Sceal's new journal

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #120 on: June 14, 2018, 07:23:07 AM »
I'm worn.

My hand is full of scab crust from the friction wounds I got during my flashback-anxiety-provoked-thingy that happened during last therapy session.
It's tender, and I feel it everytime I close my hand or accidentally bumps into something. It's not something, but it bothers me. It's a constant reminder of how I started doing SI early in my childhood. And it bothers me that I couldn't move away from my body.

I realized while talking to my GP today, that my body - it's not me. I know I've talked about that before. But it became so clear to me today, that my emotional brain considers this body a cancerous tumour. And I realized too that perception of my own body makes it quite difficult to start aligning myself with it, start listening to the signals it sends me. It's no wonder that on Tuesday my cognitive and emotional brain point blank refused to allow my body to have it's reaction and was fighting every single second of it. We talked alittle about the future today, my GP and I. And I say that for the first time in my life the future is a black hole with no hope for improvement. I've always looked to the future, hoping, praying, begging for it to be better, and working hard to achieve goals. But that future doesn't seem to ever appear. I am in the future now, and it's not exactly any better than it was 10 years ago. My GP suggested I try to be more mindful of today, the here and now. Which is all I can be doing, just when the topic of future comes up I resign. She also suggested I try and be a bit more adapting to the future, but I feel I've adapted all of my dreams and goals.

After GP I popped by my friend with the twins. It was good. I managed to be present 100% for the first time for as long as I can remember while I was playing with one of the twins. My friend says I'm super popular with the twins, they are never in a bad mood when I'm around. And it's kind of true. I've only heard them be fussy and difficult one time, and that's when I walked in the door and they hadn't seen me come down the stairs yet, but once they saw me they were all smiles and embarrasment. How can my heart not melt with that knowledge for them? I think that they are equally popular with me as I am with them.

I'm hanging out with a few friends later today, and I'm really looking forward to that. It's been a long time coming (years). But I'm so exhausted. I was thinking of cleaning the appartment. I came as far as cleaning my yogamat. I'm trying to remind myself that I have done ALOT this week. I'm going to summarize it here so it's easier for me to see it black on white:

1. Intellectual talk about storytelling with an inspiring friend of mine (whom I really would love to impress)
2. Really heavy session in therapy
3. Attended summer party same day as heavy therapy - it was really difficult but it got better during the evening
4. Had a talk with my SA-support lady
5. Socialized at the SA-centre with lunch and also planning a steep mountain hike that I'm scared to do
6. Bowling
7. Preparing for next week's art-interview
8. Appointment with GP and talking about future
9. Playing with toddlers
10. Attempting to clean.

And the week is only halfway through.
I need to slow down.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #121 on: June 14, 2018, 08:48:57 AM »
I'm not going to be active many other places on the forum than my own journal for a while.
I'm struggling a bit with wanting to take other people under my wing, and try and take over their pain - even if it's impossible.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #122 on: June 14, 2018, 11:54:38 AM »
Much love to you Sceal! Sounds like some good self care to me
 :bighug:
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #123 on: June 14, 2018, 03:19:13 PM »
Thank you dear  :hug:

---
I turned off the pc for a while. And sat down with my notes on tackling the body.

Now I don't feel so good. I would love to SI, to just feel anything else. But I won't. I will try and hang in there til the morning and I'll call my T instead.
Hopefully.
She said I can't call her after I've done anything. I have to call her before so she has a chance to try and help me. I will try that.
But I don't like this feeling that I can't name or really understand.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #124 on: June 14, 2018, 03:24:42 PM »
Sweet Sceal,
 :hug: Iím sitting with you holding your hand in this.  Iím in the same boat. Iím not going to give in.  Fight together k?
 :hug:
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #125 on: June 15, 2018, 02:12:29 AM »
 :hug: Deep Blue, I'll sit with you too and fight our monsters.  :hug: your kindness means so much

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #126 on: June 15, 2018, 08:56:59 AM »
sweetie, may i respectfully disagree with you that you're in the same place you were?  2 things jumped out at me - that you didn't dissociate with the twins for the first time, (a first), and that the party got better even if it was difficult at first.  plus, you're waiting, putting your si on hold till you speak to your t.  these are all big changes for the pos., even if you haven't seen them this way.

