Hi

[The Unluckiest Horseshoe]

hello,

I'm not quite sure where to begin.

I had/have two parents with personality disorders. My father, who passed quite a few years ago, was, I believe, an uNPD. My mother is and continues to be an undiagnosed BPD who displayed all four aspects but was a waif/queen most of the time. It's taken me decades to be able to sit here and type this without having a panic attack. (Go, me).

I was an only child for nearly a decade. I was completely at their mercy and, when they felt poorly, when they needed to feel better about themselves, they used abusing me to do it. I wasn't just The No Good Child. I was the blackest of the black sheep. I could do nothing to please them and, to me, abusing me seemed like a sport to them. Sometimes it felt as though they "fed" off each other's cruelty toward me.

I remember at about age five or six fantasizing that I was adopted and that my real parents, who desperately loved me and were looking for me would swoop in and save me. When I was an early teen, I frequently planned but never followed through with running away; I was too terrified of what they'd do to me if someone found me and brought me back to them. Approaching high school graduation, I was withdrawn, lonely, fearful of making lasting friendships with others, and had a difficult time trusting people. I also didn't date for fear my parents would subject my suitors to similar abuses. Then, after they realized I had feelings for someone--when a boy dared to call our house--they forbade me from dating which was, of course accompanied by massive amounts of abuse from them. It was then I began to have suicidal ideations for the first time.

I tried and failed to get other adults in my life to listen to or believe me when I told them I was being abused. Both parents were so charming and well liked, no one could fathom they'd do the things I described. And, to make matters worse, these same adults who I'd trusted to help me then went and told my parents I was "spinning yarns" which, as you can imagine, ended very poorly for me. After my second attempt, I didn't seek help anymore. In middle-school, someone saw and reported my bruises to the women's health teacher. When she questioned me, I lied about where they came from to protect myself.

What prompted me to come here was the fact that I had a repressed memory or, I guess the correct term is emotional flashback, last night of a deeply disturbing situation from when I was a small child. I'd only had a few of these in the past and, at the time, I think I just brushed it off. Being where I am in my mental-health journey, I was able to recognize this was definitely not something to doubt or brush off. I haven't unpacked what this memory means, that part is too difficult right now, but I intend to see if my therapist has a spot open this week and ask her for help with it.

Speaking of, I've been in therapy on and off for about a decade. I've made good strides this year. But it seems the further along my path to healing I go, the more I realize how completely not-normal my childhood was. I still have a very difficult time trusting anyone. Sometimes even my own spouse who I've been married to for over a decade. I had, and, to a lesser degree, still have trouble regulating my anger (or I just completely internalize and bury it) and displaying it in an appropriate way. That has caused damage to my relationship with my spouse and my kids.

I am incredibly thankful that I have not ever hit anyone. When I finally left home for good, going NC with my uBPD mother and, sadly, younger siblings who I couldn't support or take with me, I vowed never, ever do the things they did to me to my own children. If I was going to be a parent, my children wouldn't fear me. For a long time, I had a great deal of guilt about the two minor siblings I left behind. As of a couple of years ago, I was thankfully able to make peace with leaving them and let go of the guilt I felt.

In short, I don't feel whole or "well" despite the progress I've made. I can, however, see worth in the things I can do professionally and as a volunteer so that's something at least. I also just finished my Bachelor's degree which took me much longer than most people to accomplish. But most nights, despair and hopelessness keep me awake. During the day, I feel empty... or, at the very least, completely afraid to succeed. I'm unemployed, fearful that I can't hold down a job like "a normal person".

In closing, I came here in search of answers and ways to cope with these issues. To maybe find the missing pieces of me instead of slogging along, making due with just "what's left". Maybe even learning to find happiness or at least a way to combat or overcome my fear of being around (or hurt by) people.

[woodsgnome]

Hi, welcome to this place of understanding. We're here with and for you, as we share in the heartbreak felt in every word you shared.

You touch on so many of the grief points most of us feel, but the hardest to live with might be the loneliness that comes from the inability to fully trust again. That makes for a daunting task to live with any sense of safety and/or comfort. It's exhausting to feel this vulnerable and also be unable to explain this sort of pain to anyone who'd understand.

Congrats on your Bachelor's degree, and especially on the quality of life you've crafted for yourself and others in your shaky but steady path through recovery. My experience hints that this is ongoing, and some days are rougher while on others it's easier to see glimmers of light.

I've been in a very strong round of therapy as well in recent years, so what hit me hardest and spot-on were these words of yours: "...it seems the further along my path to healing I go, the more I realize how completely not-normal my childhood was." Indeed it's so hard to accept that, and yet we have no choice. EF's will come and go, but we have to live with the grief that seems to accompany our every step.

Welcome again--take good care of yourself and thanks for sharing. 

[Sceal]

Hello!
I just wanted to pop by and give you a warm welcome.
I hope this is a place where you get support through your path of healing.

[Blueberry]

Hello Horsehoe  and welcome to the forum!

on all the progress you've made so far on your healing journey. This is a pretty supportive place, I hope you find the support and information you need here.

[California Dreaming]

Welcome Unluckiest Horseshoe The name that you have chosen speaks volumes, many that I am familiar with. I don't feel that way as often as I used to though.

"I tried and failed to get other adults in my life to listen to or believe me when I told them I was being abused." This seems to be so common for us. I certainly believe you!

I am really glad that you reached out for support after your memory and the associated EF last night. "I was able to recognize this was definitely not something to doubt or brush off." To me, this is evidence of your healing process. It took me years to recognize when I am in a significantly triggered state.

As with woodsgnome, this stood out to me: "it seems the further along my path to healing I go, the more I realize how completely not-normal my childhood was. I still have a very difficult time trusting anyone." Again, it took me years to recognize the severity of my abuse and the consequences. I hope that you have developed a trusting relationship with your therapist. It took me 5 years to really trust mine. I trusted her mostly, but now I trust her enough to move much further along on my journey. I still have setbacks of course.

Regulating anger can be very difficult for us. Regulating emotions, in general, can be difficult for cptsd survivors.

Learning about the Jonah complex has helped me with the fear of success. It doesn't give me all of the answers but has given me some clues.

I have reached a point in my journey where the obvious is now in the light: it's people who traumatized me, so I am rightfully afraid of people. I am much more discerning of unsafe people than I used to be and less tolerant of them. I have learned to remove myself from them as quickly as possible.

Hopefully, we can help you to learn "ways to cope with these issues." Something else that has helped me is changing my language from "a way to combat or overcome," to transform. I used to use those same words and now think of them like melting butter in a frying pan. I think of transforming as melting butter in the warmth of sunshine.