Sceal's new journal

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #165 on: July 05, 2018, 12:03:09 PM »
I find it hard to see that myself, Deep Blue. I think it's just my stubborness really, the innate one. The one that's part of me, the one that doesn't belong to the cptsd or pd monsters. I don't want them to win.

I am binge eating carbs this week. It's comfort eating. I'm not even hungry. I think it's more.. something to do, something to comfort me. Because something, deep inside, or someone is very deeply hurt. And no one can reach her, or it. Or whatever it is. So I do things I don't want to, because I can't stop it.

My m got dangerously close to the reason why I'm sick yesterday. All my alarmbells were ringing. My parents doesn't know. I've often wondered how it'd be if I told them. She asked me about if I've decided to do the operation yet or not. I told her it's still on hold until I'm cleared by the psychologist. I told her I need to be strong enough first, to handle the confirmation that I'm not good enough the way I am now. She on an offhand note said I'm too good at down-talking myself.  And I quickly changed the topic to the weather. I hate talking about the weather. But the way that conversation was going was far more dangerous to me.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #166 on: July 05, 2018, 11:32:15 PM »
It's taken me years to understand this. But I think I finally understand why I feel like * after listening to m badmouth others. I think it's because it sets me back into an EF about all the years that I was bullied at school, and more recently in the group I was part of where I had to listen to them badmouth other members who weren't present - and I could never tell if I was being badmouth when I was away. It's not that I think my mom is a bad person, but she has this ugly habit of judging others harshly. Fair enough I didn't grow up with my f's siblings, and she in a way did. Not as kids, but in early adulthood before I was born.  But it makes me angry, I think both on her for her behaviour but also towards myself because I'm not able to stand up to her and say it's enough now.

But since I don't have any connection to the emotions I have to read what I'm feeling by other actions. And that takes time. Tonight I had awful dreams which allowed me to be frustred with my m. Completely unrelated to anything happening in real life. That combined with my utter lack of energy and willpower - it seems plausible. Awful, but plausible.

The funeral is today. I don't want to go, not because it's a funeral - or because I disliked my uncle. I didn't. I don't want to go because I'm not yet ready to be around people. I don't want to talk to people, or be around people - anyone at all. I want to keep isolating myself from the world. But it's not possible.

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Hope67

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #167 on: July 06, 2018, 04:18:51 AM »
Hi Sceal,
I just wanted to wish you the best for today - as you mentioned the funeral, and I hope that you manage to cope - wishing you strength to get through today - maybe the saying 'this too will pass' will help - it helps me sometimes to think that.
 :hug: to you Sceal.
Hope  :)

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #168 on: July 06, 2018, 07:06:21 AM »
Thank you Hope.

I went down to the SA support centre before I went to the funeral. I got to gather my thoughts, and get out of my head for a bit. I had a chat with one of the women working there (as "my" Lady is away on vacation) about standing up against my m's negative comments about other people. She suggested I wear a mental raincoat and let the negative comments trickle off me. It'll require practice, but it's a nice mental image.

The funeral itself was nice. There was more people present than I expected. The music was nice and the church itself is beautiful. I got to see some of my extended family - whom I haven't seen for a few years, and it was nice to see them. There was no.. I don't know the word in english "after-gathering", after the service. I finally felt the sadness, for my uncle and for his closest family. I held back the tears, and I was so tense in my jaw and my shoulders. My heart reaches out to my family - and although I feel I do not belong within the family I told my cousin to let me know if she needed someone to talk to, at any time.
I hope she reaches out. I'll reach out again to her soon. It was incredible unexpected and she's deep in grief.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #169 on: July 07, 2018, 07:35:17 AM »
I'm still tired, physically and mentally. Probably emotionally too - although I can't quite feel that.
I'm trying to give myself some time and acceptance and kind words that I'm allowed to be tired. I've worked hard in therapy lately, I really do have. And I know I need to continue to work even harder if I want to progress and actually get away from this Monster, or have control over the Monster and get my life back rather than it controlling me. I'm dreading the hard work, well - no. Not really, I'm not dreading the hard work, I'm dreading the exhaustion that comes with it. The hoplessness I feel about not seeing the progress as I move along, about not knowing or understanding how far I have to walk (although, I think I should be grateful that I can't actually see how far it'll be). The lonelieness which comes with working with an invisible monster no one in my network knows about, and the loneliness that will come once I get through on the other side and figure out that I am a different person than the one I am today.  I am scared of these things. And I'm scared that I will never actually come through on the other side (please, don't try to tell me otherwise. This is my fear, and I don't want people to try and comfort me by saying "you will"- That to me, will make it so much worse).

