Sceal's new journal

[sanmagic7]

this is great, sceal (aside from the pain, of course).  good luck with the doc.   so glad for you, honey.   love and hugs.

[Sceal]

Thank you darling! 

Not as superb a day today, as yesterday. It got discolored by late evening deciding to do the final fix of photos in the folder and I found some old photos of me and my ex (now very much deleted). I didn't react as badly to see him as much as I reacted to seeing me. I looked awful. So much shame! I seriously wonder how they let me out of the house.  But I worked really hard with myself after seeing and deleting those pictures. Talking kindly to myself, allowing myself to be sad for the girl I was, to be sad for her circumstances - but now allowing the shame to discolour my entire day.  It worked - to an extent. The day wasn't ruined, but I had awful dreams, and I woke up feeling slightly miffed. Everytime I remember those photos I am filled with shame. And I have to talk kindly to myself.

My GP is amazing. She's all smiles, cute and blonde. And very kind and helpful - always listening and gives me the time I need. I didn't need too much time today, I always try to rush through the appointment because I know she has others, but she always slows me down.
Nothing much to do for the pain but paracetamol and physiotherapy. I was lucky to get an appointment already on thursday! (I hope they have the "wellfare discount"- arrangement with the government). Usually I've waited for weeks and months when I've been in worse pain than this.
I will have to practice boundaries with my new physiotherapist. Let her know in the first session that it's from the knees and down - and not to meddle with any other aspects of my health and habits that's not related to my muscle injury in my knees and calves. - And somehow tell her this in a kind but firm manner. Time to practice some DBT-skills! An excellent opportunity actually! I hope she can help me, and I hope I'm able to communicate my needs and not just fall in to the trap of "this is her area of expertise - I know nothing of muscles and joint despite it being my body and my painlevels".

Other than that I sunbathed in my underwear at my parents place (no one could see me) while they were gone. I had coffee with them when they got back home, and then I went on an old hike-trail I haven't been in years. And MAN have I missed that place. It's a bit far from where I am living now, but I need to spend alot of hours walking those trails this autumn. I'm only allowed short hikes daily now - due to my legs. Which suit me fine - because my lungs suck. And I don't want to hike to get in shape, I want to hike to enjoy and destress and become creative and curious and generally just be amazed at the light and colour, and the shapes.

Sunshine hugs to all!

[Deep Blue]

Sounds wonderful Sceal
  to you.

I like that your GP slows you down.  It's nice to have someone that legitimately cares about taking care of you.

[Sceal]

Yeah, my GP is wonderful.
My previous one I had for 10 years when he changed speciality - I would have still had him if not. But the replacement he got was awful, and thus I ended up with the one I have now. And she's a darling.

Terrible, terrible dreams last night. Down right awful and horrific. I haven't been so exhausted waking up in forever. I ended up snoozing on the sofa, sometimes changing place to sleep helps getting rid of the awful dreams. I've been plagued with extremely poor sleep quality and bunch of nightmares the past week. I think I need to do something about the bedroom, something is off.
Supposed to go on a hike today, but I'm shattered.
Going for a coffee later. Was thinking dinner, but think I'll stick with coffee. We'll see.
Zombie cotton head.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with deep blue - it's great when someone else will look after us at times.  we all need that little extra caring - it makes so much difference.   and i think you can use that as a source of self-caring with your physio.  as you said, you know your body, know what's going on with your legs.  you have the right to stand up for yourself. 

that trail sounds wonderful.  i have one near my house, and it really does refresh and restore me.  i love being in the forest here.  that cabin and its environment sounds great.  i do hope you get to spend more time there - it sounds like it's very good for you.

love and hugs to you, sweetie.  love and hugs.

[Sceal]

I was lucky that I got the one I did, I totally agree! It's important to have trusted GP's and psychologists and other support people. I'm fortunate that I live where I live. I won the lottery being born in this country. Changing my GP isn't difficult, although I can't keep changing over and over and over again. And I'm constantly surprised when I hear stories from the uk and the us about GP's. Such as GP's thinking that excersise and eating healthy doesn't have a positive impact on mental health and anxiety. (wow  )

I have a few trails near me too, closer to the one I described briefly. But they are so crowded (not really. When I say crowded I mean - there are people occationally passing me by. And then I don't have the freedom from my own brain.

Sluggish day, but I am still okay.

