Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

Thank you Deep blue, yeah my roommate understands it's too much right now. I can't hide it.

I dissociated during group today. I fell quite far away. I could hear voices, and I could see that the light was on. But it was like I was a prisoner in my own body. I couldn't move, I also don't remember anything of that time. One of the therapists took very good care of me, and helped me back to reality. I wish I knew what triggered me.

After that I somehow had to manage navigate the therapy session with Lady T. She said she saw how tired I looked. It was an interessting session.
We talked about the word "should", about being kind to myself, about working towards a connection between theory and practice. Between mind and heart.

I asked her at the end, the surgeon has set me up on an appointment in November. I asked her if I should delay further, but she was taken off guard, and couldn't quite give me a proper answer. She said no, I don't need to delay, but maybe we should talk more about it next session. And I'm scared. I'm scared that she meant it in such a way that means my therapy is coming to an end. I'm scared that's the truth.
I know I have to move on at some point, but we haven't talked about the R*, any of them. And I don't want to start over again.
So now I am scared. I'm scared that by saying yes to the surgery, or not postponing, she's also saying we're coming to an end sooner rather than later.
I don't want to let go.

[Deep Blue]

Maybe it means that she sees enough growth in you that she trusts you would be able to take care of yourself post surgery?

Maybe she means that surgery is a step towards recovery?

Remember I was worried about that a couple weeks ago?  Seems like a long time ago.  It's hard but I think it's better to just wait and see what Lady T has to say first.  Then feel free to share your fears with her about your time coming to an end.

I feeling more like myself again the last couple of days.  I'm around if you need anything.  Even to talk about nothing 

[Sceal]

The surgery has little to do with my c-ptsd or my pd. But it does require 6 weeks of recovery, and it will inpact my mental health to some degree. It's meant to improve my physical health, nothing more.

And if she sees that I'm strong enough to handle this on my own, she'll find me admitted to the psych ward sooner rather than later. I don't want to be the eternal-patient, but I'm not strong. I can't do group therapy for 3 hours without dissociating, or getting such high levels of anxiety I stop functioning. The days between group has been spent sleeping and barking at my roomie. This doesn't describe someone who's functioning well. 

Maybe I have become the eternal swing-door patient. I don't have anyone I can talk about this with, not even Lady T. She'll kick me out the door even sooner.
My friends will brush my concerns off like I'm being silly. They only see the functional part of me. Of course they do, no one wants to socialize when they feel like crap, and no one wants to be around folks who arent capable of interacting. But it makes me feel invalidated, it's not pleasant.

I'm going on a trip in a few days, I hope it'll be uplifting. But right now I've no idea how I'm going to be able to socialize all day long, morning til I fall asleep from thursday to tuesday. Oh god I'm dreading this. This was going to be the highlight of the year, why do I have to be like this now.

[Blueberry]

 

[Sceal]

 


I snapped at roomie again today. I told him no, he wouldn't listen. Then he asked for my help for what I said no. I said no again, and he told me to stop being difficult. And I said he's being a fu*"#% baby.  He called me a child. Whatever.

I don't feel well. I don't feel like I'm functioning at all. I don't want to travel.
I don't want to be at home either.

[Wattlebird]

Anyone who needs to be told no more than once really can't complain at being snapped at, sorry sceal I hope you feel better where your at, it horrid to not be comfortable in your own place.

[Sceal]

Thank you wattlebirds. I'm just so tired of having to look after him. I just want to move out, but I can't afford it. 

[Sceal]

I think I need to write. So I suspect this will be a long post that might end up getting cut off due to wearyness.

Firstly: I am worried about that Lady T is thinking of slowly starting to end our working together. I worry about this due to various things. 1) I'm really worn now, and the thought is unbearable to loose her. 2) I suspect I will end up either admitted to the psych ward by my PD, or get a new referral to them. I don't want to start over again with someone who doesn't know me. And someone I'll have to re-learn to trust. 3) I feel we've taken a break from working on the actual trauma's, and I'm not quite sure why. Did I do it, or did she change topic? I feel we're digging and then letting go - and it's not enough for me. I need help moving past it all. 3) The way I am right now - I am definitively not fit for work.

