Sceal's new journal

[Deep Blue]

We all need to whine a little Sceal,
It's cathartic to get that junk out of you and not carry it around with you. 

just sending you support and love

[Sceal]

  Thank you Deep Blue

[Sceal]

Trigger warning: The subject of SA, R* and bullying is mentioned

I thought about continuing the thread I made for Radical Acceptance, and it might get more viewers if I do - but that's not really my incentive. Also reading through the previous posts made me more emotional and not in a good way.

My Lady T has asked me to research Radical Acceptance while she's away on vacation - incase I come across something online that helps it explain it to me in a way that makes me understand it in a way she was unable to do.

I've understood that radical acceptance is a tool that is to take away the suffering, not the pain. So in a way to lessen the chance of becoming/being destroyed by suffering. And then further opens up the door so that one can work through the problem, or live a better life with oneself and ones past. It sounds very nice. But I still struggle with it.

Marsha Linehan says: So what's Radical Acceptance?  What do I mean by the word 'radical'?  Radical means complete and total.  It's when you accept something from the depths of your soul. When you accept it in your mind, in your heart, and even with your body.  It's total and complete. 

When you've radically accepted something, you're not fighting it. It's when you stop fighting reality.  That's what radical acceptance is

I find that I can accept things in my mind. I can accept that I was in a sexually and manipulative abusive relationship when I was young. I can accept I've been r* multiple times, by different men. I can accept that I was excluded and bullied for a decade. Because it happened. I can accept it happened, but only in my mind. Not with my body or with my heart. They keep fighting. Because I fear that by accepting it with my heart and body, then I in a way approved of it. And then they won. Then they destroyed my chances of having the life I dreamt about, the life I tried building.  But perhaps if I do accept it, it'll be easier to work through the pain - to heal, to move on? And yet, I am terrified that I then say it was okay. I think also, somewhere deep dark within me, I am scared of healing - because that is a life I don't know what looks like. I don't know what to do with that. What is known is safe, after all, even if it hurts. But then, that definitively means they won - and that's not okay at all. They are NOT going to win.

The second part of starting to accept is to look at the events and analyze it, see if there is a cause to it. I think cause is a terrible choice of word, I'd much rather go with circumstances. Marsha Linehan uses an example of a child biking in the street in full speed and then get hit by a truck and dies. It's a terrible accident, but since the child was biking in the road, and there was no stop signs or anything warning the truck driver - there is a cause for it. It should have happened, and it did. The way she explains this example is straightforward to me. I understand why I ended up in the abusive relationship I did. But my life started before there, the causes for me ending up in that relationship started many-many years before. Namely the bullying. And I can see no cause for that to have happened. It was at school, there were plenty of teachers and adults around. My parents could have digged and asked and noticed when I changed. I was the only child in my class that didn't know anyone, that came from a street where no other kids my age lived. There were plenty of warning signs. They had every option to stop it, or to notice it. To notice me and talk to me as a child.
Now, I'm not angry at them. Not really, I truly believed back then and now, that I truly did deserve the bullying. I didn't belong, and they made dam** sure I knew. But there were stop signs. It could have been prevented. So, how do I accept that with my whole body, mind and heart then?
She also says that sometimes we wont know the cause. But we still have to accept it. Perhaps it is possible to accept it without knowing the cause, i mean we accept it when we get pnemonia despite not actually being able to see the bugs ourselves. We accept that gravity exists, despite not knowing what's actually causing it.  But it'll need alot of work.

She says that it needs to be practiced, that it's part of letting go. Letting go of tension within us. And saying yes to reality.:
You know acceptance, it's all about the word 'yes'.  It's yes to reality; it's yes to the moment; it's yes to just what is. 

So another way to practice it is you could just walk outside, maybe late a night, look up at the stars and you could just say the word 'yes'. It's yes to the universe.  You could go out and practice every night.

I like the thoughts of this. Perhaps I'll try that, eventhough I cannot see the stars at night these days... As there is no night.



