At Least I See The Signs

[plantsandworms]

One of the hallmark features of my C-PTSD is that sometimes when I'm triggered or lonely or exhausted I fall into these deep depressive disassociative episodes. The world (and my own identity) will start to feel not real, like a dream or like I'm underwater, and the basic framework and obligations in my life start to feel flimsy and trivial for days or weeks. It makes it really hard to do things like fight for a parking spot downtown for work for example, because it's hard for me to remember why it matters or what I used to care about. It makes it hard to cook good meals for myself, or meet deadlines, or be a good friend, or show up to appointments. This used to happen about once every six months, and I would always be blissfully unaware until my life was in shambles around me. Then I would wrestle with my guilt and my shame until my survival instincts would kick in and I would right the ship that is my life.

Over time, I've tried to learn the signs that I'm about to slide down into the abyss. I know that if I give into wanting to stay home from work one day, it will be even harder to go in the next day. I know that if I don't eat a single home cooked meal in several days my self-esteem and feelings of wellness will plummet. I'm not saying I've figured out how to stop these problems at the source - it's hard to listen to and take good care of myself all the time. But the more I try to pay attention during the rough spots, the less appealing it will be to give in next time (I hope).

Today did not go as I hoped or planned, and I struggle not to feel guilt, shame, worthlessness over the way I wasted this day and let myself down. But at least I'm paying attention to the lesson. It's not all good days, but I'm getting better all the time.