Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

Awwww  Thank you guys! All the congratulations is warming my heart!
Dear, San - I'll let you know how it goes, the movie that is. I like the universe, but the original harry potter movies are the best. I wish I could see the theatre play; The cursed child. Maybe one day I get to! Will have to go to London for that though.

The Bad Stuff
Still worn out. Feeling nauseous, groggy and slow to think.
I am feeling alot of pressure being back. My sister has been house and dog sitting for almost two weeks, she's asked if I can do the remaining days. Part of me wants to, and part of me doesn't. I want to help her out, she's helped me out. But it's also overlapping my roomie's 30th. I feel bad about that. I shouldn't need to feel bad about it, he is my ex. I don't have any responsibility for him, yet I do feel so much responsibility for him. I feel it's all my fault. I know it isn't, he has had plenty of choices he has made, but yet. I still do feel it is my fault that things aren't super awesome for him. And I so dearly wish his 30th will be happier than mine.

The Good Stuff
I had a phone call with a friend of mine which was really nice. I got to be a good friend to her, and that is always nice. I also installed my new desk, and sorted through alot of mess. I was hoping to be able to clean it all up before my birthday, but no such luck.

I asked if my hairdresser were available for my birthday, and she was. I've been wanting to cut the ugly hair for a while now. I can't really afford it, but I'll treat myself some more. Been alot of self-treats lately. Trip to Israel, art print, a big plushie from The Moomin Valley. New clothes.

I had an appointment with Lady L. We talked about identity alot. I've felt for so long that I've no idea who I am, what are the things that is the hallmark of me. Outside PTSD and mPD, and outside the need for constantly being a social chamelion. And it's taken me a while, but a thought occured to me. Maybe it's not so much about who I am, but maybe I need to look towards who I would like to be. Because let's face it, I do have a golden opportunity to mould myself into a new person that I want to be, when I'm now working on reclaiming myself and overcoming my past.

The stuff in-between
I got an e-mail from the workplacement I'm going to be doing from January. The wellfare system have to place me somewhere in order to evaluate wether I am capable of working and in how high a degree. Eitherway, I am starting there the 4th of January. I'm to meet up and sign contract and find days that work well for me. I'm going to be there parttime. I've been excited to go since the summer, but now that it's so close I'm terrified. The email also said that I'll be joining in on lunch on that first day. When I read that, my anxiety shot through the roof.

I still don't know how and where things are with Lady T.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal I love your idea about working on who you want to be.

I have both bad examples and good examples in my life and I choose to try to follow the good.  I'm a mother, a sister, a teacher, a daughter, a wife, a friend, a fighter and a protector.

I will try to be there for any of those in need.  It's different shades of my personality.......but all still me 

[Sceal]

Thank you Deep Blue


The Bad Stuff
I'm helping my sister and parents out, so I'm house-sitting and dog sitting until Sunday.  i'm riddled with allergies, and it's cold here. I lit the fireplace, but it takes a while before it gets warm and comfortable.

I keep eating. I really do. And I hate myself for it. I don't even know why I do it. I don't have any strong emotions when I am eating. And maybe the people at the eating disorder place is right, maybe I should delay the surgery before I got a better handle. It's like now that I am on my own, I don't care. I don't have it in me to fight on my own. I'm not even sure if I'm even trying.  Or maybe it's just that I feel so much disgust because I had both ice-cream today and marsipan. But I don't think that's the worst part. the worst part is that I had 4 meals. That's what's bothering me.  I think? Actually, I've no idea what I think, what's true and what's not.

I also realized that I only have two more scheduled sessions with Lady T, and I'm scared. I'm scared that that's it. With her, I mean.
How am I to move on, and face the new challenges ahead of me without her? With the work-trainee thingy, with the voulenteer centre, with the surgery, with the rest of my healing.. I guess I'm scared of being abandoned. I am not fully ready yet to be abandoned.

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, it sounds like you answered your own question about your eating - your feelings of fear, dealing with lady t's leaving.  that's such a big one. 

please go easy on yourself.  maybe you've already begun the grieving process.  that's always an upsetting state of mind.  during grieving, we often revert to familiar ways of coping. 

you're not disgusting - you're coping as best you can right now.  give yourself a break.  it's ok, you'll be ok even if it's rough for a bit.  i have faith in you - you'll pull yourself thru, and we're all here to help.  sending love and supportive hugs.   

[Three Roses]

You are not disgusting. You were vulnerable and someone took advantage of their position and your trust. They did wrong, not you. Hugs and healing to you, friend. 

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Sceal,
I agree with San.  I believe you answered your own question and that you have fear about losing lady T.  I'd be lying if I said the idea of losing my T wouldn't be a huge source of anxiety for me. 

