Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

Dear Deep Blue,
Has your T ever helped you work through your feelings of shame, in that moment there and then when you're feeling ashamed? Has your T taught you how to fight shame by acting oposite? If not, it might be an idea to ask him or her to help you with that so that you can get a safer relationship with your T, and so that your T can help you move further. Shame-work is hard, it really is. And have you heard of Brene Brown? She's a researcher on Shame, she has some videos on Ted talk, and also her own webpage and a couple of books on the subject of shame. I highly recommend it. The mixture of these things helps me during therapy sessions to push through the shame enough to get something out of it.  Shame can be so destructive. So very destructive. 

And if you're alone balancing on one foot while counting backwards in increments of 3 also helps you bring back to the present. It's silly, but it somehow turns the brain back on. 

[Sceal]

I'm spamming my own journal today. I just thought it might be better this way, than another looong post.

I haven't been doing so bad as I thought I might this week. I'm fairly okay, actually. Might be because I'm avoiding to think about therapy and the conversation with my SA-support lady. I should probably think some on it. Some more. get it under my skin.

But yesterday I went on a hike with my dad and my sister. It's a fairly long hike. The hike book suggested 4-5 hours. I think we spent 5-6? I'm not in shape so I was slowing us down. It's a hike from one mountaintop across several others and unto the last one. It's not as much up and down as it sounds like, it's mainly plateoued, with some hills here and there. I've never walked it before, despite it being so insanely accessible and incredible popular. I could tell why. It was amazing, the little bits I could stop up and look at. My gaze was mostly at the ground to avoid tripping and falling and twisting my ankles. About halfway my legs started to not work. And I became even slower. It was frustrating, while my sister was dancing back and forth. She was so happy and enthusiastic, it was great to watch.

I had been nervous about this hike. I knew it was potentially too hard for me. It was hard, but as it turned out not overly too hard. Just hard +. I did it, and I would like to do it again. It was out of my comfort zone to do this hike with my family, i felt I was dissapointment to them, slowing them down. It sucked, but they didn't complain, and I cross the finish line.  And it's a good step forward in my hiking goal. 

Today however I am craving carbs, carbs, carbs! It doesn't help I got my period on top of the mountains  So today is resting day.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
Those are all excellent suggestions.  Shame is something I really struggle with.  When I'm talking with my T she usually asks me to name things in the room when she sees me depersonalizing.  She has be breathe and then asks me to name 3 things in the room that are made of wood, or name some things that are the color black etc. 

Much love to you Sceal.   

[Sceal]

You're welcome, Deep Blue!
I hope it helps!  I'm glad she's helping you with naming things, that's also good thing. There's an app called 'What's up?' that could help you when you're not with your T.

[Deep Blue]

You are so sweet Sceal.  You are so selfless and keep thinking of me in your journal    I will look up that app right away.

[Sceal]

If I know of something that might be helpful for someone else, I of course will share the knowledge! Hope is vital, I know how hard it is without it.

I got a phonecall from my mum today. My uncle commited suicide yesterday. I didn't quite know what to say. He wasnt my uncle by blood, neither did he marry my aunt. But he was an uncle never the less. I didn't really know him either. Much like I don't really know anyone in my family. We have never talked about things that are difficult. Never talked about mental health, despite the fact I'm not the only one who has struggled. It makes me frustrated I guess, this lack of communication. This fear that hangs over everyone.
Yet, it's what I've been taught, and I find it hard to break the cycle. Although I try.

I don't quite know what to say to my aunt and cousin. I've reached out and said I'm sorry and asked if there is something I can do. And a part of me hopes they won't need me to do anything, because I hope they have others they are close to.

[Sceal]

I'm in this strange place right now. I'm scared to say it, but despite last weeks painful conversation with both my T and my SA-support Lady (I'm going to call her Lady L from now on I think) I feel okay. I am able to be alot more present, and feel the frustration of boredom.

Lady L gave me homework, and I'm sorry to say that I haven't found any answers to her quest tasks:
- Try to figure out what I find is funny
- When I'm chuckling - what's stopping me from laughing propperly?  Which thoughts and emotions do I get then?
- When I'm chuckling or experience something I find funny, should I wish I could burst out laughing?

She thinks laughter is an important part of life, and loves to make people laugh. I agree, it is important - and I wish I could laugh properly. Laugh from my belly, laugh without shame. Laugh without forcing it. I have two more weeks until I see her again - so I got some time still to figure this out. Or to start figuring it out. It still makes me feel like I'm broken. I wonder if it's because I'm so rarely in-tune with my emotions and that I perhaps think too much on things? So I deconstruct the funny part before I have a chance to react to it.  Just a thought.  I hope I will come to the place where I can laugh for real regularily.