I'm going to see Lady T tomorrow as part of group, I wonder if I should ask if I can get a couple of minutes and bring this up. Or if I should let it wait and let it ruminate until next session, which will be after my vacation. She was also observing me alot last week, and it makes me unnerved. I know she was simply just having an eye out for me. But I feel I have to perform even more now, and that it's a performance I have to do rather than a healing thing. I would really like some aspect of my life to not be about performing. Last Wednesday (she's there during Wednesday group) I was struggling with a major anxiety attack, and I didn't dare look up at the others, she told me I shold try. And so I tried, and eventually it got better. I don't know how to act tomorrow now. I don't normally plan this, but now I feel I have to. And it's stressing me out. We're also going to the gym tomorrow with group and a bunch of others. I couldn't find my long-sleeved gym t-shirt. My SH has more or less healed and I think it's only noticeable if you look closely at my arm. Doing physical work-outs are important, and I've been slacking since my depression hit. I know, and it probably hasn't done me any favours by not working out.

I got the notice from the hospital that I got an appointment with the surgeon in November. I'm scared. I'm scared both, because I'm scared I'll loose Lady T. Maybe she's tired of me, or maybe my progress is too slow. But I'm also scared that I have to re-consider what that surgery will mean for me. For the rest of my life. It'll be a complete adjustment, and I got a feeling that I don't really know what that will entail. I also don't have control over food at the moment. I eat. I do. But I skip lunch, It started with me not going to be seen eating in public by the group. And I'm not entirely certain why that is. But I've noticed that me not eating lunch is really affecting me. My focus is lowered and i don't get full advantage that I might have with enough glucose to my brain.
I went on the scale today, and it said I'd gained 20kg since beginning of August. I know that has to be BS. The scale must be wrong, so I handed it in and got a new replacement. I can't have a scale that is potentially incorrect. If it is true and that I have gained 20kg, then I give up. I truly give up, nothing I do works.

I'm also going away this week, for 6 days. I'm meeting up with international friends, and some that I don't know. I'm nervous and I'm scared. I have been looking forward to this trip since I was invited along. I want to impress them, and I also want them to see me, not the PTSD, not the PD, not the exhaustion.  But I don't know who that me is. I don't know what to expect, and I'm also terrified I wont get enough rest that I need. I don't want to go have a nap during the day while the rest are socializing and having fun. I don't want to miss out. I wont see them again until who knows when!
I know I am ruminating tonight, and making a mountain out of a anthill. But mindfulness isn't helping, and neither is asking myself questions.

[Sceal]

I talked to Lady T. Fear was unfounded.

[sanmagic7]

so very glad your fear was unfounded, and that you found the courage to talk to her.   yay, you!

altho i know this whole surgery thing is very frightening for you, i also know that you've been working hard toward getting it done and having things taken care of.  sweetie, i can't tell you how proud of you i am, how much progress i see in you (including standing up to your roomie, setting those boundaries, etc.)  and how your own confidence in what you're doing and need to do is increasing.  it's heartwarming to see.

sending love and a hug filled with encouragement for your movement forward. 

[Wattlebird]

That was a courageous step sceal, I'm not sure I could do this congrats

[Sceal]

Wattlebird, I think you can surprise yourself with what you'd dare. I know I surprised myself yesterday. I think it was because somewhere inside I valued peace of mind while going abroad rather than let it hang over me as a dark cloud.

Dear San, the suregy itself I'm not afraid of. But I'm afraid of the changes it will mean. It will be good ones for the body, but it will be hard in social situations and while traveling.
Saying no to my roomie didn't work, as he didn't listen and I had to help anyway.  but I tried.

The days are still hard and overwhelming. It requires more strength than I have at the moment to get through the days. So this trip will be a real challenge! But I think it will leave me with more positive memories rather than negative ones. And we all do need to collect more positive memories to overshadow the bad ones.

I called my friend who knows me who will also be on this trip. Shell arrive after me, I told her what to do if I dissociate or if I get an anxiety attack. She said she was very grateful that I told her, so she could help and know what to do to help if anything should happen. Lady T reminded me it'll be more of a burden to my friend if something happens and she does not know what to do, rather than me letting her know in advance. I also told my friend she's not responsible for me, and I hope she won't feel that way.

[Hope67]

The days are still hard and overwhelming. It requires more strength than I have at the moment to get through the days. So this trip will be a real challenge! But I think it will leave me with more positive memories rather than negative ones. And we all do need to collect more positive memories to overshadow the bad ones.

Hi Sceal, Just popped in to say 'hello' and I also wanted to wish you some strength to get through the days - and I hope the trip you've mentioned here will be a good one, and that your hope to have more positive memories will be realised - and that the bad ones will stay in the shadows.  Wishing you some 'light' and some 'happiness'.

to you, Sceal.
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sceal,
Just wanted to pop in and say hi.  Hope your trip went well.  Sending you love and a hug 

[Sceal]

Thank you both, Hope and Deep Blue 

I am sorry, this might end up to be a bit long, it might not. We'll see..

