This is rough.

[Rdphish73]

Hey all,

This is my first post here ever.  I'm a 44 year old guy who suffered many years of incest and physical abuse at the hands of an evil stepfather.  Its nice to find a forum that specializes in Complex Trauma.  PTSD is all the "rage" these days, but for those of us who have legitimate C-PTSD...the battle is likely MUCH harder.

Anyway....I'm wondering what some of you out there are doing to try to bring yourself out of a dissociative "episode"?  How long do yours last?  For me I can have one of these episodes last from hours to several days!  Currently I'm trying to use any grounding techniques I can.  Thanks for any info you all can provide!!!! 

Keep on keeping' on my fellow warriors.

~Ralph

[Hope67]

Hi Ralph,
Welcome to the forum, and I'm glad you've been able to make your very first post here - I remember when I did my own, it took me a while.

I'm not sure what to say about coping with dissociative episodes, as I have them very frequently - and have done throughout my life - and a lot of the time I don't know what has triggered them - but like you, I've tried various 'grounding techniques' to help - and also reminding myself that I'm 'safe' in the here and now, and that does seem to help.

The length of mine also varies a lot - can be a few minutes, up to some hours - and I still don't really know whether I am in an emotional flashback, or a dissociated state - I think I have fragmented and wounded parts of myself - that have taken on different personas, and so I'm possibly further along the dissociative spectrum - but not to the point of having a dissociated identity syndrome - I've never approached anyone in a professional capacity to seek a diagnosis, I have purely looked at online and self-help literature, and also this forum, so I don't really know what I'm talking about - but what I have read makes sense, and I really think the people in this forum 'get it' in terms of CPTSD

Anyway, I hope you will find this forum helpful too.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hi Rdphish,
welcome to the forum

I'm similar to you in that I try to use grounding techniques to get out of the dissociative started.  Mine have lasted hours to several days as well.  I am in a different boat than Hope because it is usually a big trigger that will cause them.  My nightmares seem to come out of nowhere but not that depersonalized state.

I don't really know how to get out of dissociative states unfortunately.  What I have learned is that self care is very important during them. 

[Rainagain]

Hi Ralph,

Welcome to the forum, its great you have found your way here and I hope being here helps your recovery.

I have confusion over my dissociation, my psych wants to rule out epilepsy as I have lost time episodes and other stuff.

I think its a symptom and is best dealt with by working on the emotional stuff that produces the symptom. So I ignore the symptoms and try to work on the basics, keeping calm, avoiding dangerous situations, preventing further harm from others.

It seems to help, as I don't know I have the dissociative episodes its tricky to tell but I believe they are less common than before.

I also have what I call 'acting out' and that is slowly reducing over time too.

Its slow, but any progress is great.

One point, this site is totally open, keep your personal details protected when posting, that helps me to be fully open with the people here and get the most out of the forum. Welcome aboard!

[Rowan]

 

It's not easy, is it.!   

For me, the dissociation can last from minutes, to hours in a visual /environment sense (derealisation so I get distorted sizes of things, colours become accentuated, noise becomes a problem), and grounding can help with that - of course once I've recognised that my world is a little out of shape  .
It has been ongoing for many decades in the sense that I feel like I'm not in control and I am a thinking head in a fog of numbness, when I'm feeling 'ok', (depersonalisation), and completely overwhelmed by everything when I am not ok (happened twice in the last 25 years!), probably my inner child gets put up front, and everything is too much to deal with all at once. The only way that I can stop feeling like this for a short period of time is through maladaptive coping strategies that I need to unlearn.

I've been aware that I am fragments, and have been for such a long time, and my responses in certain situations are very different in differing circumstances (eg a work persona, a club persona, a home persona, a social persona and many more) - although I have not been diagnosed with DID, I would not be surprised if it ended up that way, as one of these persona's is very definitely female (and she's high on the care/support/nurture side of life) - but they are not (as far as I know) complete personalities, and there is a fair amount of sharing going on, I do get memory lapses, that are normally partly resolved by 'don't you remember you did/said...' which is generally enough to trigger its slow return (or is it relay, who knows).

My therapy journey (!!) so far in 6 months has progressed to self compassion and attempting to instill some self esteem. It's helping that I'm not feeling painfully raw, the downside is that is at the high price of disconnection....

We do understand- only by reaching out will we find others who can relate and support on this journey.


Rowan

[ah]

Hi Ralph, welcome 

I've only recently been realizing, to my discomfort, that I'm dissociating my life away most of the time. I'd say I'm grounded and present maybe 10% of the time. I guess my whole life is a dissociative episode 
I spend 90% of my time either successfully distanced from myself or trying hard to distance myself from my self with anything that will work. Being me is painful, a lot of my energy is spent getting away.

So I'm not sure there's a time span on dissociation in my experience. I'd have to say I've been dissociated since I was born, sometimes it's stronger, other times lighter.