I will continue to write one more post about this later on, but now my laundry is done and I need lunch.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, as i was reading about all the things involved with radical acceptance, your perspective on it, all the layers and parts, the thought occurred to me that maybe thinking about all of it at once might be overwhelming.  you then listed what you are able to accept, and where - in your mind - and you're comfortable with that, but that you might be stuck there because of future misgivings.

may i suggest that you break this down in order to have smaller pieces to accept?  i don't believe we have to take a concept and swallow it whole, so to speak.  we'd choke on it, just like on anything too big for us.  so, you have some pieces you've accepted at one level.  ok, that's a good foundation.

then, to move ahead, there may be several ways to go.  you might take one of those pieces (like one r*) and see if you can accept it into your body or your heart, see what that feels like, and just be with it for a bit.  that way you can determine a comfort level and how long you need to become comfy with it.  when you're ready, you could try it with another piece, or accept the first piece into the third place, and see how that feels.

it's small steps again, an easier way, to my mind, to effect change.  kind of like easing yourself into a hot tub a little bit at a time, allowing body parts to get used to the temp. of the water before lowering yourself in further. 

just a thought.  it's a huge concept to wrap one's head around.  take your time.  i don't think there's a deadline for these kind of things.  wishing you the best with it.  sending lots of love and hugs, sweetie.

[Sceal]

This is me trying to break it down, San.  First get an overview and an understanding, then slowly bit by bit figuring out which part I can take on at once.
And I think it's the r* and the SA that I am unable to really radically accept. I think it's too big for me at the moment. I think I need to start with something way simpler and smaller and further away from me.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday, one I met in DBT (although we're not supposed to socialize outside, but whatevs. We're both done), and I asked her for her perspective and it made me realize that it might just be a bit too early for me in the process of working through my traumas for doing radically accepting on these topics. That I'm simply not there yet. I will try to limit the thought-patterns of "If only that hadn't happened, then maybe my future/present would have been better, and I would have accomplished my dreams" and try and catch myself when I get them and try to say them differently.  My friend also said that it's not accepting what happened but that it did happen. And that grammatical difference there is huge. And for me, it helped. I'm going to continue doing the last bit of the research on the topic, and write the end of it.

But for now, I think my conclusion is that it's not such a terrible, awful thing. But I'm not yet ready for it.

Thank you San-darling, for giving me your thoughts and support.

[Sceal]

Today is a good day.

I went to bed reading that brain-book, being frustrated that it wasn't getting dark enough for me to sleep. I had some stressful dreams, that I kept waking up from and falling right back into. Stressful, but not scary or anxiously.
I woke up around 4, sat and looked out the window at the sunrise, well... not really the sunrise, because it was already up - but more the pastel colours of the sky, before I lay back down again for another 3 hours of slumber.

Once I got up I did my usual reading the news, reading this web-page, checking social media and I found a call out to artists all over to join in for an art exhibition. It's probably out of my league, but I'll see what I can come up with and send it two pictures for judgement and hopefully they'll like it. If not, it's a practice in art and practice in art-rejection.  I'm somewhat, strangely so, optimistic about this.

Then I put on a sundress I've had for god knows how long. It's a little short and I've never worn it without tights. But it's over 30degrees C here today, and barely any wind. I needed to dress for the weather. But this dress is short in the sense it's above my knees, and thus showing the backside of my knees - which I'm super concious about. They are ugly and disgusting and show quite clearly my obesity.  So I packed my bag for town, my sketchbook and a change of clothes. Incase I was pushing my comfort level too much.

