Making a career/life change

[James]

I'm thinking of making a really huge life change...

Basically for the last 8-10 years I've been pursuing and working in a field that I was convinced is what I wanted in my life. I have CPTSD issues from childhood but I believed I was capable of doing this work. But in this career I have to work very closely with other people which has caused a lot of anxiety because of occasionally having to deal with angry and irrational people. I also have to get up and speak in front of crowds of people quite regularly. While I was always extremely confident in front of crowds before, shortly after starting this career I starting having huge difficulties being in front of people... from nervousness to full-on panic attacks. This has made the last several years hellish for me because I never know when the panic will return, whether I'll be able to get through the next presentation, etc. I've been working under the assumption that the anxiety will get better and will work itself out as I continue, so I've been soldiering on hoping improvement will come... but this hasn't happened. In many ways its gotten worse. I'm very good at what I do and so many people look to me as an example in this field but they have no idea what I'm going through inside. I honestly think that this is what I want to do in my life... so its extremely difficult to think of just walking away from it all and starting a totally new path in life. But at this point I don't see any other way... the anxiety isn't getting better and life is becoming miserable.

I dream of starting a life where I can have some safe people to share with and where I can work on recovery issues without being perpetually re-triggered by difficult people and public-speaking anxiety. Still I'm terrified to make that step because I have no idea what I would do with my life and I have fears of ending up broke and alone with no where to turn.
Anyway, no specific questions for people, just if you'd like to chime in with advice I'd love to hear it. Thanks.

[sigiriuk]

Not an easy choice, James.

My job brings me into contact with people with similar histories to myself. It is counterproductive on the one hand, but on the other hand, I still get a salary.

I was advised to stop going to AA, because the rooms smell of trauma, and it caused triggers.

There is only so many changes one can make to one's life, before it becomes impractical, but sometimes small changes, like 10 minute meditation breaks, a walk at lunchtime, sit in a church/temple/mosque for 10 minutes at lunch can help. I find that actively reflecting on what I see and do for 5 minutes after the activity really helps to keep me settled.

[Kizzie]

Hi James - I had two careers which I enjoyed and was good at (military and education), but was in close contact with people all the time.  Basically I just soldiered through the anxiety when I was younger, before I knew I had CPTSD, but as I got older and had more responsibilities and stress (career, family, mortgage, etc), my anxiety got to be too much.  I just couldn't contain it any more and then when I learned I have CPTSD I realized why.  So many of my resources were being taken up trying to stuff down the trauma and hold it at bay that as other demands increased I just didn't have enough to deal with everything coming my way.

I was lucky in that I was able to find a position teaching online which helped a lot, although I must admit it didn't entirely do away with my anxiety.  I retired in Jan of this year and truth be told it has been a huge relief.  Although I enjoyed it and had nothing but great feedback from my students and colleagues, I always felt so vulnerable, like that one angry person who would out/destroy me  was right around the corner waiting to pounce. 

I haven't entirely learned how to be comfortable around people yet, but that's not to say it can't be done. It's just that I've come to believe I don't need to soldier on any more, that I can simply be where I'm at.

[sanmagic7]

making life decisions is tough during the best of times.  later in life, it just becomes more and more difficult.

i, also, had 2 major careers, hairstyling and therapist, both of which i loved but was forced out of because of physical issues.  to become a therapist, i had to go back to college in my 40's, get both a bachelor's and master's degree while dealing with the madness that was my family. 

all i'm saying is that with a little luck and a lot of determination, i think it's do-able.  maybe not easy, maybe it'll take more time, but i think, in the end, it's up to you.  figuring out what you'd rather do can be challenging.  my best to you with this, james.  love and hugs.