Sceal's new journal

Started by Sceal, April 17, 2018, 03:41:21 PM

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sanmagic7

those sound like great reminders for you, sceal.  being aware is such a big first step.  and the realization that you're people-pleasing again is, also, a big step.  i think it's pretty difficult to do anything about something unless we realize what that something is.

one thing that helped me with that automatic 'yes' response was to begin saying, 'i'll have to get back to you'.  it took a lot of practice (or anything where i intentionally stall my response - 'i've got to think about it', 'i don't know yet', i've got to check my schedule' ) but i've gotten much better thru the years.  i needed that time to actually decide if it was something i truly wanted to do or not.

it gets easier with practice, and i learned more about myself, my likes and dislikes, what and how much i was willing to do, all that good stuff by giving myself time.  there were a lot of slips when i first began, but since i now know myself better because of doing this, i can decide more easily and more quickly, sometimes on the spot, if it's something i want to take on or not.

all i can do is encourage you to keep going with this.  i think it might be connected to being more aware of your body sensations.  you sound like you're breaking thru to you, and i don't think that's a bad thing.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Sceal

I used to do that, say "I'll get back to you", "I have to double check my planner" etc.
But I've said it so much lately I feel overwhelmed by all the answers I have to give back to everyone. and I'm so worn out.
I'm happy I have so many offers for various things, I'm lucky in that regard! I am, and I know that. But right now, it's a little much.

sanmagic7

maybe you can find something that allows you to quietly back out without having to give another reply.  like 'i'll think about it' and just not get back to them.  if they ask, then you can answer that you thought about it but it wasn't going to work out for you.  no need for explanations, no need to put out that extra energy.

it can be tough.  been there, done that.  back in my popular days.  nowadays, i don't really have that problem cuz i've eliminated so many people from my life that were energy-draining. 

love and hugs, sweetie.

Sceal

Big hug to you San.  :bighug:
Thank you for encouraging me. I think I know why I'm doubly stressed by this nowadays. It came to my realization reading your words.
It's just that it's a part of me I don't want to work on right now, because there's other parts I want to work on right now. I can't do it all at once. I keep trying that and I keep failing that way.
There's two things I want to try and that is to be more active, be more out in nature- pushing myself to go up hill and let the body experience it doesn't need to go into a panic attack just because my breathing gets heavier.
and the other thing is to connect more to what's signals my body is sending me, or atleast observe it.
And those two things on it's own require massive energy from me. And I don't want to add more on my plate.

It feels good understanding this.

Libby183

Good for you,  Sceal.  You have realised the two areas that are important for you at this time.  I think you are so right to say that you will focus on these and leave the
"other people issues",  so to speak, for a later date. You are most important now.

Guilt-free and shame-free is something I am working on, and it's helping me. Look after you!

Take good care.

Libby.

Sceal

Thank you, Libby. For reading and for your kind words.
I will try and keep them in mind throughout the days.

---
I went up hiking the same trail as last week. It was much harder this time. I pushed a bit more and I didn't walk as slowly, although still slow.

On the way up I kept stopping up and looking around me. I kept saying " I am in Europe. I am in X part of Europe. Im in X country, I'm in X part of the country, I'm in X city and this forest in this part of the city." And I'd try really hard to tell myself that this was happening here and NOW.  Everytime I got a sense of realisation of the now-thought I got dizzy and pushed my body further away from me.
I almost didn't manage to the top today. But I did it anyway.
And ever since I got back down I've been nursing a headache.

Lots of work today

Sceal

I was really sloggish this morning, but I managed to go to the gym.
Me and a friend from DBT group (although we're apparently not allowed to socialize) went had an 1.5 hr long workout session today.
She's very friendly and energetic, and I find her grounded.

We talked loosely about different topics today, generally improving life kind of topics. And I was going to explain something, I can't recall what, but it included me saying I'm not fit to work. The most I've worked in mylife is 70% and I turned into a sourpus outside work. I was cranky and mainly kept to bed after work and the days I wasn't working. I wasn't functioning.  She said I was sick, and I was. But I think she has a view of me that I'm healthy now- so I can work now. I'm not healthier, I have a lower capacity for work now than then. But the comment she made was "but you're doing so many things".  And that comment sting. She (and they) don't see me at home. Or during the rest of the day.