I went to the SA support senter and waited for my Lady L. We had a nice conversation, although I was very emotionally disconnected. I felt fine. Or rather, I didn't feel much at all. We talked about my relationship with my family and I said it's gotten better. I have less tension around them now than I've had before. It's probably a mix of various things, such as me being more curious about my mother. Her experiences and what she thinks on certain topics, and also I think I'm being better at not letting the emotions get the upper hand of me around certain topics. Even if they involve me, I'm curious about how the experience was from HER perspective, so I make less assumptions. It also helps that she's generally in a much better mood. I feel somewhat closer with my father too now, it's easier to talk to him. Not about heavy stuff, never that. But the small talk is easier, and I'm move involved in his projects and I think he likes that. So the connection is better - and it makes me better. Much like I don't want to say I have a favourite, same as parents wont say they have a favourite. I've always looked more up to my dad than my mom. Not because mom is less, but - actually I don't know why. I'll have to give a think about that.
Lady L said it was wonderful, and she's happy for me. And then we changed topic. I said I don't feel like I'm done talking and exploring the subject of worth and value, and that I would like to focus on that at some point, but not right now. So we continued where we left off with me talking about what happened in and around that cultish-like group and J and his wife's seperate abuse of me. It was hard, I don't talk about this really. Because I don't know how, and more often than not my tongue becomes like lead. I still talk only generally - enough that she knows what I mean. Like I always use the word "assault" rather than "R*", because I can't say it out loud. But I talked more about it this time than ever before. and I admitted things I didn't intend for her to know, it came out and I regretted it. But interesstingly enough: Extremely little shame. Usually the feeling of shame has the power to knock through the filter of emotional disconnection. But it didn't today.
And that is interessting because I think either :
A) My emotional disconnection was stronger than it has ever been before
B) My shame is starting to slowly ease down a little.
C) It was just  a "freak accident" of the day.

That doesn't mean I didn't have reactions though. Because my body did react. I suddenly became very nauseous and my muscles tensed up. So I told her that, rather than pushing forward what I'd normally do. My body told me to stop, it was too much and I actually listened without getting overwhelmed and dissociated.
How wonderful isn't that?!

I rushed from Lady L to a lunch with my mother. In town. This, in and of it's own is a miracle. My mom strongly dislikes going to town (she wouldn't have if it wasn't for the fact she had an appointment in town). But she had invited me for lunch. In town. At a restaurant. That too in and of it's own is a miracle. For years and years and years now all we've ever heard is her sighing and groaning and muttering and loudly exclaiming that the food in town sucks and she can't eat any of it because her stomach flares up. And she's been completely impossible to go out for a nice dinner. Even when we've tried finding a place where the food is agreeable with her. So how on earth could I refuse?! We sat downtown, outside in the shade and enjoyed a meal that wasn't amazing, but the beer was nice and the day was nice - and the conversation was nice.

And now I'm home, and I feel good.  I've made a mess of the appartment (again). and that bothers me a little. But I'm going to try and move two pieces of heavy furniture. And in order to do that I needed to clear away stuff to make it lighter. Hah. "Lighter". I'll need my roomie to help me out actually lifting it over the door threshold. But I can do the rest on my own.
I don't like clutter. I really don't. It distracts me, and keeps me unfocused. But, somehow I have the inability to tidy up after myself once I've started a project.  Resulting in me constantly cleaning and tidying BIG parts, and it is never tidied up.

Later I'm going to go out and take photos of people and of the city together with a friend. And I'm also hoping to get a glimpse of the lunar eclipse. It might be too bright light for us to see it properly, but the next time it's going to happen in the same manner will be in December in 11 years or so. And December in my city = Clouds. Clouds, clouds, clouds. So... Best chance is now.

[Deep Blue]

So strange that I was up in the middle of the night last night too.  You have an incredible ability to keep on keeping on.  So much love to you
Deep Blue

[Sceal]

Dearest Deep Blue,
I am terrible at giving up. I might take rests, long rests. And I might have to change my point of view or tactic and adapt.. But I am very good at not giving up. Even when I've lost all hope, and I've pushed away all emotions and nothing has any meaning. I keep doing things people tell me helps, and sometimes excruciatingly sowly it turns things around.  It's a circle I'm stuck in. But still, I will pat my shoulder and thank myself for the ability to never give up.

I'm trying a new tactic - where I'm complimenting me. It's strange. We'll see where this is going!

---
It's been a very warm and sunny summer! Very! I live in a place where this is quite unusual.  I feel like I'm drying up. But I've been on enough vacations with the experience of heat strokes, that I know how take care of avoiding that. Plenty of water, salt and a little sugar. Stay in the shade, no excersise, remember to eat, and just breathe. But today I've had to clean the appartment. It's been a crazy-crazy messy and dirty. We re-arranged some furniture, and that always creates a mess. I've been sorting, throwing and finding new smart sollutions all day. I feel like I've sweated an ocean!
I also went out to get a few flowers for the bedroom. I got Lavender, Aloe Vera and Snake plant. Hopefully the Aloe Vera and Snake plant will oxygenate the air at night, and the lavender will have a nice scent and reduce anxiety.  Also - I hope they survive. I'm terrible with plants, I neglect them.