Trigger Warning: Death and suicide

I've tried to analyze and work through my reactions to the funeral, but I've also discarded that being sad and torn and weary after a funeral is normal - even if I wasn't close to the person who died. I feel I should reach out and ask how they are doing today, but it seems silly when they aren't doing very well. They are grieving. I feel I should reach out and say something else instead. I just don't know what. I do beat myself up for being so worn out about this. My uncle was a kind and loving man, who had a lot of anxieties. And I wasn't close to my aunt or cousin either. But suicide is a different death than a heartattack or cancer. It brings up mental images, it gives me vivid and impossible strenous, anxiety filled dreams. And it of course touches on a side of me that I used to be. I used to be severely suicidal,  several times. And I still get the thoughts from time to time, I don't have any real inclination to do anything of the sort anymore. But I can feel the hoplessness that my uncle must have felt. It's so familiar.  I know it just too well, and it saddens me that he was so alone.
Trigger warning end

There were other thoughts I wanted to write down today, but it seems these took precedent.

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Blueberry

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #170 on: July 07, 2018, 10:54:00 AM »
Sceal, I think not knowing what to say, not finding the right words is fairly common after a funeral. For those of us who can't reach our feelings or feel them, it might be even harder, maybe? Then add suicide to the mix. It's a tough situation. So please give yourself a break - maybe some self-care?

I know that some people who are grieving would prefer not to hear others' thoughts on the situation. They'd rather hear something plain and simple e.g. I'm thinking of you but have no words. / Standing with you.   The kind of thing we write on here sometimes ;) 

You're certainly allowed to be tired. All your hard emotional work and then realisations about your M.  :hug: :hug:
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #171 on: July 10, 2018, 02:10:43 PM »
Thank you for the validation, support and hugs. It meant a lot to me when I read it 3 days ago. I've just not really been in a state to reply.

I'm mostly okay now. I get tired-spells and I sleep for about 10 hours every night. Which is nearly twice as much as usual for me. I tend to be between 5-7 hours the last few months. (Which is good to be me).

I don't do alot during the day. I mostly sit still.  But my head is active. Telling me to stop being so lazy. Just get up and do things. Go for walks, work out, don't eat crap, draw-draw-draw, work on therapy - analyze why I am motionless, analyze why I eat crap, analyze my fear of drawing. And it's on repeat, repeat, repeat. These demanding, judging, scared thoughts. Not understanding why I can't just -do- something. Be productive. Make progress.

I think this is a common pattern with me. Once something emotional happens that's out of my control (i.e my uncles suicide) and I don't know how to act or be or what my own ideals and values are. When my inner compass is spinning wild, I make it more chaotic by pressuring my self on other subjects such as art, exercise, work, therapy, studies etc.

It's avoidance.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #172 on: July 10, 2018, 04:53:17 PM »
my dear sweet sceal, i think these kinds of things are messy at best, especially when you have an emotional connection, such as your own battle with si.  perhaps you're in grieving mode and don't realize it.  i don't know for sure, but whenever i'm that messy, i've found that there's usually something like that going on for me.

it might not even be that you're grieving your uncle, but more that you're grieving the person you used to be - the one who was so gravely suicidal for a time.  you've passed thru that door, left that behind, but it is a change from what was, how you were looking at life, and this funeral may have triggered something regarding that change in yourself.

whatever, just some thoughts.  ignore them if they don't help. 

just know that my heart is with you as you go thru this.  perhaps some time on the porch might be helpful?  i could sit with you, listen to the sound of the waves, bring you a beverage, a blanket full of comfort and cozy, and just allow you to be until this passes.  sending love above all to you.
learn something from everything.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #173 on: July 10, 2018, 05:33:00 PM »
Sceal,
Iíll sit with you on the porch if you like too.  I have lost 6 people in my life to suicide.  I have cried once in 3 years.  I cried at one of those services.