Please take care darling,
Here if you need me 

[Blueberry]

Sceal, I go through phases of eating too much too. Also phases where I seem not to feel anything while eating. My T was trying to help me be more mindful about it but I notice that it's really really difficult to be so. Pete Walker writes that eating for a comfort is something often begun when we were very very small, preverbal. Maybe just even a baby. That will make it seem more threatening to even feel mindfully what's going on, never mind stop. 

I'm learning better to accept myself even when I overeat, even when I look at myself in the mirror. I accept you too the way you are.

I'd be really worried about losing my T. It's totally legit for people like us to feel that way. It can take really long for us to feel comfortable with a new T. Who wants to go through all that again? So it's understandable that's causing you anxiety.

I don't think you're disgusting, not at all. If hugs are OK for you atm 

[Sceal]

Thank you everyone for the continous and tremendous amount of care and support you give me. I'm not worthy of it, but I apprechiate it so so very much!

@San, I think it's more than just one reason when it comes to food. I've found that usually it's never just one reason for something, it's always complex and intertwined, which makes me so frustrated..Because had it been at least just one thing, it'd be easier to focus and do something about it. 

@Three Roses, I have no words about how much I needed to hear what you said to me. Thank you. 

@Deep Blue, It is scary as *, this concept of losing her. Although I think I've been preparing myself for it since she told me. I'm not spinning out of control crying like I did when she told me. I don't think she'll leave me in the hands of someone she doesn't trust. If it comes to that. 

@Blueberry, I went to the eating disorder centre here to get help. My contact there is quite strict, I suppose I need it. Coddling wont help I think. She has me writing down everything I eat, why I eat it and what my emotions are. I find it difficult to figgure out the emotions. I also have come to the stage where I have to eat 4 meals a day. No matter if I end up binging on candy, I still have to eat dinner and evening meal. It's hard. I've managed 4 days in a row now. With the 4 meals thing. I'm proud of that.  Mindful when eating is so painful, I tend not to do it. But perhaps that could be the next step I need to take. Be mindful of what my body thinks and feels when it eats what I've chosen for it.


The Bad Stuff
I've not slept very well. When I went to bed I wasn't really tired, and my brain was working on overdrive. I had a massive headache that just wouldn't let me rest on top of things. I think I fell asleep around 01. And woke up by snoring around 4.

In less than an hour I'll be in Lady T's office. My stomach is spinning out of control by just the thought. Ihave to be strong and ask her questions and "demand" answers.  I hope I can keep my cool, and by that I mean, not spin out of control emotionally. I don't mind showing my emotions so much, but I need to be able to not go over or under the tolerance window so I can actually hear what she's telling me. Or give her a chance to respond. She tends to stop up whatever we're doing and help me back into the window of tolerance if I go above or below. It takes a big chunck out of our session every time. I need her help, but it bothers me it keeps happening. It doesn't happen so much outside of therapy anymore to be honest.
But I think it's because when I am in therapy I'm so exposed and so vulnerable I still don't know how to deal with that, and it's still too threatening for my mind it shuts down.

Setting demands is so hard, I'm scared. I feel like throwing up, or getting whatever is in my stomach out the other way.

The Good Stuff
I had two art conversations yesterday, both of which all the people involved said to reach out to them again if I want to and need some feedback. And also they all thing my concept is a good and strong one. I know what I want. I'll be honest, it sure as * doesn't feel like it. But I'll go with it for now.

I also had a conversation with a close friend of mine who was all up in tears, being triggered lately and scared. It felt good being able to be there for her, and her letting me be there for her and her daring to talk to me and show me how she's feeling.

I managed to clean alot yesterday, organized and prepared for later tonight. I had loads of ideas, and re-touched up the colour of my hair.

[Sceal]

Quick update. I am not loosing Lady T. But things will change regardless, I will see her every second week rather than weekly now.
I know I've been far more fortunate than many here when it comes to health care.
It is still going to be strange to adjust to.

I will also not be able to call her should * hit the fan. And if I end up in a prolonged crisis I will be in touch with the crisis team and not her.

[Deep Blue]

Glad she's not out of your life completely.

How do you feel about contacting the crisis team instead of her when things get rough?
Sending a supportive hug 

[Sceal]

I think it will be good. I already know some of the ones who work at the crisis team, because I've met them before. Before I met Lady T, right before I was admitted the last time. It's good to know that there is a safety net, when Lady T is busy doing her new job. I wont be able to call her like before, but I can leave her a message, and she'll look into giving me messages back. I haven't been a big caller, which is part of why I think she's okay with this. And that I'm alot more stable now than I have ever been. If I'd been worse off she'd not be able to feel she'd continue to give me the care I need. So I am happy that we managed to work together to get to this point.