[Sceal]

Had my session with my new physiotherapist today.
Loads of questions, I did manage to tell her that my last physiotherapist overstepped my boundaries and started meddling with my food and eating habits.
I also said I'm not yet able for her to treat my lower back and hips due to trauma, and that it infringes on my intimate-boundaries.
She checked how I stand and walk, and how I do a few strength work outs and corrected them and told me why the way I did it was causing me more harm than good. Then she massaged my calves.
At the end of the session I started getting nauseous, and I think I was quite tense. Having to be half-undressed infront of a stranger that's evaluating my body. I felt extremely exposed. But she didn't make any awful comments, didn't point out that my injuries are weight related. My right leg is alot more tense and rigid than my left leg. Both in hip, knee and in my calves. I have alot more movement in my left side than right side.
I didn't say it, but I suspect that my anxiety has something to add to that, when I start tapping my leg, it is always my right leg. She also said that trauma has a tendency to affect chronic discomfort quite alot, and that it might come from that. That the nervous system is all jumbled up together - which I find is nice she told me. She understands some then, that it isn't all directly my fault.

It's expensive, but if she can help me short term, and then give me advice of how to maintain it long-term - it will be worth it.
Day has just begun really. No nightmares last night (finally), but still stressful and chaotic dreams. I think it helped de-dust and open up the window even more and change the bed and de-clutter a little bit. I like to think so anyway.  I'm going to attempt to go back on the treadmill today, it's been about 5 days or so now I think.

Wishing everyone a good day!

[sanmagic7]

sounds like an aware and caring physio, sceal.  glad you got her.  yay.  love and hugs.

[Sceal]

Good afternoon!

I just worked out, so I am once again happy with dopamines, not as much as the last time I mentioned it. But I feel good never the less.

Last night was disrupted sleep once again. I don't remember my dreams all that much (which is a first), but I woke up having to pee an awful lot. And around 4-5 in the morning the biggest thunder I've ever heared sored over my home. It was impressive. I told myself: that this area is propped full of lightning rods away from the houses. It'll be fine. I'm not afraid of thunder and lightning per say.  I find the fascinating, but of course If I'm out and about I always make sure I'm not the talles point around or that I'm carrying something stupid like an umbrella with a metal rod sticking out of it. The rest of the night(super early morning) was full of thunder and lightning so there wasn't much sleep to have really. But I remained in bed until 7 anyway, no point in exhausting me before I had to - right? Besides, there is something so beautiful and calming listening to the rain truly pouring down and knowing I'm cosy and warm inside. 

So I got up, did the breakfast thing and did the social media thing and then it was time to drive off to my therapist session with Lady T, first one in a month. Well, 3.5 week. I've been feeling a little apprihensive for this appointment the last few days. On one hand I'm happy that daily life is back on track, and on the other hand - I'm feeling good! I don't want to be prodded and pried into the difficult areas potentially provoking yet another depression. I'm just out of one!
But on the way there, what did I spot but two very beautiful and clear rainbows. I haven't seen one in ages. And I couldn't help but smile and simply just enjoy the phenomenon. What comes will come, and after the rainy days there'll be rainbows to brighten things up again - right?  (oh my god, I'm so positive right now it's scary!).

It was nice to see Lady T again, she complimented me on my hair. Which of course further brightened up my day! I mean how could it not? She meant it, and I for once agreed with this compliment (wait, hang on.. what just happened?! That's very interessting. The first compliment I've been able to accept and take in to my heart. Wow! Go girl! - okay, that was random. I hadn't thought about that before writing it down here).

I told my Lady T that I feel good, the last week has been good. And I've decided to travel more, I got plans. And I just need to save up some money. She asked me if I was going to look for a job to help save - and I immediatedly got worried. I said no, I'm not ready for that yet. I have a plan with my well-fare people that I'm going for work-training in January. So until then I'll focus on treatment and find some course of some kind. Something that I want to do, just because I want to do it. I told her I haven't found it yet, but I will.