And then I got a surprise package in the mail. From Poland, and I got super confused, I don't know anyone from Poland. It turned out to be a friend of mine who had purchased two expensive books for me through a polish site. My jaw dropped to the floor. I am so incredible fortunate to have him in my life. He rocks! And I told him as much.

I still am going strong otherwise. But there's a nagging feeling at the back of my mind. something Lady L said yesterday, but I don't want to deal with it, so I've put it to the back of my mind. For now. I have things I need to do first. Like cleaning and reading. And rest.

[sanmagic7]

sweet sceal, how wonderful to read all this.  i just love you!  your determination and insistence on continuing to move is both hopeful and inspiring to me.  way to go!

i agree that a change in words can make all the difference, and i'm so glad you found that, and that it helped you.  it sounds like you've also wrapped your head around exactly what you might and might not be ready for tackling yet (in your radical acceptance domain).  to my mind, that's part of breaking things down into pieces we can deal with. 

very glad your get-together in town with your mother went well, too.  and that you're connecting more easily with your dad.  i favored my dad,  altho i loved them both.  there was something about his charisma that attracted me, and i always wanted to be like him rather than like my mom.  i pretty much accomplished that in my life and i'm glad as to how i turned out.

keep moving, sweetie.  you're doing such a wonderful job, great work, and it's so good to hear that some of those things you can notice a change in.  love and hugs, you beautiful thing.

[Sceal]

Thank you, darling.
I do feel stronger, I'm not quite sure what the turning point was. And I wish I knew. I really do, every time I get these good cycles I can never figure out what it was I did that turned the cycle. But whatever it was, I hope my subconcious remember once I lose my "high".

Favoured! That was the word that I was looking for. Yes, I favour my dad. My mother has a lot of good qualities, she's creative and she's practical, and she's weird. And I enjoy those sides of her. My father, I don't know. I guess he took me on to hikes and drove me around when I wanted to go for a drive in the dark. And he taught me to count in a different language. He keeps teaching me things (as long as it's not math or driving , we're good. haha!)

I'm going back to the cabin today with my mother and my sister. Just the three ladies. The warm, sunny, weather is over. Now it's humid, humid, humid and rain. Thunder and lightening are expected. But it'll be fine.

I started focusing on losing weight again a few days ago, and so far it's going well. I'm hungry all the time, but I'll get used to it. The important part is to stay away from temptations. This will probably only work until I'm back in therapy - because then those matters will be in my forefront again. But until then - I hope I have gotten into some sort of rythm that will help me.

Oh dear, I'm late. Got to run.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I hope you have a nice time in the cabin, and I'm just popping by to thank you for the lovely Hot Chocolate you gave me the other day, and how much I appreciated it.  Hope you enjoy today and I am glad you're feeling stronger.  That's so great!

to you, Sceal.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope, Thank you for popping by too. 

---

My stronger-self had a bit of a setback yesterday - which I am still working on.
The day started with me having lost more weight, and I was incredible happy for that. We went to the cabin, and when my mother and my sister fell asleep on the sofa in the early afternoon I decided to go for a short walk with the dogs. At that point there was no rain, but less than halfway through our walk it started pouring down. And when I mean pour, I mean to such a degree I couldn't see the road infront of me. It was intense, but also strangely nice. Wind was heavy, and the rain made puddles inside my goretex shoes. My rain-coat proved to be completely useless.
So when I got back to the cabin I had to hang my clothes to dry and change into my less than flattering PJ's. At the time I felt good about it. Because I went out with the dogs. Because it started pouring down and up, and under regular circumstances would have been down-right awful. And because up til that point I had still avoided temptations.
Fast forward a few hours and we were having a kind of "spa"-hour. Just some face-masks really. It was funny, mainly because mom looked like the hulk. But then my sis took pictures of me too trying to remove my own face-mask. I'm not concerned about the grimacing and the various ugly faces I made. But my head was a tiny, tiny dot on top of a huge mountain of a grey body. It was AWFUL. I tried really, really hard to keep my mood up. To not let them see.
But I feel disgusting. Awful, dreadful, filthy.
I tried really- really hard to talk positive to myself. To remind me of the good things. To remind of my smaller achievements lately. To pay focus onto that. But no, it didn't work.
I tried to distract myself with taking photos outside. But they too sucked.
And today, I simply was not strong enough to resist temptations. It wasn't much, but it was there. I couldn't resist.
I felt awful on the inside, and no way of changing it other than stuffing things inside in hope to dampen it. But it just really made it worse.
It's alot of self-pity, I know. It's whining. I know.
My body IS amazing, for all that it's been through, and for the weight that it's carrying and still it's able to move about. But today I just simply cannot see it.
Today my body is filth and disgust to me.
And it hurts.