For me mindfulness meditation is the most helpful thing, as a preventative measure. I guess it helps because it strengthens my ability to bear my feelings.
But it doesn't work instantly, there's a latent period for me. The first 5-15 minutes are always rough because my initial instinct is to run away. If I can sit and wait with myself though, my anxiety level drops dramatically after and then it's amazingly grounding. Feels like I'm rewiring my brain.
It does require daily effort and sometimes I can't do it. Haven't been able to do it in a long time now, and I can feel the difference.

I wonder what dissociating feels like to you. To me it's always related to really strong anxiety. Sometimes I'm not aware of it because I'm so used to it, but it's there. Is it this way for you too? Do you know you're dissociated while it's going on?
Sometimes I feel almost physically paralyzed, it's like an extreme case of freeze response. Can't speak, can't move. Too tired to act or decide anything. And if the trigger continues I dissociate stronger and I might just totally zone out.

Coming back when it's that bad is tricky because it's physical. Are you living in a safe place, where you feel you can relax a bit, not too noisy 'etc.? If not, getting dissociation under control may be more tricky, in my experience. It's a survival mechanism, after all. So the basics always seem to come first: physical safety if possible possible, and reading about trauma and the brain helps me understand what my body is doing.
One book I keep returning to is "The body keeps the score" about trauma and the brain. It mentions things that help, I remember yoga being mentioned among other things if you like it.

High on top of my list of things I Might Try to Do If I Had The Courage are also self love, self compassion, self care... I bet they help others. Sometimes I can do loving kindness meditation for others.

[LittleBoat]

I am assuming that what has happened to me since I was a very little girl is dissociation.  My parents would often get into violent and loud physical fights downstairs directly under my bedroom after I went to bed.  My father was physically violent and my mother was verbally vicious.  During these fights, I remember rising out of my body, floating above the bed.  This went on for years.  I've read some other threads under dissociation, and I can relate to having different "sides."  I have been quite successful professionally over the years, and have always been adventurous with traveling and also performing in front of large audiences.  Yet, when I look back, it sort of feels that I often wasn't always totally "attached" to myself, even while doing more daring and fun things.  And because I was also emotionally abused and neglected, I am extremely triggerable, and small slights that others might shrug off can literally fell me.  I am unable to regulate my sense of what is dangerous and what isn't.  I lose trust quickly and can easily feel some sort of primal abandonment.  This leads to days, weeks, of what I am assuming is dissociation.  I am currently *trying* to work my way through research on C-PTSD and affirmations / coping mechanisms specific to C-PTSD, but once I "float away," I'm pretty much not operable, can't focus or concentrate, and just, well, sleep a lot, as flashbacks and a nasty inner critic also creep in during these periods.  Do my descriptions of what I'm assuming is dissociation ring a bell with folks?  Thanks, LittleBoat

[woodsgnome]

What you describe, Little Boat, is almost definitely a form of dissociation as I understand it. I can relate pretty accurately to your depictions of how disoriented this can make one feel.

Similar to what you've shared, sometimes I feel like my entire life consists of one big episode of dissociation. I call it my iceberg or balloon existence; where I feel as if I'm in a separate zone from what's happening both inside and out. This sense has dominated most of my life, starting as a child when I'd go into a trance-like state when things got really crazy and overwhelming.

It helped when my current therapist explained that dissociation is a perfectly natural defensive reaction to childhood traumas and can flare up at any point. That at least finally took a lot of my self-loathing off the table, much to the chagrin of my inner critic.

The trick still seems to be how not to fall so deep into dissociation that the frustration of getting out instead intensifies the sense of isolation. It's still weird, feeling almost blanked out while somehow functioning in a world that seems so forbidding. 

I also was a performer (improv acting) and this feeling (or non-feeling) often washed over me, even in the middle of a very successful presentation. In my kinder self-compassionate moments I realize that perhaps dissociation even helped me; as while performing I needed to dissociate a bit to build more 'realism' (ironically).

But in the end it still confused me--was I the act, the actor, or...just this little boy trying to live out of his own shame and self-hatred? It was hard to balance it all out, and it seems I'm afraid to really know, as a big part of what's called dissociation can perhaps pass as avoidance and/or alienation from everything. In that sense it feels that my whole life has been one of dissociation.

As my therapist noted, yes it is normal. But it still creates a nagging sense of discomfort.







 

[LittleBoat]

Woodsgnome, Thank you for your quick and caring answer to my question.  I am sorry you've experienced this phenomenon so much throughout your life.  I think, for me, performing and getting applause was a way to break through the trauma bubble.  I needed that heightened,extreme level of positive input to think I was "okay."  That you have done improv is extremely impressive.  I have heard comedians say how frightening it is to get in front of folks who they fear won't laugh or who leave or who heckle them.   It's like you're entering the very center of your confrontation with abandonment issues.  Wow. 

I thank everyone who have shared in this thread.  Thanks, Ralph, for jumping in.  This is a very supportive and informative place, and it has helped me a great deal, even though I'm quite new here.  --LittleBoat