Then we made a plan for how to continue further on. It'll be divided into two sections.
Section a: Is in therapy, while I'm with her. It's going back to the letter I wrote in detail about one of the flashbacks. We're going to resume working on that one, until the shame levels lowers down - and then we'll get into one of the harder ones. One of the ones that is really bothersome for me, the core. And I told her, that when she talked about that, that I started distancing emotionally. She explained that as long as I keep avoiding, physically, emotionally and intellectually the core of the trauma will always be there to be a problem for me. And that we'll have to work together to slowly approach it, to lower the shame, to decrease my avoidance. And distancing myself is part of avoiding. She understands that it's not something I control anymore, it occurs naturally because it's become such an ingrained habit that protected me and allowed me to survive. But we'll work on it anyway. Step by step. She'll be there with me, and she'll help me navigate. By continiously stopping and asking me to check in on what's happening on the inside of me.
I told her I'm nervous. To which she replied "So would I, if I were you".  She immediatedly understood that it came out completely different than what she meant. But I had no problem understanding that she was empathizing and trying to validate my fear. We ended up laughing a bit at her expense.

I am scared though. I am scared my worst isn't bad enough. I do know that this is silly, but it is still a fear. It's basically a fear that I am weak and pathetic and should have been much stronger. And I suspect that she will have to continously reassure me that it was bad enough. I am also scared of my own reaction. I am scared that I will be tongue tied. I am not scared of the depression per se, because I have now experienced how I feel when I feel good, and it is truly good . And I know I'll reach this level again if I fall down. I have hope, in other words. And boy is hope powerful. I am scared that the depression will be long-lasting and rob me more of my life outside therapy and mental illness. And I am scared that I will lose hope again, because feeling hopeless is down right awful. And it requires so much power to work your way up from that again.

Section B: is what I will do at home. It will be a series of exposure-therapy on my own. It will take the time it takes, she said in the beginning it might take weeks from one topic to the next. Well, not topic, but thing to be exposed for. Until next session I am to go down to the library and look at the titles of books that is about the same subject as my cultish group was about. In hope that it'll desentizise me to this topic, and eventually I can regain my interest for it that is mine, and not related to the cultish group.
As in; lets pretend the cultish group was a group that were doing a spesific form of gardening. And that's what led me to them to begin with, meeting like-minded people who had the same interest in that spesific form of gardening. (it had nothing to do with gardening). But due to the toxic, and abusive environment of that group, it has polluted all my interst in this topic - and taken the joy and only triggers my flashbacks and shame and fear instead. The goal is to take back the joy and interest of the original topic. So it doesn't trigger me anymore.
And we'll change this exersise when I'm ready, when I've become bored. When it doesn't affect me anymore. So I can move on to another thing that I keep avoiding, starting small and building up. Building up my tolerance.

Section b I think will have it's own challenges than section a. But in a way I think it might become more manageable, eventhough I suspect it'll be equally draining.

But I am glad we have a plan, and that I'm aware of this plan. I hope I'm able to work efficiently, and so I can move on. I don't want to stop seeing her, because I'm quite fond of her. But at the same time, I do want my life to move on. I wish I could return to her again if my life has a backlash once I am stable and strong enough to manage without her help. But I doubt that'll be possible. I'll ask when the time is getting closer.

After the appointment, I got home and I worked on some creative stuff. And I worked out, as I mentioned above. And I made an appointment with a friend-to-be(perhaps?) to meet up in town for a cup of coffee before we'll enjoy a free concert. I'm looking forward to this!

[Sceal]

P.S

I do know I'm sounding like life is Great right now, and I can handle any obstacle - and that it might be provoking some thoughts and trigger something in others. I know that when I'm really far down the gutters, it is hard to share the joy with others. I am happy for them, but I don't see it possible for me.
But anyway, I thought I'd ask: Would you like me to make a thread about the small steps I took every day in order to help lift myself up?

[Hope67]

But anyway, I thought I'd ask: Would you like me to make a thread about the small steps I took every day in order to help lift myself up?

Hi Sceal,
I don't know to whom you ask that question, but I wanted to say, that I would like to hear about those small steps that you took every day in order to help lift yourself up.  If you want to write about it, I would like to read your thread, if you do decide you want to write it.
to you Sceal, and I'm glad that things are going well for you.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Hello Hope,
I was asking whomever was reading I've made a post in the progress section on the forum now And thank you for letting me know it'd be interesting for you. 
Thank you also, for looking in on me. I'm sorry I am not currently letting myself read other parts on the forum at the moment. I do think of you all though. Although, I had a sneakpeak yesterday in some journals and some other threads around the forum, and I realized I'm not ready yet.