My session with Lady T last week left me raw and skinless as I expected, but I also wonder if the session made me feel less judged by her - that sounds wrong. I don't usually feel judged by her, but I am constantly afraid she will judge me in an unfavourable light. Why this matters to me, I'm not quite sure of. I need to be able to handle that people dislikes part of who I am. I don't need everybody to like me, it may be uncomfortable to be disliked but as long as I have someone I'm certain that likes me I'm okay. And I am certain of that. I've never been able to deal with a fight with a friend, the only ones I've ever been able to handle having a fight with is my younger sister and my (good) ex (now roomie). And I think it's because with my sister I knew she could never leave me - she would always be my sister no matter what. And with my ex? I think somewhere deep inside I knew he wouldn't leave either. Anyway, with Lady T I'm still scared she'll think less of me. And I've dared to voice this to her, so she knows. I've been uncommonly frank with my fears in regards to her. I've told her when the thought of showing up to the next appointment is too frightening - because of her. I've told her when I've called her to ask for help that I'm so full of shame because I'm scared of what she'll think. And I wrote last week that I'm scared, again, of how she'll regard me. She doesn't always console me, which I think is the right way of her to deal with me in this matter - mainly because if she started going "I don't judge you." I wouldn't believe her. And I think she realizes that it's just as important for me and her that I am able to tell her when I am scared of her thoughts and judgement as it is for her to tell me she doesn't think I'm a weak human being.
There's some layers to this, I just realized, that I hadn't considered before.
- Does she think I'm testing her?
- Am I asking for reassurance?
For me in that moment I'm terrified of what she'll say next, my emotions are real. But perhaps they don't belong in that setting, perhaps I should attempt to stop being so worried at what she'll think of me? She has proven herself to be trustworthy on several occations. So where does this come from?

This journal entry went a completely different way than I thought it was going to go when I sat down to write.

[Blueberry]

Going back a few posts, I just want to say I'm so impressed about all the hiking you do!  Even when it's difficult. 

[Sceal]

Thank you Blueberry. I grew up in and around nature, and by hiking in the past it has really helped me manage my stress levels. So it's always been a big part for me. I even ice-skated to school in primary school during winter time because that was shorter and faster than walking around the lake or waiting for the bus or taxi. Eventhough it was scary being all alone in the darkness on a creaking ice - it was also freedom for me. I've always loved trees and forests, and I would cry bitter tears when my parents had to cut down trees in and around our garden.

For some time now, hiking became difficult for me to do. Due to weight, due to allergies but most of all mainly because of performance anxiety. Suddenly it became important to post pictures from hikes - preferably mountain hikes. About how far, and how high, and how often and how short time did I use? And the evil of comparing myself to others took over the control. I am trying to re-learn to myself the beauty of a hike for the sake of nature and exploring. Leaving all the other stuff behind. Weightloss, people and stress. It's hard still, but I'm working on it.

[Sceal]

I got no internet at home, and my landlord is not home. I hope I don't have to wait an unknown long time til we are back up and running again.

Appointment with Lady T today was both unexpected and also not surprising. We continued off from where we stopped last week, but this time I fell away really fast. Not directly into the flashbacks, but in a dissociative state. I was fighting to come back to me, but it was hard. It was like my body first got numb then didn't exist and simultaneously 2/3 of my brain became drugged down. Wrapped in a heavy fog it couldn't find its way out. While the 1/3 part of me that was somewhat present had a hard time thinking because everything was so incredibly slow and also got confusing about what I saw - which part was reality and which part belonged in the past.
I managed to tell Lady T before I disconnected completly so she helped me try to connect again.
While I started to disconnect she asked me if the ones inside of me were scared.  I made a note of the fact she referred to me as plural a few times, that there are more of me. Younger, smaller me's? We have never talked about me being split into different people/identities/ages before - and it makes me wonder - am I split? Without really knowing it? Has she seen something I am not aware of? I didn't ask her about it, I don't think I reacted much to her asking about the others inside me.
And sitting here, I am asking myself - Does it bother me? the answer is no, it doesn't bother me. And then I wonder but shouldn't it? and for that I have no answer.

We use the model of Window of Tolerance quite  a bit, and I have observed that I believe there are various stages for me below the Window before I fall deeply into dissociation. There is the numbing, there is the inability to do anything, and of course a mix of them and a mix of me being present.
It both helps and not to be aware of what is happening - and the fact I have no power over it when Amygdala decides it's time to protect me big time. I can't override it. No one can. Amygdala has too much power, but I can re-learn it what is considered a threat and what isn't. It just takes alot of hard work, and time.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal, Just popped by to say 'hello' and to give you a friendly hug, if that's ok. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

  right back to you, Hope!

[Sceal]

Still no internet. Landlord is just as frustrated as I am.

I feel...empty again. Like nothing really matters. I don't want to do anything, I can't really mobilize my body to do much, I don't think anything matters.

I strongly suspect this is the aftermath of alot of heavy therapy work lately. My mind is going into self-protection mode - and it affects every part of my life. Shut down mode.

Funeral is in two days. I think about it, but again I feel nothing. I think this too is self-protection mode. From emotions, from thoughts, from ideation, from my Ms judgement and comments. I wish she'd just shut up.

[Sceal]

Still no emotions. But I'm exhausted. I can't seem to wake up.
My body is impossible to stir, and all I want to do is sleep.
I don't really know if this is me being underactive or if it's something else. I have been taking it easy - but I don't feel so good. Physically I mean.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sceal
Sorry I've been away lately.  I think you hit the nail right on the head that it's probably the hard work you are doing in therapy that is causing you to feel this way.  I'm so impressed with your hard work and self analysis.  You are such a fighter honey and I have faith in you.    to you