I have to try and let go of such comments, because otherwise they will suffocate me.

sanmagic7

i completely agree with you. suffering from this invisible condition can be a trial in itself when it comes to others.  people in the house where i live knew i had a lot of physical stuff going on, and that's something they can identify and it makes sense for them.  what we struggle with inside they haven't a clue about.

it sounds like her comment was not meant to be hurtful, even tho you felt pain from it.  these things are from ignorance, most of the time.  all she can see is what you are accomplishing on the outside, where you've made some major advancements.  and that's great. unfortunately, our inside stuff doesn't necessarily keep up with the outside, but no one else knows that.

i do hope you can put that comment to the side. 

may i congratulate you on your efforts with making progress physically, pushing yourself at times.  well done, sweetie.  plus, i loved your grounding exercise as you walked. that's very cool.   keep up the good work.  the rest will follow. you're doing so much for yourself in a healthy, positive way, it's wondrous to behold.  love and a big hug to you.

Sceal

I know other people suffer from things that I never will understand, and perhaps I say stupid comments to them without realising or meaning to.
But even if it's not meant to hurt it still do sting. I'll just have to try and be dialectic about this.
I have to find a way to not get so defensieve, or feel defensieve when people are giving me their unsolicited advice. "just grit your teeth" "Just make up your mind" "just put your shoes on".
I suspect I'm a little like my mother in this that when people tell me what to do, I really don't want to do it.
I get that things are hard and difficult sometimes I really do understand that, which makes me not accept that I should choose to cause myself more trouble than I need to. Although, perhaps by being so uptight I am choosing to give myself more ache than needed.

I've been thinking lately that I'm almost ready to move on in my life, not from trauma - because that's still a backpack that's glued to my back. No I mean my current position in life. Living with my ex, and constantly putting off life-long dreams. But with this desicion comes sadness. I fear change like the next person, but not because it might not be better. But I fear the change because I might lose the good that I have. My ex is a wonderful person, the other night when I came home upset with my family he would just give me hugs when I would be ranting and going around restlessly muttering. And it calmed me, the gentle hugs. And it saddens me, the thought of moving away from him. Generally the sadness usually always comes before a big desicion, and telling him will be hard. But it wont be for a long while yet - but I will carry the sadness in my heart. And it will break my heart when I see his sadness too.
But.. I can't just stop life because I'm worried about sadness.

I need a pick me up now.

Sceal

I had so many dreams. Big dreams.
I was going to be a doctor, I wanted to work with people who had cancer. Care for them, help them.
I wanted to go to Africa or to Asia to voulenteer for a few months either with kids at a school or with animals.
I wanted to travel to China, to the Great Wall, to see the nature around the big cities.
I wanted to visit so many places, meet so many people.
I wanted to backpack in Yellowstone national park or Yosemite national park - or both.
I wanted to be an artist, to write books - to reach people.
I wanted to be a psychologist - to help those who are the weakest and those who needs it the most. To help them rebuild their lives and self-image to not lose hope it's not all for waste.
I wanted to see the world.
I wanted to have a place of my own, it didn't have to be big. But preferably near water and/or forest.

I can still do some of these things, but not all. I may never be able to work full time so I could afford most of them. I'm so incredible sad that I can't get to see the world. And meet all those exciting people I was supposed to meet. To help those I could.
Instead, most of the time I'm stuck at home - wasting my life away by looking at TV because it costs so much to do the work. The work I need to do to get my * together. Or I start a new project, I fear at the back of my mind will fail too - because they all have in the past - and it's just another one to keep me busy while I waste time doing nothing while I should be out there, travelling. Exploring. Hiking.

There are so many people out there who's been traumatized far worse than I, and are still able to function enough to go to work. Or function enough to dare to have a relationship, or function enough that they dare to go after what's important for them in life. So why am I holding myself back all the time?
I'm so afraid of coming back home to no-one. I'm so afraid to be judged and to be cast aside that I don't do the things that I think would be good for me. I don't dare to set down the boundaries - to focus on what I want and just do it, pushing everyone elses opinoins and thoughts aside because when it comes down to it all - the only opinion that truly matters is my own.
I think I'm wasting time, because I'm afraid. But also because I do not believe I am worthy of pursuing my dreams.
And because I'm still punishing myself for not being able to stand up for myself, not being able to get away. Because my NO! didn't matter.
I am scared that I am not strong enough, physically, emotionally and psychologically.

And all of this is making me so incredible sad.  :'( :bawl:
I know people say that I'm still young, I'm 31. I have plenty of time left to do all the travelling. And perhaps I do have the time... But I might not have the money, and I might not have the guts, and I might not have the health to do it later. And I keep postponing it, and I go on smaller trips that I know is safe for me. Convenient. Cheaper.
It has to end. I have to figure out how to stop me stopping myself.

