Here It Comes! Mother's Day

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numann

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Re: Here It Comes! Mother's Day
« Reply #15 on: May 10, 2018, 07:49:47 PM »
Thanks Kizzie for your kind words. It wasn't until I began my current job at 21 and heard co workers ( mothers) speak lovingly of their sons that I began to realize that my FOO experiences weren't normal and that I needed to reappraise my whole life. But one positive is that I was determined to provide my children, if I were blessed, with a fair and balanced upbringing despite any obstacles put in my way, and to not repeat the dysfunction of my FOO. I just wanted to say it feels strange to confide in others who can totally understand and empathize with my experiences when I've had to rely only on myself for healing. Thanks to everyone!

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Kizzie

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Re: Here It Comes! Mother's Day
« Reply #16 on: May 13, 2018, 06:27:45 AM »
Well I was overly optimistic about this year it seems. There's a lot of flooding in the province where we live and my H works for the govt Emergency Services.  He was called to the main office and has to leave today until Thurs. So much for Mother's Day.  I'm having a bit of an EF, didn't sleep at all last night  just dreading what may be coming our way. He ended up being away for three months last year when the flooding was followed by wild fires.  It was completely unexpected as there's never been floods and fires like that here before and the dept was ill prepared for how long it would go on and how much coord it would take.   

By the end everyone in the department and their families were worn down by the stress.  I am hoping it does not roll out that way this year but all my systems are on high alert.  I am reactive because last year felt like being back in my chaotic family, never knowing what one day or the next will bring and feeling trapped in a high stress situation I couldn't get away from.   When my H was in the military we knew in advance when our he would be deployed, for exactly how long and there was a lot of support available before during and after so while i found it hard like most families do, I coped much better.   

Hopefully  senior management will be able to get their proverbial you-know-what together during these meetings  but I am not holding my breath.  It's three days of meetings during flooding versus before it occurs which is poor planning to say the least.  My H tried to get them to plan ahead but to no avail - lone voice in the wilderness.  I really do hate that I do not have a choice when people do things like this for no good reason - laziness, short-sightedness, incompetence?  I want to stomp into my H's boss's office and have a word or two or fifty, but of course I can't, just like I couldn't say anything in my family and that still sends me into a deep dark anger over all of us having to suffer needlessly.   

So a real hot button issue which isn't helped by the fact that it is Mother's Day.  I feel like :pissed:  and  :'(  at the same time.     

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion - Dalai Lama

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LittleBoat

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Re: Here It Comes! Mother's Day
« Reply #17 on: May 13, 2018, 09:16:02 AM »
Kizzie, Thank you for this thread, for helping me with technical glitches in  order to get me here in time for Mothers Day.  But also, thank you for your honesty about where you're at emotionally, modeling for us how to keep up with our own changing moods, anywhere from hopefulness to trepidation.  CPTSD is unpredictable and always comes out of left field.  We can be sideswiped by it, and if we are lucky, we can grow some resilience and learn some coping skills.  But if we are not so lucky on any particular day, we need to acknowledge that, too.   My bipolar is pretty overpowering today, and that is entwined with my CPTSD.   The shadow of my mother and my FOO is coloring things.  I am imagining my siblings and their families visiting my mother, with whom I'm NC, and how they're listening to her sound all sad and distressed that I'm staying away from her, agreeing with her that I'm a terrible daughter and an ungrateful family member.  This scenario might or might not be true.  But I will say this:  the sun is out, and I am in bed, with my blinds drawn.  It's as if I'm gaslighting myself!

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Blueberry

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Re: Here It Comes! Mother's Day
« Reply #18 on: May 13, 2018, 10:19:56 AM »
My H tried to get them to plan ahead but to no avail - lone voice in the wilderness.  I really do hate that I do not have a choice when people do things like this for no good reason - laziness, short-sightedness, incompetence?  I want to stomp into my H's boss's office and have a word or two or fifty, but of course I can't, just like I couldn't say anything in my family and that still sends me into a deep dark anger over all of us having to suffer needlessly.   

I can imagine that could all be pretty triggering.  :hug: :hug:  :bighug:

« Last Edit: May 13, 2018, 01:36:05 PM by Blueberry »
Should is
never good,
for me.

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alliematt

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Re: Here It Comes! Mother's Day
« Reply #19 on: May 13, 2018, 02:29:34 PM »
I wondered how many of us had a toxic, unhealthy, and otherwise complicated relationship with their mothers. 

My mother wasn't guilty of egregious abuse or neglect.  I'm trying to come to terms with mistakes she made and also come to terms with the fact that she wasn't a perfect mom.  This is my first Mother's Day without her.  I don't really feel sad in the sense of, I want to cry; it's more hollow, like, there's definitely a sense of loss. 

Allie

"900 years of time and space and I've never met anyone yet who wasn't important." -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"

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Kizzie

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Re: Here It Comes! Mother's Day
« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2018, 01:18:46 PM »
There is a hollow feeling I've found too Allie, for me a hole that I'm not sure will ever be filled and that's a hard thing to accept.

I've been watching a show called Long Lost Family about adopted children who reunite with their birth parent(s), sometimes after decades.  They always talk about this hole in the heart that was always there despite many of them having great adoptive families and a good life.  It's almost universal that when they finally meet their parent(s) they say something like "That hole is gone now." and likewise the parent(s). 

We don't get to fill that hole unless our families turn around at some point or we find parent figures in other people and/or re-parent ourselves as Pete Walker suggests. Even then I think there is always a sense of loss, abandonment and grief.  With mine there is little chance of them turning around due to NPD and that has been really difficult to accept. I wish we could all have that beautiful moment of resolution like the adopted children on the show, but unfortunately it's not to be for the majority of us.  We have to live with that hole as best as we can, fill it with as much else positive as we can I guess.   :Idunno:   It's just tough.

I've always felt some guilt over feeling sad and abandoned when I have a great H and S, but after watching the show I realize how much parents mean, how intense the longing for that bond is.  I'm not going to beat myself up any more.  :no:
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion - Dalai Lama