i even think your realization about the disconnect to your body is huge.  to me, seeing these things shows that you do have a future to look forward to.  maybe the changes aren't coming as quickly as you'd like, but i see them being there nonetheless.  hang tough, my dear.  i'm sitting on the other side of you.  we'll beat the beast in the end, or at least whittle it down to the size of a prankster puppy.   love and hugs.
learn something from everything.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #127 on: June 15, 2018, 01:44:15 PM »
thank you San, for always believing in me.
I've felt disconnected from my body almost my entire life, it's just the last few months i've been able to put words to it. Knowing and saying is two different things. But saying is progress to.

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TW
I was watching a very touching movie today, and I cried quite a few tears. The only way I can get them out.
Anyway, there is a phrase that was said in the movie: "You deserve everything you want", this was of course said by the mother of the main character. But this sentence bothers me. The main character hadn't done anything special to deserve anything, he was simply a son/brother/friend. People say this sentence, or similar far too often. My problem with this sentence is if everyone deserves what they want... that also means that all the bad guys out there, all the people who wanted to take advantage of me and of other people - they deserved to get what they wanted to. And this... This concept is something I simply cannot get behind. I wish people would think about what they are actually saying when they say stuff like that. Some people simply want to do bad things to other people , and if the prerequisite of deserving something is to simply just exist... then well we're all pretty much !§#"&%.
I've tried to express this line of thought before and people tell me I'm weird or that it "of course doesn't mean the bad stuff"... But honestly.. what is "of course" about it? Nothing.

None of us deserved to be victims of abuse. Our abusers didn't deserve to take advantage of us for their enjoyment/pleasure/whatever.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #128 on: June 15, 2018, 01:45:38 PM »
I guess somewhere inside I'm angry, from my words and tone in my previous post this is quite clear. Except, I can't feel that. I just feel sadness mixed with a unhealthy dose of nothingness.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #129 on: June 15, 2018, 02:58:16 PM »
Sceal,
Itís ok to be angry.  I still get angry at my abusers too.  Im glad you kept your previous post.  I think you make a valid point in it. That saying rubs me a bit the wrong way too.

San is right, you are accomplishing so much. Thanks for being you  :hug:   Thanks for helping me fight my demons last night too.
Much love,
Deep Blue
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #130 on: June 16, 2018, 02:39:08 PM »
sceal, i think it's an important step that you can recognize the anger that's pushing at those barriers even if you can't actually feel it yet.  small steps, sweetie, but they definitely all count.

that phrase, about deserving everything you want, can be tricky, to my mind.  i have said it myself, but to select people, people who i believe deserve everything they want.  i've never said it as a universal saying to include everyone who's ever lived.  i don't believe anyone deserves to feel good about themselves at the expense of another.

no, i believe instead that deserving what you want has boundaries around it.  being a good person, not taking advantage of others in a hurtful way, working to improve self - those kinds of people, yes, they deserve everything they want.  we all have the same choices to make in life, and those who make the choice to lead a good life, show kindness and caring (such as your example of the person being a good friend) - the little things, are what define what kind of person we are choosing to be.

i don't think we have to be some kind of saint or philanthropic celebrity to deserve having everything we want.  i think most of the people on this forum deserve everything they want.  i think you do, from what i know of you.  absolutely.  you are struggling daily with your issues, yet you find that support, caring, and kindness within you and give it to others here.  are you deserving?  definitely, in my book.

just my opinion.  disconnection from your body - that must be rough.  i don't feel that, so i don't exactly know what it's like, but i can't imagine it.   with all the work you're doing, your surgery coming up eventually, i'm hoping that can get resolved for you.  sending love and a hug full of resolution and re-connection.
learn something from everything.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #131 on: June 18, 2018, 01:40:33 PM »
Thank you Deep Blue, for letting me know I'm not alone. It helps!

I understand what you're saying, San. But the word deserve is so loaded and so ambigious and so filled with lies and promise for me all at the same time. I suppose it's a word that makes me easily go into an EF, although I'm not entirely certain why. I can guess, but it's not with certainty.