Tomorrow is a big day for me, social-wise. I'm going to be performing social-wise. And I'm nervous. And I'm scared that my current self-hatred will come in the way of my performance. And I hope I wont exhaust myself with distractions and stimuli beforehand.
But sadly, I know myself far too well.

The healthy-me tends not to last very long, but I hope, I hope really big that this is just a 2-3 day break in healthy-me.

[Sceal]

I woke up to check I've lost more weight, and that helped on the self-loathing. It helped on being reminded that this will take along time, but progress is being made.  And I know that my view of my body is a complex-situation coming from various traumas as well as the general commercial brainwash everyone is facing every day.
I haven't worked out today though, I am pretty knackered.
I've tidied up a bit more. I found some journal pages from two years ago.  I was reading the pages and I know I was in deep, deep despair back then. But I didn't feel it off of the text. I was even more self-judging then than I am now. And boy was I hypervigilant.

I also struggled with some computer driver issues, and I decided to delete some files. but in order to delete the right ones I had to go through a bunch of them and J's name popped up. It appears I got quite a few photos of him still. I didn't look at the photos, but I accidentally saw pictures of EM. I felt myself closing off. I deleted them, but they are still in my brain. How can I delete them in my brain? The more I try not to think of them, the more they pop up.

I tried to rest today too. I had a power-nap, except I was just lying in bed ruminating.
I am going to run a game tonight, my campaign, my rules, my adventure - and I'm running it for 6 other people. Some new folks, and some old ones. They all know I'm nervous - but I am beyond nervous. I'm exhausted and we haven't even started. I'm nauseous. I want to call it off.
I know it will be fine. I've prepared. I know I'll stumble a little in the beginning, and no one will laugh at me for it.  There really is no reason for me to stress so much about it. But I am.
I am worried they'll be bored, think I'm lame, worried they don't want to play with me, that I'm not brilliant enough. I'm worried I can't improvise enough.
I'm worried I'm too set in my ways. I'm worried I'm over-compensating with the fact that if I just focus on this game, this world, these people - then, well, then I don't have to focus on me. And I am worried I'm shutting off my reactions to those photos, and those statements, and the last session with Lady L, that I still haven't processed. And I don't want to deal with any of this, because I want to be strong, I want to feel good. I want to FEEL the progress, not drown in should haves, and should do's and perfection and performance.

Breathe....

It wont be a disaster.
I will be exhausted. I will be run down for the next few days. I will be a mess in my head.

What is wrong with me? We're supposed to have fun! I created it to have FUN.
I think I invited too many people. It's too far outside my comfort zone.
I'm scared.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sceal,
May I suggest some baby steps? Go easy on yourself.  The cabin trip ended prematurely and you went back home.   If it's too much, then can you leave?

As far as erasing an image in your brain, I've been there too.  I really struggle with certain reminders.  I wish I had an answer, but I would say keep grounding when the picture pops up.  I was able to calm down and not get a panic attack last night by using the what's up app you suggested for me.  Thanks so much for that Sceal.  Please take care as best you can 
Deep Blue

[Sceal]

I felt sick all day. Up until I started.
Then somehow I forgot to feel.

It of course went well. Everyone had fun. Although I realized I hadn't prepared enough, and I need to put in more work for the next month. I had fun too, by all means. but today I am spent.

I'm glad the app helped you, Deep Blue