Back to front feelings?

[sigiriuk]

Dear All
When I am furious, I feel safe, it feels familiar.
When I am tense, and my mind is fighting inside, I feel comfortable.
When I am in pain, my mind says 'business as usual'.

Conflict keeps my internal system in a state of balance.....

Why?

Slim

[woodsgnome]

I can relate to these paradoxes--especially for the tense and painful behaviours, but not for the furious and conflict reactions. The latter two can be more along the lines of simply debilitating (there but too fearful to act out), so I'm careful not to lose control and feel worse.

But for the tenseness/pain parts--it seems like I carry them as standard equipment, so to speak. It's rare not to have them, it's like they're ingrained or absorbed into my being, almost like they're grafted into me, and removing them would be like trying too early to peel a scab from a wound and so it's more comfortable to leave them in place. But things can still spiral and in comes the self-hate component.

Why? I think this may be one of those times when it's best to live the questions, not ruminate on them too much. I've been apt to overthink, and only driven myself batty trying to make sense of what has no sensible, certain answer. Desperately searching for the perfect answer comes from fear that anything less-than-perfect won't work. Then it's easy to feel failure, yet another dangerous (although natural) symptom.

I might still wonder about the why, but leave it at that. I'm already depressed enough. But changing a behaviour/reaction can be exhausting. The only solution I know of is to acknowledge the habitual responses, but not regard them as  permanent and definitely not as mistakes. Then, keep on learning while accepting the fact one can change. Not by leaps and bounds, but by taking each step out of the pit with a sense of patience and definitely lessening the tendency to self-blame.

It's an imprecise challenge, and I often miss and revert to old ways. But the new direction is still there when I open my eyes again. I hope you can find some peace with yourself about this common problem--habitual self-destructive patterns.
Here's to your journey...

[Kizzie]

I'm glad you brought this up Slim because I've also noticed it feels oddly comfortable when I am angry, irritable and upset.  That had subsided as I recovered, but it came back when Trump got into power (I grew up with NPD family), and there were a lot of other stresses in my life.  I think of it as old school protective behaviour because I am feeling more threatened lately than I had been.  Underneath the anger I suspect there is a lot of pain and vulnerability that has been pushing to the surface because of this stress.  Being angry, tense, upset fees familiar and I do not feel as vulnerable.

I've had dreams where I have been rejected and could feel/hear myself saying "Right, I knew people were this way all along, so I'm going to have to carry on on my own like I have always done".  Now I know on some level that is not right, that there are healthy people as well as abusive people, but I am afraid of being trapped and hurt by what feels like too many abusive people like I was when I was a kid and had no power.  Anger does give me more of a feeling of power, but I recognize it holds me in a place I no longer want to be so I am trying to acknowledge the feelings/memories the stress has brought up, challenging my old school ways when I can, and actively trying to reduce stress where I can.   Just doing what I can and hoping it will help   

[andreeya]

Wow Slim!

    I was just thinking about something very similar to that.  I was thinking: I feel safe when I dont feel safe.  Now where is the logic in that? Ive noticed a habit that my brain does.  Once I go through a stressful situation, which I just did.  My truck's water pump broke and i had to take in for repair and stressed like crasy over the cost and shock of the situation.   Now that this is over I allow myself time to come down and relax but not all ways for long.  Its like my brain is looking for something to fret over all the time.   Actually looking for something to be afraid of. why?   Thats why today I questioned myself , can I not be safe unless I find something to worry about all the time?    Is it just a mental habit?   

                    When I get an anxiety attack I usually feel like they are going to last for ever.  Its like my brain feels like something is wrong because nothing is wrong.  Oh brother.  any advise on this?     

[Rainagain]

I have this too, the more dangerous my situation the more comfortable I felt. Similarly, the more triggered I became the less 'confused' I felt about how to respond.

I think its because in traumatic situations the amygdala is getting what it needs, no need to scan for threat constantly when it is right in front of you.

BUT, feeding the amygdala is the opposite of recovery.

Its a beast that needs to stay asleep, while it sleeps it doesn't feed, it gets weaker, smaller, less able to take control. But it sleeps very lightly and is wanting to wake up if it can manufacture a reason to wake.

Just my view of how my brain seems to work, might make sense, might be rubbish.

[Kizzie]

Well said Rainagain, I think you've hit the nail on the head.      

I just realized too as I was rereading this thread Slim that this has been a kind of a guilty little secret I've kept and I'm so glad it's out in the open because really there's nothing to feel guilty about.  We've just become used to the feelings, and in that way they are comfortable and familiar.