Sceal's new journal

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #120 on: June 14, 2018, 07:23:07 AM »
I'm worn.

My hand is full of scab crust from the friction wounds I got during my flashback-anxiety-provoked-thingy that happened during last therapy session.
It's tender, and I feel it everytime I close my hand or accidentally bumps into something. It's not something, but it bothers me. It's a constant reminder of how I started doing SI early in my childhood. And it bothers me that I couldn't move away from my body.

I realized while talking to my GP today, that my body - it's not me. I know I've talked about that before. But it became so clear to me today, that my emotional brain considers this body a cancerous tumour. And I realized too that perception of my own body makes it quite difficult to start aligning myself with it, start listening to the signals it sends me. It's no wonder that on Tuesday my cognitive and emotional brain point blank refused to allow my body to have it's reaction and was fighting every single second of it. We talked alittle about the future today, my GP and I. And I say that for the first time in my life the future is a black hole with no hope for improvement. I've always looked to the future, hoping, praying, begging for it to be better, and working hard to achieve goals. But that future doesn't seem to ever appear. I am in the future now, and it's not exactly any better than it was 10 years ago. My GP suggested I try to be more mindful of today, the here and now. Which is all I can be doing, just when the topic of future comes up I resign. She also suggested I try and be a bit more adapting to the future, but I feel I've adapted all of my dreams and goals.

After GP I popped by my friend with the twins. It was good. I managed to be present 100% for the first time for as long as I can remember while I was playing with one of the twins. My friend says I'm super popular with the twins, they are never in a bad mood when I'm around. And it's kind of true. I've only heard them be fussy and difficult one time, and that's when I walked in the door and they hadn't seen me come down the stairs yet, but once they saw me they were all smiles and embarrasment. How can my heart not melt with that knowledge for them? I think that they are equally popular with me as I am with them.

I'm hanging out with a few friends later today, and I'm really looking forward to that. It's been a long time coming (years). But I'm so exhausted. I was thinking of cleaning the appartment. I came as far as cleaning my yogamat. I'm trying to remind myself that I have done ALOT this week. I'm going to summarize it here so it's easier for me to see it black on white:

1. Intellectual talk about storytelling with an inspiring friend of mine (whom I really would love to impress)
2. Really heavy session in therapy
3. Attended summer party same day as heavy therapy - it was really difficult but it got better during the evening
4. Had a talk with my SA-support lady
5. Socialized at the SA-centre with lunch and also planning a steep mountain hike that I'm scared to do
6. Bowling
7. Preparing for next week's art-interview
8. Appointment with GP and talking about future
9. Playing with toddlers
10. Attempting to clean.

And the week is only halfway through.
I need to slow down.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #121 on: June 14, 2018, 08:48:57 AM »
I'm not going to be active many other places on the forum than my own journal for a while.
I'm struggling a bit with wanting to take other people under my wing, and try and take over their pain - even if it's impossible.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #122 on: June 14, 2018, 11:54:38 AM »
Much love to you Sceal! Sounds like some good self care to me
 :bighug:
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #123 on: June 14, 2018, 03:19:13 PM »
Thank you dear  :hug:

---
I turned off the pc for a while. And sat down with my notes on tackling the body.

Now I don't feel so good. I would love to SI, to just feel anything else. But I won't. I will try and hang in there til the morning and I'll call my T instead.
Hopefully.
She said I can't call her after I've done anything. I have to call her before so she has a chance to try and help me. I will try that.
But I don't like this feeling that I can't name or really understand.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #124 on: June 14, 2018, 03:24:42 PM »
Sweet Sceal,
 :hug: Iím sitting with you holding your hand in this.  Iím in the same boat. Iím not going to give in.  Fight together k?
 :hug:
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #125 on: June 15, 2018, 02:12:29 AM »
 :hug: Deep Blue, I'll sit with you too and fight our monsters.  :hug: your kindness means so much

