Its been months, and I feel pretty ok. Still...

[basically0kkim]

I had entered this space when I was wracked with symptoms, mental, emotional and physical. There had never been a doubt about my diagnosis of CPTSD and I had acheived through much effort at least some level of comfort. That was before the "crash". Of course, the powers that be still say there is only PTSD, everything else is trigger. Yeah, Right. Anyway, I was doing everything asked of me to find relief, to regain that comfort and then it happened. It being that I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and secondary adrenal insufficiency and treatment of those began. Suddenly, the jagged edge of my CPTSD symptoms was softened, I was still having some panic attacks and some dissociation but not nearly as often or as severely as that period between crash and treatment for the physical disorders. So now...I feel like I'm in limbo. While the previous comfort has still not returned, I don't want to appear ungrateful for the abatement of my worst symptoms. If only I could stop questioning where I'm at. Thats why I'm back, seeking reassurance, support, and perhap a return of acceptance. Thats it. Thanks for being here.

[woodsgnome]

basically0kkim: "If only I could stop questioning where I'm at."

I get frantic at searching for answers too. When I slow down I can begin to realize the wisdom of 'living the questions'. Which is to say, the questions seem to hang around, change shapes, and reappear as if they're built in to the thought process.

There's an assumption that when the questions are all perfectly answered and we feel good, the coast is clear and open. Then somehow another question pops in, then another, followed by even more doubt and wonder if we're doing this right. In living the questions, one's nature will still dictate the presence of questions and the panicky search for answers, but we can learn to tolerate the questions as one of life's natural processes.

We follow all the leads that we can, until we get the idea that maybe, even if we can't find all the answers we want, we've done our best in spite of it all. In that sense, we've lived the questions and not given in to the inner critic's harsh judgements suggesting failure.

We're with you, basically0kkim. You are indeed doing okay. Maybe more than okay. 

[sanmagic7]

you're doing fine, kim, and i'm just glad that some of the physical stuff has been relieved and also relieving of some of your other symptoms.

this beast is a roller coaster at best, and all we can do is ride it, hanging on, doing what we can to make it as good a ride as possible for ourselves.  ups and downs are just there.  i've been into all those questions for so long, and finally have run out of energy.  just accepting seems a lot easier.

so  i ride thru the dips and enjoy the heights and get on as best i can, even when i'm blindsided.  you're not alone with this.  thanks for sharing.   

[basically0kkim]

Thanks for the support. I did find out today that my SSDI case is finally assigned to a decision writer. The hearing was in Sept., the ALJ made her decision on 11/5/2017 and I know I've put a huge amount of energy into being "patient". Tomorrow I see my latest therapist for our 5th visit. I may just start believing that she's not going anywhere and that I can begin to open up to her. Thanks again woodsgnome and sanmagic7.