Hope67

Hi Sceal,
:hug: to you.  It's great to have dreams, and I hope very much that you'll feel able to re-write your wishes/hopes/dreams to say 'I still want to' rather than 'I wanted to' - because I think you will achieve many things in your life - and I know you are still young enough to do many many wonderful things.  31 is young! 

I love the range of things you want to do - and I really hope you'll find that you can take some baby steps towards achieving things - because those steps can lead towards the hope of achieving them. 

Sometimes our mind puts obstacles in our path - and I know how some days can feel as if the world is closing in, and it can feel a bit hopeless and bleak - but Sceals - your light shines brightly - and I hope you know that you're a special person and you can make a difference, and you already do.  You've been so kind to me, in your replies, and you've made a difference to me.  Thank you.

Sceals, I hope that you will find a way to achieve as many of the things you want to achieve. 

Hope  :)

Sceal

 Hope,
:hug: Thank you. I don't know how to reply, I had no idea I have a shining light, or that I've made a difference to you. I'm all teary eyed about this now. The good kind of teary eyed.


---
Today was supposed to be my "day off" my lazy day. I woke up with my muscles screaming at me, particularly my * and my thighs. I spent 1.5hours at the gym doing strength yesterday - so this is no wonder. I tend to find it amusing when I struggle to walk, despite the pain. But it's a good kind of pain - for once. I woke up around 7ish, and got restless before 09. I went to the store around 10 (I thought they didn't open before, turned out they opened at 8). They didn't have what I'm looking for (it's surprisingly hard to find a bucket with an airtight lid). So I went to my parents place, they weren't home - but I was planning for that. I sat outside in the sun until it got too hot and then I went swimming to cool down. I got back home around 13ish. Restless like no tomorrow.
Not really energized, but restless. Sitting down makes no sense, but no motivation to do anything either. To hot to be outside, body not wanting to do anything straineous. I tried to take my restlessness out on my roomate - but he saw straight through me and called me restless before I had even realized what was going on. I ended up deciding to re-organize our entire livingroom. He's none too happy about it. But I am. He'll get used to it, if not - I'll have to move the furniture back the way it was.
I've been eating and eating and eating all day too. And at one point I stopped up and asked myself why. But I didn't have any answers, I just got more restless and active. Sweat was dripping and I was creating a bigger mess than there was to begin with. Ended up hunting for spiders.

I thought I had the food under control, but now - thinking back throughout the day and the week, I realize that I don't. I usually stop eating when it's this hot. I'm trying to lose weight, but I'm stuck on the scale. I think it's because I'm eating more while being more active. Something is blocking me, I just don't know what. My T is away for two weeks so I can't ask her to help me figure it out.
I feel fine. There's no nagging thoughts circling throughout the day (except for the dreams being wasted and sadness for the future - but they are only there when I actively think about it), there hasn't been any big - oh wait... Yesterday, when we left the gym.. I saw a man whom I think might be an associate of J, and whom had a falling out with me (he resented that I was made leader and he wasn't, although he is superior in my age. And had a huge problem with me trying to delegate work to him - while he didn't keep the promises he made and I tried to hold him accountable. He didn't have the conflict openly with me, but talked and cursed me behind my back) before I left permanently.
I'm not sure if it was him, I jumped behind a locker (there was no other hiding places), and I didn't dare to look when he walked past me.
It might be that, but I'm not sure to be honest.

Hope67

Hi Sceal,
I was just explaining what I had sensed - and I perceived a shining light - and yes, you have made a difference to me - you've validated me on many occasions, and I've felt your support strongly - and that's probably why I've sensed the shining light.  I hope your muscles recover soon - you've been doing a lot at the gym.

I just wanted to send you a hug  :hug: and wish you the best for the day.

Hope  :)

Sceal

 :hug: thank you Hope.
---

This weekend there is a happening in the kind of environment I used to be part of. Where J is. J and his family.
There was a news article in the newspaper about it with pictures. I had to look, they weren't photographed.
I am glad they are (most likely) there and that I am an hour drive away.

I'm not unhinged- not yet. But I have a big lump in my belly telling me this isn't okay. My hands and feet feel like they are on fire as well. So clearly not okay.

Blueberry

I don't know what to say Sceal, but I hope you manage to stay grounded and especially keep safe.  :hug: