Unexpected grief

[Sceal]

I got a little bit uncertain as to where this post should be, please move it if i chose the wrong section.

Yesterday I had a full day at a hospital 1.5hr drive away from town. It was an information day in regards to weight loss surgery. I'm still quite ashamed about it, but I don't have much of a choice anymore. First I got the news that, if it hadn't been for my trauma therapy I would have gotten the surgery now, before the summer. But my T thinks I need to wait, I can't do both at the same time. She's smart, and I did choose therapy over surgery - so in a way I guess I'm smart too. But there is a part of me who has been waiting for this surgery for a very long time, and it hurts that I can't just do it now and get it overwith. Start my new life, lose the weight so I can be less restricted..

But then another news came during the information day that was unexpected for me. Both the message and how deep it cut.
It is recommended that I do not get pregnant until at least 2 years after the surgery. I don't know when I'll actually get to take the surgery. I thought I had accepted a long time ago that children were not going to be a part of my life. Not children of my own anyway.  With my mental health I'm in no condition to care for a child as much as the child needs, not 24/7. I just aren't able to, and I don't want to neglect a baby/child because my own health can't deal. That wouldn't be fair. I know this. I believe this. I also am unable to have sex or intimacy. I can't date for this reason, so I'm alone. I am not ready, despite I hate the loneliness. The lack of sharing life with someone. But it wouldn't be fair to the man. So there are all good reasons as for why I shouldn't be a mother..
But having to wait for the surgery for until atleast next year... and then an additional 2 years... I'm cutting it extremely close to the biological clock.

I'm heartbroken. I don't know why I am. But I really am heartbroken that I will actually never be a mother. And I'm angry, I'm angry that everyone who caused me so much trauma that took away my life. Took away my dreams of my career, took away the chance of being loved properly and took away the chance to be a mom.

[Sceal]

I realized this should perhaps be moved at least to the adult section? Although the reasons why I got cPTSD is both in childhood and adult - this is more an adult grief.

I talked to my T, she phoned me back. It was soul crushing conversation. It left me hulking loudly on the floor afterwards. I was being bombarded with dog-kisses from two concerned and confused dogs. It helped just being allowed to lie down and cry, and to be comforted in a way by confused dogs who wanted cuddles and playtime.

I spent the rest of the afternoon reading webcomics - which helped me take my mind off of things. And each time I think about this topic I'm close to tears again. My body is aching, my soul is grieving.

[sanmagic7]

dear sweet sceal, how awful for you.  thank you for sharing - i think of you as extremely courageous, not only in talking about this, but in the choices you've made.  that surgery will come with its own set of issues, feelings, thoughts, emotions all in itself, so it does seem that you are smart in what you chose.  i agree with you.

the rest of it, the aftermath, well, it's an awful lot to wrap one's head around, isn't it.  so many issues to contend with.  dang, sweetie, i'm holding out my hand to take yours, let you know you're not alone.  i wish i could do more, but i hope you know i'm with you in spirit through all of it. 

not till next year?  i hate the waiting game.  i'm just glad you had your pups with you while you were in torment.  sometimes they can be saving graces.   sending love, gentle acceptance, and acknowledgment of your bravery for all of this.  it is so much.  i'm not surprised you found yourself on the floor, but neither am i surprised that you've picked yourself up again to write about it, let us support you as best we can.  you're a warrior.

[Blueberry]

I'm cutting it extremely close to the biological clock.

I'm heartbroken. I don't know why I am. But I really am heartbroken that I will actually never be a mother. And I'm angry, I'm angry that everyone who caused me so much trauma that took away my life. Took away my dreams of my career, took away the chance of being loved properly and took away the chance to be a mom.

That's what I felt like too when I realised I wouldn't heal fast enough psychologically before biology took its course. It hurt me badly and it made me so sad. So I understand  to you. I also join you in anger at the people who took so much of your potential away. I often feel similar. 

(I think your post is fine where it is because this all started in your childhood.) btw I put off fairly minor surgery at the recommendation of my doc till it was unavoidable, to let more emotional wounds heal. The physical healing took longer than it normally would've because of energy being diverted into emotional healing, so you're wise to be putting off surgery for a while, I think.