The week before I left on my trip I got a letter to be called in to the surgeon, I asked Lady T if she thought I should postpone it. She reacted in a way that made me scared, scared she was thinking of ending my treatment. I asked her about it, on the day I was leaving for my trip. And she said no, she had no such thoughts at all. Which gave me a huge sigh of relief. I felt I could breathe, I hadn't realised I'd been holding my breath for 2 days.

I went on my trip, I was nervous and anxious. Filled with "what ifs" and rumination. My body took the toll. I was so full of pain I didn't get any sleep the night before  I left. The pain went away the moment I realised I would make it, and I wouldn't miss my flights or layover connections and all of that. It was quite an interessting observation. When I landed I was going to meet up with two girls I've never talked to before. I realised I had no idea what they looked like, but we found each other. They were nice, we were all zombiefied after having to get to, our various, airports at 4 in the morning. We got to the house we were staying at and I was overwhelmed by hugs and big smiles and more hugs from strangers. The awkwardness of no one remembering each others names the first day, and no one really knowing anyone except for maybe one or two. We were 16 people in total.
I have never felt such belonging to any group of people in such a positive way. Ever. It was beyond amazing. We were all scared, nervous and excited and we bonded so quickly. So many hugs throughout the week! I also had one person I have known for years there, and we connected to a whole different level than before. We had some hard and deep conversation in private, there were tears, there were support. And I love her even more now than ever before. Except for one woman who rubbed my feathers a little, it was delightful.

When I got home the good energy was still with me. The day after I got home I had group and people kept telling me I looked so much more energetic and better. I felt better. I was happy! Grateful, and just wonderful. The day after that I had a meeting with the eating disorder people, I got to meet my new contact person, and my former contact person suggested I might be able to freelance for them occationally. It was a wonderful question to be posed, I would love it if that would happen.

But then, of course it wouldn't last. How could it? I had my session with Lady T, and she told me she's leaving her job - she got a new job offer after new years. I tensed up, apparently, because in the patient journal it says I got stressed. All I remember is that I tried all I could to keep my composure. 5 minutes after her session I was supposed to have group therapy. I couldn't hold back the tears, so several times I had to leave the room because I got so overwhelmed. I really hate this, I really really do.
My friend suggested I ask her if she's going into private practice and if I can follow her there. I ended up spending a week writing Lady T a letter, everytime I sat down to write it I'd fall into tears and be overwhelmed by my emotions and sadness. Until I got so distanced from myself I could write it all down. It was written down in a humble and jumble without much emotions present. She was grateful for the letter, but by the point I saw her for my next session, I was so sure, so da*ed sure that she was angry with me. I was asking too much, I was being too needy. I was not apprechiating her enough, I wasn't explaining myself well enough. Whatever, I was terrified. I was tempted to not go, but my "good girl" "syndrome" and over active sense of duty made me go. I was shaking, I was avoiding all eye contact, I could barely get up of the chair from the waiting room. I wanted to flee. But I followed her upstairs.
The first thing she told me was that she wasn't angry or annoyed at me. I guess I was oozing fear, and she knows me well enough by now that any form of conflict sends me into a state of fear.
She didn't say I could follow her, neither did she say I couldn't. She didn't mention what her new job is at all. Only that she hadn't told anyone she had been applying except for her family.
I had written her some questions I'd like the answer too as well, she's going to give them to me in a written format, like I asked. Like an assessment. Honestly, I don't care so much what's in the letter - I just really want something from her. I do have a handwritten note with my homework on it, but - yeah...

I have to accept that she's leaving, she was bound to leave sooner or later. Or she was going to send me off on my way before I felt comfortable enough to be standing on my own. It was going to be either one of them. I am grateful that I got to know her for as long as I have, and I do have her until Christmas. Yet I do find this incredible difficult. She knows, I think. I've mentioned this on several occations before. She's not the first time I've had to change therapist throughout the years, but she's the second one I've wished wouldn't go. I have decided to send her some flowers on my last session with her, I don't know if I will be brave enough to hand them to her myself, or if I'll just have a courier send them afterwards. Who doesn't love flowers? Hopefully she's not allergic - and even if she is, I think she'll apprechiate the sentiment.

I also wanted to invite her to my gallery show, if it ever occurs, because it is in large inspired by my journey together with her.  I might write that in my card with the flowers. I don't trust myself from actually saying it without going into emotional overdrive.

I suppose this is the summary of how things have been lately. It's incredible sad, mixed with incredible good memories and connections to new people from all over.