Yesterday was a slow, bothersome day. I didn't feel sad or anything like that, but I was back to being unmotivated to do anything. Even to just take the trash out was just not something I was willing to do. I spent half the day in bed, and the other half watching Doctor Who and berating myself for being so sedentary. But my knee was totally out of whack, so I didn't dare go on the treadmill, and I think it was a sound desicion. Because my knee is so far better today. I also ate unhealthily and not really sustainable food throughout the day. Makes me feel a little jucky today. But I will do my best to make it better today.

I'm off for a week in a few days, I'm going to visit family in another city, and I'm quite looking forward to it. I'm staying with them for a week. I hope I'm not overstepping any toes, or that I wont get in the way. A week can be a long time sometimes. And sometimes it's just not enough time.  But I've looked forward to it the entire summer. And now it is here I'm starting to stress about what clothes can I bring that makes me seem less of a bum? They are very stylish people, they know how to dress well and do make-up well. All the things that I never grew up with, and wasn't particularly interessted in. I do wish I could dress in clothes that I felt good in, and not in clothes that makes me feel bigger, clumsier and more self-concious. But sadly, plus size clothing in my country means really ugly clothes in a tent-looking shape. Sometimes they try to make a bigger size of something nice looking, but it ends up not fitting anyone - because it doesn't work like that. I'd make my own clothes if I could afford enough fabric. Sometimes I do, and I've made a few skirts and dresses. But more often than not.. The fabric isn't very good quality, or not quite what I'm looking for.  You can tell that this is something that is really bothering me.
"if only I lose x amount of weight I'd atleast fit into normal clothes".
I've thought about it, wondered, if I were normal weight, or just above it. What kind of clothes would I choose? And the truth is.. I've no idea. There's a difference between enjoying the look of a style, and fitting it. Even if you're normal weight.

This really wasn't why I came on here to write. But I suppose it's been on my mind the last few days.

I'm finding food difficult. Because I don't want to eat chicken and salad for the rest of my life, everyday in and out. I'm not good at making chicken. It comes out rubbery, and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. And the thought of shoulding to eat more healthily is making a part of me revolt. It makes me consum alot more carbs. I ate a whole lasagna in two days. Lasagna meant for 4 people. I've eaten alot more pizza lately. And pasta. It's easy to make, easy to buy. Quick. And it taste good, because my chicken wok doesn't taste very well. Sometimes I wish I could sign up for a cooking class and learn to cook properly. But the cooking classes here are very spesific. "indian", "vegetarian", "asian", I just want regular food. And no fish, because I do not eat sea-food. Boy do I wish I liked it, but I don't. It's like there's only people in the capitol that wants to learn how to cook good food. Nowhere else. It's annoying. Maybe if I knew how to make simple but tasty meals, I'd enjoy it more.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
You hit on one of my specialties.  I like making chicken.  Do you cook it in the wok mostly? Do you have an oven?

I love making hasselback chicken.  The key with chicken is to put it at a high temperature, but for a shorter amount of time.  Let me know if you want some recipes.

Much love to you Sceal 

[Sceal]

Dear Deep Blue,
Isn't Hasselback a kind of potato? But sure, would love your recipes! Although, instructions on how to fry/oven bake a chicken is what I'm sorely lacking in skills.
I talked it over with my mom, and we've concluded my frying pan is ruined, and I'm in need of a new one. I'm hoping that's part of the problem too!
If I have a whole chicken filet, I usually fry it on high heat on both sides until the outside is uhmm.. fried? And then I turn it down on a lower heat and let it simmer until the inside is finished too. But when I cut it up before frying them, like in a wok.. It just doesn't work. I make sure my wok pan is heated and that the oil is well and hot too before putting the chopped up bites in the pan and stirring it until they are done. But somehow this makes them chewey (is that a word?).
And I do have an oven, but I rarely use it for oven baked chicken. Mostly because I feel I have to use up all the filets in one go, and then having to freeze them down - and when I defrost them later it just doesn't taste so well either. 

[sanmagic7]

just want to send you love, hugs, and support, my darling sceal.  it sounds like you have several things on your mind right now.  i think that can be a bit rough to navigate, but it seems like you're making plans, thinking things thru, and doing what you need to do to make it as easy as possible for yourself.  good for you, sweetie.

i'm so very glad you've had some pos. days, and hope has filtered its way back into your life.  i admire your attitude about knowing they've been there and will be there for you to draw on when those down days might creep in again.  keep up the good work.