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #126 on: June 15, 2018, 08:56:59 AM »
sweetie, may i respectfully disagree with you that you're in the same place you were?  2 things jumped out at me - that you didn't dissociate with the twins for the first time, (a first), and that the party got better even if it was difficult at first.  plus, you're waiting, putting your si on hold till you speak to your t.  these are all big changes for the pos., even if you haven't seen them this way.

i even think your realization about the disconnect to your body is huge.  to me, seeing these things shows that you do have a future to look forward to.  maybe the changes aren't coming as quickly as you'd like, but i see them being there nonetheless.  hang tough, my dear.  i'm sitting on the other side of you.  we'll beat the beast in the end, or at least whittle it down to the size of a prankster puppy.   love and hugs.
learn something from everything.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #127 on: June 15, 2018, 01:44:15 PM »
thank you San, for always believing in me.
I've felt disconnected from my body almost my entire life, it's just the last few months i've been able to put words to it. Knowing and saying is two different things. But saying is progress to.

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TW
I was watching a very touching movie today, and I cried quite a few tears. The only way I can get them out.
Anyway, there is a phrase that was said in the movie: "You deserve everything you want", this was of course said by the mother of the main character. But this sentence bothers me. The main character hadn't done anything special to deserve anything, he was simply a son/brother/friend. People say this sentence, or similar far too often. My problem with this sentence is if everyone deserves what they want... that also means that all the bad guys out there, all the people who wanted to take advantage of me and of other people - they deserved to get what they wanted to. And this... This concept is something I simply cannot get behind. I wish people would think about what they are actually saying when they say stuff like that. Some people simply want to do bad things to other people , and if the prerequisite of deserving something is to simply just exist... then well we're all pretty much !§#"&%.
I've tried to express this line of thought before and people tell me I'm weird or that it "of course doesn't mean the bad stuff"... But honestly.. what is "of course" about it? Nothing.

None of us deserved to be victims of abuse. Our abusers didn't deserve to take advantage of us for their enjoyment/pleasure/whatever.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #128 on: June 15, 2018, 01:45:38 PM »
I guess somewhere inside I'm angry, from my words and tone in my previous post this is quite clear. Except, I can't feel that. I just feel sadness mixed with a unhealthy dose of nothingness.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #129 on: June 15, 2018, 02:58:16 PM »
Sceal,
Itís ok to be angry.  I still get angry at my abusers too.  Im glad you kept your previous post.  I think you make a valid point in it. That saying rubs me a bit the wrong way too.

San is right, you are accomplishing so much. Thanks for being you  :hug:   Thanks for helping me fight my demons last night too.
Much love,
Deep Blue
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #130 on: June 16, 2018, 02:39:08 PM »
sceal, i think it's an important step that you can recognize the anger that's pushing at those barriers even if you can't actually feel it yet.  small steps, sweetie, but they definitely all count.

that phrase, about deserving everything you want, can be tricky, to my mind.  i have said it myself, but to select people, people who i believe deserve everything they want.  i've never said it as a universal saying to include everyone who's ever lived.  i don't believe anyone deserves to feel good about themselves at the expense of another.

no, i believe instead that deserving what you want has boundaries around it.  being a good person, not taking advantage of others in a hurtful way, working to improve self - those kinds of people, yes, they deserve everything they want.  we all have the same choices to make in life, and those who make the choice to lead a good life, show kindness and caring (such as your example of the person being a good friend) - the little things, are what define what kind of person we are choosing to be.

i don't think we have to be some kind of saint or philanthropic celebrity to deserve having everything we want.  i think most of the people on this forum deserve everything they want.  i think you do, from what i know of you.  absolutely.  you are struggling daily with your issues, yet you find that support, caring, and kindness within you and give it to others here.  are you deserving?  definitely, in my book.

just my opinion.  disconnection from your body - that must be rough.  i don't feel that, so i don't exactly know what it's like, but i can't imagine it.   with all the work you're doing, your surgery coming up eventually, i'm hoping that can get resolved for you.  sending love and a hug full of resolution and re-connection.
learn something from everything.