I know you have trouble laughing and experiencing that emotion.  I have trouble with crying.  The tears just donít come.  I imagine we are similar in this way???

Sending you support in whatever form you need it sweetie.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2018, 06:41:59 PM by Deep Blue »
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #174 on: July 12, 2018, 12:15:41 PM »
perhaps you're in grieving mode and don't realize it.  i don't know for sure, but whenever i'm that messy, i've found that there's usually something like that going on for me.

it might not even be that you're grieving your uncle, but more that you're grieving the person you used to be - the one who was so gravely suicidal for a time.  you've passed thru that door, left that behind, but it is a change from what was, how you were looking at life, and this funeral may have triggered something regarding that change in yourself.

Thank you San, it's lovely to hear from you again. I'm not sure if I'm grieving me, or maybe I don't quite understand what you're trying to say.

Quote
just know that my heart is with you as you go thru this.  perhaps some time on the porch might be helpful?  i could sit with you, listen to the sound of the waves, bring you a beverage, a blanket full of comfort and cozy, and just allow you to be until this passes.  sending love above all to you.
That means alot to me, San. Thank you. I would love to sit with you both, you and Deep Blue.

I am so sorry to hear you've lost so many to suicide, Deep Blue. It's an awful, awful thing to experience. Both on the thoughts of the person who had no more hope, and for those remaining left behind.
I also have problems with crying, I cry watching movies, but not generally for myself. It happens, but it's more rare. So I understand where you're coming from in this aspect.


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I'm eating alot. Not abundantly, I'm not stuffing my face, but I'm choosing poorly and it's candy everyday in one form another. My head makes up excuses for why I should buy it or eat it. And sometimes I don't even realize what I'm eating until after I've eaten it and I see the wrapping paper. And then I feel disgusting, but it doesn't last. I think it's because I don't have a sense of my body right now. I am blind to it, until I see my reflection in the shopping window. Then I feel overwhelmingly shame. Yet I can't stop.
Another thing I've started doing is spending money. My internet broke down, then when that was fixed my computer broke down. I had to take it to the shop to get it looked at. And the young charming man behind the counter let me watch him as he worked on my pc, and we talked PC stuff. There was barely any other costumers, and it was a slow monday. But he fixed my problem - I had to buy two new parts. He checked them and installed it for me. And I didn't have to pay for the work he did for me, despite his poor fingers kept getting cut on my old cabinet. He was bleeding all over. But charming and cute, he laughed it away. And he cheered me up that day.
But I'm spending money otherwise too. I have a really low income.

And I can't help but wondering - what it is I'm trying to fill. There's a void that needs filling, but what does the void -really- need? The food and the spending of money doesn't even remotely help.


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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #175 on: July 13, 2018, 02:24:04 AM »
when i've been in grieving mode, those are the times i eat the most.  that's what i mean by being messy - we don't seem to be able to think or do or feel clearly.  it's messy, and we often revert to unhealthy behaviors as coping mechanisms to get us thru.  i hope you're not being too hard on yourself for your eating - it comes with the territory.  when you're feeling more stable, the money and eating will get back to where they belong. 

