Just so confused

Started by Eyessoblue, May 04, 2018, 09:17:13 PM

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Eyessoblue

Hi, I know I've spoken on here loads about my narcissistic husband and me and what I'm doing with my life but I'm really confused.

Things were really bad the last year and deep down I knew I had to leave and find a life for myself. I felt I was 'trapped ' into going on a holiday with him in April but decided to use that time to work on what I really needed to do and to give myself time.

Well, on holiday we got on reasonably well, he chilled out let go of the stress and relaxed something he can't do at home. We talked and I told him how I felt, of course he told me I'd imagined it and that possibly none of what I said had happened.

I observed him closely on holiday and realised how needy and worthless he feels, always trying to impress people but not getting the feedback he wants then angry at me because of this. I try and understand and talk to him about it, but again it's all in my head, I'm crazy I'm imagining it etc etc.
We've been back 2 weeks now, had a good first week back, but now he's settled back into work he's gone back into his nasty stressful self, we are all walking on eggshells at home waiting for the next outburst from him.
I just do t know what to do, do I put up with a 2 week holiday every year when he's reasonably nice but put up with all the crap in between, do I get out now why I can, do I try and help him??? I've suggested counselling for him but absolutely there's nothing wrong with him and I need all the counselling etc in his opinion, so where do I go with it all, does a narcissist ever see where he is in life? I've printed off narcissistic articles, just wanting him to read on how I perceive him, they get chucked in the bin, but again if he did read it he'd tell me it's me not him!!!
Really don't know what to do, I love him but I don't like him- at all, how do I move on, with him, without him, I'm very confused st the moment. Been together 30 years but just not sure if I can do this anymore with him.

Hope67

Hi Eyessoblue,
I really feel for your situation, and I can hear your sense of confusion - which is understandable - you've been with your husband for over 30 years, that's a long time, and you have tried to talk to him, and communicate with him.  But it sounds like he's not listening to you - or at least, he doesn't think he has a problem, and it doesn't sound fair that he's putting it all onto you.

I don't know what to say beyond that, but I know that when I have a big decision that I want to consider, that I sometimes put some columns on a paper, and put all the possible scenarios, and then I put a 'for' and 'against' - or alternatively 'advantages' and 'disadvantages' and then try to consider both sides of any situation - and then I tend to put a rating next to each one from 1 to 10 of how much it affects me, or how much I believe it, or how much it matters to me, and then I add up the totals, and that can often let me know what my over-whelming feeling is at the end of it.

I realise that probably sounds quite a complicated system, but that's probably because I've not described it too well - but it helps me, and maybe it might help you? 

Just wanted to send you a hug, Eyessoblue, and I hope you will be able to get to a point where you are able to make decisions that feel right for you - whatever those end up being.  Wishing you strength.

Hope  :)

California Dreaming

Hi Eyessoblue :) I very much can relate to being told that you are the crazy one. My mom drilled that into me at a young age. When I married, and for the next 25 years, I was the crazy one. My ex-wife is not a narcissist, but she managed to perpetuate a deeply damaging message. For the last 5 years of our marriage, I would tell her that I felt so lonely in our marriage. I did not consciously get out of the marriage. I had an affair that lead to our divorce. If I could do it over again, I would have left the marriage consciously. At the time of our divorce, I didn't even "know" that I had been abused. Two years later I was diagnosed with cptsd secondary to repeated relationship trauma. That was 7 years ago.

After time and a great deal of inner work, I no longer believe that I am crazy. I was severely abused starting at a very young age, so it makes sense that I behaved the way that I did. I have changed the way that I view myself and the way that I behave. Thankfully, I am writing a new narrative.

I don't see how any of us can heal if we are regularly being told that we are crazy. That message provides so much fuel for our inner critic. How can someone "shrink" their inner critic while being retraumatized regularly?

I am not attempting to give advice, simply sharing my experience and thoughts about them. I can totally understand why you feel confused.

Rainagain

Eyessoblue,
It sounds so much to me like your husband is taking out the anger he feels for his own inadequacy out on you.

That is very unhealthy for both of you.

I don't know about narcissism, he sounds more like an unhappy person lashing out at those around him.

Just my guess from what you have said.