back to the start,

[karbon]

I play this game.

I don't know I play it. There's no winners.

I like to wait out my mother, see how long it takes her to wonder how I am doing. Sometimes it's a handful of days, a passing of a few weeks, as long as two months once. I could call her. That would make the most sense. I'm the one who's noticing her absence, who want's to talk. I should make the call. But I don't. I'd rather keep a track of days, almost in survival mode (Look! YOU only called me twice in the past three months! I didn't need you!).

To clarify - I don't like this game. I hate this game. It's worse than being dragged into a three hour Monopoly game with your brother who cheats because he called being the bank.

The last therapy session I had, my therapist suggested I work out a day with my mother once a week, where we'd agree to call each other. I was horrified by the idea. Every inch of me rebelled and instant protection and defiance wrapped around me "No. I don't think so." and placed up my roadblock.

It's really tough, against all my instinct. I try not to play this game anymore. With every painful memory of emotional neglect and disappointment, I shuffle through the deck in my head, try to pull out a sweet one, something to leave me with a gentle reminder that nothing was done intentionally. I wish that made it better. I wish knowing good intentions or at least neutral intentions took away the exhausting years of developing am ambient attachment.

I was doing really well for a few weeks. I read Journey through Trauma and I built up my basecamp. I worked the change triangle out of It's Not Always Depression and I really felt prepared for the annual visit when my FOO visited - just the girls, a fun 'girl's weekend'. Seven days here, and I was unmade. My security fell apart. By the time they left, it felt like I had been unwillingly dragged back into the trenches. This endless loop of re-trigger after re-trigger is maddening and exhausting.

I started playing the game again, and I don't know how to quit. All I do know, is that I lose.

[Libby183]

Hi, Karbon.

The game you describe feels very, very familiar to me. Like you, I could never win. My nm would rarely call me, and would never call if we had had a disagreement.  Our game was that we counted the days, weeks, months like you describe,  then I gave in and she was confirmed as victor.

Eventually,  I realised what a horrible game this was and didn't call. Six years on, and I still haven't called.  My enabling father last called about two years ago. I have stopped playing and I suppose they have too. We have all lost,  but I strongly suspect that my parents see it as a win for them.

Like you, I crashed so low that I couldn't play any more. No contact (silent treatment,  in their view) was the only thing that saved me.

I hope you can find a solution that works for you. It's a horrible game, and so pointless.

Take care

Libby.