TRIGGER WARNING - TALK OF SUICIDE    *******

what i meant by grieving you, and maybe i didn't explain it very clearly, is that there used to be a version of you that was suicidal, thought about it a lot, maybe even attempted it.  as you wrote in your post, you're not in that same place anymore.  therefore, you have changed, have redefined yourself, and you're not the same as you once were.

that person, that suicidal sceal, doesn't exist anymore.  however, this uncle's suicide may have triggered you to somehow remember what it was like to think like he did, to be in that much pain, to feel so alone.   those realizations, and the fact that you could've been where he was, may have sent you into a grieving mode.  grieving for the sceal that is no more, the sceal who has pushed thru that part of her life and is where she is now - a different, more stable version of what she once was.

we've all made changes, we've all made progress, and in doing so we're not exactly the same people we were in the past.  we've lost a part of ourselves, a part that was once very important to us, even if it was life-threatening.  when i quit smoking, even tho i knew for years how unhealthy it was for me, i had to grieve it.  it was no longer a part of my life, part of my daily being. 

every time i saw someone smoking, i'd get triggered, cuz i was no longer where they were.  it still happens at times, and those are often the times i'll turn to food to distract myself from the craving, or the distress at the loss of what i once did so regularly.   that's what made me think that you might possibly be grieving your old, suicidal self in a way, being triggered by what happened with your uncle.

all these changes we're making, they're all a mix of endings and beginnings.  our endings, even tho it's an unhealthy thing that we're ending, are still losses.  and losses deserve to be grieved no matter how glad we are that they're now in the past.  they deserve to be acknowledged, we deserve to be acknowledged, for ending an unhealthy practice and beginning something more caring for and of ourselves.

anyway, i hope that explains it better.   it's the best i can do.  if it doesn't make sense,  just ignore it.  these are thoughts that wander thru my own mind to help me explain myself and my own behaviors.  if they don't fit for you, that's ok.    we're all different.

i used to have a lot of trouble crying for myself as well.  often, i didn't cry at all.  it's only been in the past year or so, after i'd been crying at the drop of a hat but without any true meaning for it that i've finally been able to figure some of it out.  now most times my crying has meaningful focus to it - i was even able to cry over the mr. dumping me.  i've been dumped many times, but this was the first time i actually cried about it.  it was a revelation.

so, i think that as you continue your progress - and i see a lot with you - you'll also be able to cry for yourself more and more often.  at any rate, i hope you can be gentle with yourself as you go thru this period of distress.  sending love and a gentle hug full of clarity for you.
learn something from everything.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #176 on: July 14, 2018, 02:11:32 AM »
I think I understand what you're saying San, and maybe you're right.
I sometimes think about who I was back then, and I know it was me - but it doesn't feel like it. I also sometimes feel like I'm not me these days either. Perhaps because I don't feel I have a very strong foundation to my identity.

I'm thinking less and less about my uncle though, and less and less about the pain and suffering he must have been in - and the recongnizeable part for me. I think that's good. But I'm sleeping more and more. I slept for 12 hours yesterday and today. My roomie had to help me to bed yesterday because I was so shattered. And when I fell asleep I was full of stressful and anxietyridden dreams.

I had an incredibly * day yesterday. I felt just plain awful. I couldn't put the words to it, or figure out what triggered it. I went out and had some fresh air, it was nice, but not helpful. And I went to the store because I knew we were lacking in some groceries. And while I was there I bought some raspberries.
They were sweet and sour at the same time, and they were magical. They lifted the spirits enough for me to manage cooking dinner.

Today I managed to go for a slow morning walk. My back and hip and neck were stiff with pain. So I walked down to the "beach" and sat and enjoyed the birds and the water before walking back home.
I am trying really hard to not listen to the voices telling me in a very judgemental way that I need to diet again. Or that I need to move more, that I need to excersise and hike more. At the same time I'm working really hard to not listen to the oposite voice saying that I need more carbs. it's Saturday after all, it's the week-end, now I can definitively enjoy myself with some crisps.
I feel powerless standing in-between these two oposing thoughts and it feels like I, me - Sceal, has very little to say with what I want. Because the Thoughts are overpowering me, it doesn't feel like they are my thoughts. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #177 on: July 14, 2018, 04:33:22 AM »
yeah, it makes a lot of sense.  to me, it sounds like you're in transition - not quite who you once were, but not yet who you want to be.  that would make sense to me why you don't feel like you have your own foundation yet - you're getting rid of the one that was given to you by others, but you're also in the process of creating your own.  you're just not quite there yet.

