: , or try to.

Hope67

Hi California Dreaming & Woodsgnome,

I just wanted to say that I appreciate this thread, and have been reading what you both say in it.  I've just read what you wrote, Woodsgnome, about the things that are helpful to you - Meditation, exercise etc, and it was really helpful to read.

Thank you both for sharing so much of your experiences, and I really feel that I relate to many things you say.

Hope :)

woodsgnome

#14
To Hope, thanks for those words. Sometimes I feel what I write can seem a bit 'out there'; boiled down it's the fear of being misunderstood mixed in with the tendency towards perfectionism; and the feeling that no one would want to read what I have to day about anything, let alone care what I come up with. Logic says that's wrong, but the feelings of low self-worth hang in there.

California Dreaming...So I glanced at the last response and realized I'd left out what I do for the reading part of my 'work'. In one sense my reading addiction is a spillover from my avoidant escape from the religiously drenched abuse times, but reading is so much a part of my being and my recovery walk that it's easy to overlook.

In the past, my tastes were oriented towards psychology and in my search to understand the years of cptsd, but it was also heavy on history regarding themes associated with my acting characters. It reflected my intrigue with 'eastern' philosophy/spirituality, native North American slants on life, and 'alternative' views (but my hypocrisy bs detector has also steered me clear of the far out edges). So much of it was formulated in my quest to undo the errors of the original spiritual abusers who would be scared of anything like what I now read (given their druthers, they'd rather burn books than learn from them).

My current direction in reading escalated when I stumbled on a book by Alain de Botton called 'Religion for Atheists' which decries the urge many feel about rejecting so much beauty if it's the least bit reflective of religion, for one example As he notes, full rejection on that score is another of those throw-the-baby-out-with-the-bathwater examples. He's now hated by lots of atheists for pointing out that huge chunks of art, music and history relate to religion, so why not investigate it. It may be horrific and often misused, but religion is all over the culture for good or ill. Studying aspects of it doesn't imply approval, it's just information that can be useful. Even borrowing observances in a metaphorical sense can play a role in the mosaic.

Before I stretch this into a lengthy essay, I'll end by saying I've come to admire this approach. To that end, I've gravitated towards writers who can get behind the mind-numbing theological redundancies and put some oomph and honesty back in play. To wit, this includes the likes of Alan Watts, Thomas Moore, Rami Shapiro, Mirabai Starr, and Richard Rohr, amongst many others not as well known. Plus people such as Jeff Foster who aren't overtly spiritual at all but touch on the crux of everyday living that is the basis of any 'spiritual' life.

Okay, so those are among the reads I focus on. Based on that, I'd be honoured to be known, borrowing from a book title by Rami Shapiro, as a Holy Rascal. In essence, I look behind the exterior masks of religion to what's really there. Like Mirabai Starr points out, the endpoint of all this results in inter-spirituality, bringing the real strength of the spirituality of the heart that can be found in all cultures if one get behind the curtain and also away from the frowning authorities who hate inquisitive people busting out of the shackles.