---

Today is a crappy day.
I wrote a to-do list of things I needed to get done today, and I got most of them done I think. Which is good. I intended to go to town and sit at a cafť to work, because working at home is incredible difficult for me these days. More often than not I just get insanely frustrated by the mess that never seems to clear up no matter how much I tidy every day. And me resigning into not really being good enough for anything - so I just end up watching TV. It sucks, because I used to not be the TV-person. But the last year... I've become the TV-person.

I've been talking to two very interessting people about personality typing the past week, and there's alot to learn. I learned that I am the kind of person who wants to know who I am, at the debth of things, which makes sense for me. But delving deep within is also costing me alot. And I'm curious, scared and worried that my c-PTSD or my PD is affecting my results in the personality typing. But I don't know these people well enough to ask, and I want to remain normal but quirky to them. Living in my country I'm spoiled where it comes to mental health, it's alot of talk about it in the medias and on the news. Healthy people, or rather undiagnosed people (because I'm certain some of them are denying their mental health),  doesn't always understand the various topics being discussed or how much it actually affects a person. But I think it is incredible important that the conversations are out there, in the public. And I think I'm fortunate to live in a country where this is on the public agenda, and on the political one. As I know there are so many other countries out there which doesn't have this as part of their health-priority, despite the thousands of research papers and hours put into it proving it's just as important as anything else regarding health.
It still difficult to make people understand I need to do things in MY speed though. And it's hard to explain, or defend myself when they get to know I'm on wellfare rather than working because I can appear fully functional in the short social setting I'm there with them.

Loads of thoughts and musings I didn't know I was carrying.
I should prepare for the interview tomorrow, but I've been thinking about it non-stop for almost two weeks now, and I think it's making it a mess in my head, and I can't make myself write it all down so it becomes coherent. I've discovered things about my works that's interessting. The less effort and the less intention I put into my works the more emotional they appear, the darker they get. (I'm talking about art now) I'm wondering if there's a part of me trying to communicate to me that I'm ignoring, much like I tend to ignore the body. And once I was thinking of this, it's now made it scary for me to start creating more.

Also: on the note of food stuff... I'm struggling. I keep eating unhealthy things. I had dessert 4 times last week. 4 times! That's usually more than I normally eat throughout the entire year. It's not good.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #132 on: June 18, 2018, 03:34:17 PM »
hey, sceal,

you seem to be whizzing around in your head pretty fast.  that's how it seems to me.  good luck with your interview tomorrow.  i hope it goes well.

interesting what you said about your work becoming more emotional, darker.  i think a lot of artists have different 'periods' where their work takes on different forms for a bit, depending on what's going thru their lives.  i think of frida, painting thru her pain, how those took on darker aspects.  or, picasso's blue period - very different from other periods.

our creativity often takes on dimensions of our personal lives, doesn't it.  i've written various types of articles, essays, poems, but they often took on different forms depending on how i was feeling, what was going on in my life.  how was the artist (forget his name) who painted 'the scream' feeling?  what was going thru his mind?  or michelangelo when he painted that fresco of souls being transported to hell, and one of them was his own.

i understand that it can be scary to dig deep into yourself.  and, maybe it's something to attempt with a t or other counselor on board.  maybe you want to stay away from it for now, or forever.  it's definitely up to you.   it's fascinating to me, tho, the role our psyche can play when it comes to our creativity.  for the record, i support whatever you feel is best for you with all this.

again, i see you moving forward.  talking about this, realizing your 'self' in all this.  i find it to be a very large step and i admire you for it.  love and a warm, caring hug, sweetie.
learn something from everything.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #133 on: June 20, 2018, 08:29:46 AM »


Therapy wasn't hard, but I have no fight in me.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2018, 08:39:07 AM by Sceal »

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #134 on: June 20, 2018, 08:39:51 AM »
i love you, my dear, no matter how you're feeling.  you are such a beautiful being.  i've been to the place you mentioned.  eventually i came back from it.  holding out a hand if you want it.  we're in this together.   love and a warm, caring hug filled with whatever you might need.
learn something from everything.