and, to my mind, that push-pull of voices would go along with that.  i can feel you fighting right now, and may i encourage you to keep on fighting.  that's tiring, all by itself.  no wonder you're sleeping a lot.  such a battle takes a lot of energy.

hang tough, sweetie.  i hate that you're going thru this distressing time.  i do believe it's part of the healing process, tho, so i hope you stay strong.  if not this time, then the next.  i don't want to add unrealistic expectations to your burden right now.  you'll do what you can as you are able, and that's definitely enough.

just keep taking care of yourself as best you can.  you're so worth it.  i walk down to the beach, too, at times, and it's a great atmosphere to just be with.  i love the sounds of the ocean.  sending love and a hug filled with strength, power, and energy - just as much as you need.
learn something from everything.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #178 on: July 15, 2018, 01:16:11 AM »
Maybe I am. But as long as I'm being so conflicted and drawn in so many directions at once I don't think I'll figure it out.
I was talking to a friend I've re-connected with, who means alot to me, yesterday. She wanted to know how I was doing, and I told her Im not doing so great and she actually wanted to listen. That's rare for me.
I was unable to tell her much about why I go to therapy, but I told her about being drawn in so many directions it feels as if I'm just standing still and failing at everything, because nothing is getting it's proper focus.
She said maybe I need to make a plan, a primary plan and then a secondary plan. I suggested to do so until Christmas - she thought it was short-term. And I suppose she's right, but for me - right now. Christmas is long-term.
I asked if she could help me, and she said yes.  So we'll see how that goes.

I would love to get rid of the feeling of guilt of not being good enough, not enough to do everything. There is enough hours in the day, so I should technically be able to. But I'm not. And it frustrates the hell out of me.

Trigger warning:
I keep having awful, awful dreams. The night before last I kept dreaming I had to move out, and I had to move to the Island of Dread (that's what I call it. It's a spesific Island real life where most of my abusers come from). And I had to move into this new place in a very secret way so that Mr. and Mrs. Dread wouldn't find out. And I was constantly on alert and hiding, and nervous and downright scared shitless. It was awful. I felt awful waking up.
Last night I dreamt about being stuck in a "relationship" with a man who R* me, demanded I stay naked and then would belt me. When he left the house I was forced to stay indoors, because the punishment would be near death if he found out I left without his permission. But someone came to visit, my Lady L, and she helped me get out of there. Called the movers and they came and I left within an hour, and had to find a new place to live. But then the dream started over again and I was back in that "relationship".

It's exhausting waking up. I don't feel like I'm having a good nights sleep. and I get tired again so easily during the day. I hope this doesn't continue, because then i'll end up not wanting to sleep. And I'll force myself not to sleep - and that is not going to be healthy for me.
Luckily both my Lady L and Lady T are back for a week next week. Before they both go back on holiday.

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Hope67

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Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #179 on: July 15, 2018, 03:57:17 AM »
Hi Sceal,
You brightened my day with your hug, in my Journal, and I've popped over to yours to offer a hug for you too  :hug:  I just read your last entry in your Journal and it's good that your friend actually listened to you and has agreed to help you make a plan - I really hope that helps, and that your friend will continue to be supportive in that way. 

Your dreams sound really tough to deal with - and you mentioned feeling exhausted - I really hope that you'll get a better night's sleep tonight - wishing that for you.

I saw a film the other day which had the theme of the film 'Groundhog' day - only the content of the dreams for the person dreaming were very unpleasant, but gradually she found a way out of the situation - and it made me think that maybe that can happen for us when we have bad dreams - I have had a lot of night terrors and bad dreams in the past, not so many recently - so I am feeling lucky currently not to have them, but I know how exhausting they can be.  I wish I could suggest something helpful to you, Sceal - but I don't really know what helps with them. 

I do know that when my night terrors and nightmares were at their worst, I was in a time of big transition - it was around the time I was becoming estranged from my FOO - and being out of that transition - they calmed quite a bit.  I agree with SanMagic that I think you're doing well and I would also like to wish you strength to get through this.

 :hug: to you, Sceal.
Hope  :)