[Sceal]

  Thank you Blueberry. I am sorry you too had to go through this grief. My heart just breaks, for both of us. 

I hadn't thought about that aspect. That the healing might be slower due emotional healing takes its toll on the body too. I suppose that's another bonus I can put in the pro-list of waiting.

[DecimalRocket]

I care about you, Sceal.  

That is, even if I don't really understand, since whenever I fall in love, I fall out of love quickly by getting absorbed in my own solitary interests, and beyond that I don't bother much. But I've seen people grieve over this idea before, and much of them seem deeply heartbroken by the lost of the potential of a family. Lots of people seem to have this dream of settling down and finding peace in a family, so it must be terrible for you.

But I guess I relate to the loss of potential of dreams in life. Of being less emotionally and physically stronger. Of needing more time to recover than reach some kind of dream. Realizing that while it doesn't remove the possibility entirely, it's a big obstacle to being so deeply hurt by trauma everyday.

Lots of people told me I could change the world after they've seen how smart I am growing up. Unfortunately, there's a lot more to changing the world than just book smarts, you know? That's why I hang around on this forum to learn something beyond that. Not a fun realization.

Take care. 

[Sceal]

dear sweet sceal, how awful for you.  thank you for sharing - i think of you as extremely courageous, not only in talking about this, but in the choices you've made.  that surgery will come with its own set of issues, feelings, thoughts, emotions all in itself, so it does seem that you are smart in what you chose.  i agree with you.

the rest of it, the aftermath, well, it's an awful lot to wrap one's head around, isn't it.  so many issues to contend with.  dang, sweetie, i'm holding out my hand to take yours, let you know you're not alone.  i wish i could do more, but i hope you know i'm with you in spirit through all of it. 

not till next year?  i hate the waiting game.  i'm just glad you had your pups with you while you were in torment.  sometimes they can be saving graces.   sending love, gentle acceptance, and acknowledgment of your bravery for all of this.  it is so much.  i'm not surprised you found yourself on the floor, but neither am i surprised that you've picked yourself up again to write about it, let us support you as best we can.  you're a warrior.

Oh, San! I didn't see your post. I'm sorry i didn't reply sooner.
The surgery is a very invasive one. There's no undo button, and there are risks - like with any surgery. Though these ones can be difficult to live with. And it's the psychological aspect of it too. I'll no longer be able to overeat, comfort eat, or just have an extra slice. Social eating will be challenging.  But also, how will my mind and heart react to when I notice people treating me better and more differently when I carry less weight? - I think with a little bitterness and sadness.

I don't know if it'll be next year. It's just a guess estimate. Trauma therapy comes first. It has to. But my weight really affects my mind, my psychological health in a negative way. Deeply negative way. And I don't think I can fully heal until it changes as well as my emotions towads this body.

Thank you so much for the hand, I could need it so much right now. I really could. 

@Rocket, Thank you. I care about you too.
Although I don't quite follow your comparisons, but I apprechiate you trying to understand.

[Sceal]

I tried to bring my grief about this with both my T and my SA lady, and I felt like it was something they didn't want to talk about.
But I could have needed a supportive person.
So now I feel like I am not supposed to be sad about this.
As much as I want to escape all triggers and jump into a protective bubble - I am forced to stay outside and watch and listen about kids and such without being able to get an out.
I still feel alone in this.

[Blueberry]

  Sitting with you. Both about the original topic and having the impression Ts don't understand or don't want to talk about something. (    - it's your therapy after all, not theirs!)

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
Can I just send you a soft  ?  You are allowed to have grief about this.  Sometimes we mourn what we have not had, and that's ok.  I wish you would have at least been given the chance to be heard.  We hear you and we are listening 

[Sceal]

Thank you guys, it means alot to me that you are here with me and listening. 

[Contessa]

I emathise with the sadness and anger Sceal. Most definitely. I've felt the same as you.
Sending you strength to get through what needs to be done to aid your comfort, and no matter when the surgery happens, you have made the right decisions for you.

[Sceal]

Thank you, Contessa.
I am sorry to hear you've gone through the same emotions, I wish this upon no-one.
I read your comment early this morning, before I left the house. And I think it helped me face the day today.