I also hope that once it becomes more normal to go every second week instead, that I will become less dependent on her for my sanity. Besides I also got Lady L. She's not going anywhere as far as I know. I also hope that by going every second week I'll be able to focus more on the important work, not all the other things that keep propping up, getting in the way - but isn't super significant in the long run.

[Deep Blue]

So much progress Sceal! I'm so proud of you. You are such an incredible woman and I deeply believe you deserve all the praise we give you. Sending you so much love darling 

[Sceal]

I'm not sure if it is progress, dear Deep Blue, but more hopes and wishes.  Thank you for being proud of me though.

The sort of bad stuff? (Not sure where to place these thoughts)
Tomorrow I have my meeting at the eating disorder centre again. I've been mostly following the plan that we set out for me to do. There's been some days when I was away travelling where I forgot to fill out the forms. I've written down everything else though, and I have learned to have 4 meals a day now, I believe. We'll see how long it lasts. The bad part with it though, is that I feel that I'm eating far too much. My meals are bigger than they were, calorywise that is. But I'm not eating candy everyday, but often enough still.  I have to write it fully out for myself I suspect. The reasons why I am doing this surgery, and how it will possibly affect my eating habits, and how I need to be okay with eating several meals a day, and how I can never over-eat again. I'll be physically sick, but I don't think that would stop me if I am eating out of punishment. I haven't though, for a long time. I think.
I struggle understanding the emotions I have when I am eating, mainly because I don't think they have anything to do with food.

I walk around carrying this uncomfortableness, restlessness, kind of worrylike emotion, but I can't define it, I don't know what it is, where it belongs or what is causing it. Of course, it could just be as simple as the fact that there are alot of things changing in my life right now and for the next few months and I rightly don't know how to handle that.

I was thinking about the being good enough part. I know that this is a thing that everyone worries about at some point. And I'm fairly certain my Lady T will say the same. That it is normal, it is common. I think people think it is comforting when they say it is a normal occurance, but for me it feels belitteling. I feel misunderstood. Not that I think my emotions, or reactions is bigger, more profound or more difficult than anyone elses. But it does feel like they don't matter. So the not being good enough, I know people worry about it. Yet, they do seem to have coping mechanisms or generally know how to deal with those fears, or know how not to listen to them. For me they become debilitating. I really would love to do more art, but I fear and believe i will never be good enough. And I know my fellow artists definitiely struggles with these feelings and thoughts. For me, they become in such a manner that I cant seem to do anything. I waste my days watching tv or read books, or wait for people to respond to me online, rather than to sit down and do the work. But I fear even my sketches will be awful, that my learning of art will not be good enough, that my understanding will always be sub par.

I am thinking of this, because Lady T was asking me to think about what to focus on next. I know I only have one session before christmas, and then it'll be a monthbefore I see her again. So I am not sure if I would like to jump right into the deep water. And being left on my own for so long.  So I was thinking of maybe this as a topic. Or as one suggestion of a topic. I will have to think some more and come up with another suggestion.

The Bad Stuff
I am falling into an apathy kind of emotional state right now. Don't really care much about anything. I hate being in this stage. I'ts not very productive for healing, progress or getting any work done.

I had a panic earlier today. I was thinking about postal services, and christmas. and I realized I still live on the same address as I did in 2016, and so they know where I live and what my address is... what if they seek me out this christmas? What if they send me a christmas card? Wondering where I went? Calling me names, blaming me, acccusing me.

(Potential TW for those with religious background)
Last night I had the most horrible nightmare. People were being possessed by demons, and they were being all mean and nasty, having fits and seizures and talking about performing suicide while they were being possessed so the demons would definitevly drag them down to *. I woke up sweating, it was so terrifying. I'm not christian, I don't believe in *.

[sanmagic7]

sweet sceal, i relate to battling with emotions, trying to figure them out, not understanding how i'm feeling at a given moment.  it is so very confusing.  too much of my life i've walked around in a confused state   .  yep, just like that.  and i know that often i just feel some kind of discomfort but can't pin down what's going on with me.  often, those are the times i eat when i'm not really hungry.  it's a battle, for sure, and it sounds like you are taking up the banner and riding to the fore of it.

i admire your fighting spirit, sceal.  i really do.  you are a warrior woman and an inspiration.  thank you for all you share.   sending love and a hug full of support.   i'm also glad for your art - it seems to be a pos. part of you, so i'm glad you're pursuing it.

[Wattlebird]

Hi sceal
I can relate so much to your apathetic mood atm, it sucks I know, you have such a kind way about you, shine some of that kindness back at your self, I don't always say much but I always follow what your up to and I'm always encouraged at your strength and kindness, one day at a time.