The more things change; tired of fooling myself

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Slim

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #15 on: May 15, 2018, 02:51:00 AM »
Hi
My therapist says the self hate (or the Abusive self as he puts it) was pushed on to me (and you). He points out that, I never went shopping for self hate, I did not choose to practice it, to get good at it. I never bought a book on it. I never sought out a teacher to encourage me to self hate.

My self hate, is not a reflection of me or my values. It was forced on me by horrible people. It is not my fault.

SLim
“The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.” —Linus Pauling

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #16 on: May 15, 2018, 02:54:59 AM »
Thank you slim
I have definitely become more aware of self hate lately ..
What do u find helps you ?
look to this day for it is life - the very life of life
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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #17 on: May 15, 2018, 02:58:09 AM »
Hi kizzie
I hear you hopelessness and it’s companion fatigue.. the thinking can get so stuck in a corner and i start to believe it has truth. Self compassion is such a beautiful tool ..
Sending you blessings .. finding the way to turn the corner with a soft heart
look to this day for it is life - the very life of life
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Slim

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #18 on: May 15, 2018, 09:09:49 AM »
Hi Boatsetsailrose
It's early days....just being able to see this abusiveself/fierceInnerCritic/selfhate as separate from me is a huge step forward. Although it is very powerful, and I am able to reassure myself that I did not invite it into my mind. I remind myself that I am not a bad person for having these selfhate thoughts. They should not be inside me, making all this trouble.
Slim
“The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.” —Linus Pauling

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Kizzie

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #19 on: May 15, 2018, 11:04:45 AM »
I was thinking a lot last night about why I have slipped back into that hopelessness, fatigue, and also a louder Inner and Outer Critic. I asked myself that hard question we're talking about in this thread - 'Does this mean I am not recovering?"

What I came up with in the end was simply "No."  I have well worn trauma paths that did calm when I was able to reduce stress (going LC/NC with family who have NPD), working on becoming more self-compassionate and caring, and so on.  However, when the stress mounted which it did for me last year in spades, it re-ignited those pathways and I began to struggle again. How I have been feeling has everything to do with too many triggers and stresses that fired up old behaviours and emotions, a normal reaction for someone with CPTSD rather than not having recovered. 

As an example, I had a new knee put in in Dec and have been recovering nicely. However, if I overdo things - walk too much or whatever, the pain still ramps up. My knee, although better, is simply not healed yet and the pain reminds me of that and 'encourages' me to take it easier.  I am impatient, but I do not blame or shame myself because I understand it is a normal physical process that requires time and care.

I guess what I'm saying is that I understand how disheartening it is to feel like recovery from CPTSD is a pipe dream, I go there too.  If I am being fair to myself though, I do see that I have achieved a degree of recovery.  However, when stress mounts beyond a certain point I will likely feel pain again (and I have), not because I am broken (and sometimes it does feel that way), but because I am injured and it takes time and care to heal, just like my knee. 

 :hug:
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion - Dalai Lama

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sanmagic7

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2018, 01:26:46 PM »
well said, kizzie.

too many triggers and stressors is key in this, i believe.  when they overwhelm us, it's just hard to get out from under them, and, as you said, those old pathways reignite, including those old harmful messages. 

but i agree, it doesn't mean we're not recovering, not making progress.  like slim said, we didn't look for self-hate in order to wallow in it - it was thrust upon us when we were too young to understand or fend it off.

as long as we keep moving, even if it seems to be sideways, i think we're still making progress.  love and hugs to all.
learn something from everything.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #21 on: May 15, 2018, 01:32:10 PM »
Really helpful posts thank you
look to this day for it is life - the very life of life
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ah

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #22 on: May 16, 2018, 12:29:39 PM »
I keep thinking about realistic hope, and what you wrote Kizzie about how we learned to respond to stress. I just caught myself being hurt badly by others again, then I went through a period of self hatred that was replaced by renewed hope in ... all sorts of wonders that don't and won't exist. I caught myself wildly imagining reaching out and being rescued :blahblahblah:
I guess for me, letting go of that type of hope would be a relief. The intense roller coaster of hopelessness combined with exaggerated hope is pointless and tiring. Maybe feeling pain makes sense, but dreaming doesn't. Maybe if we could let the dream go and just stay with the pain and betrayal without being in a hurry to move them out of the way with a solution, there may be real hope (for some), and there would be more energy for real, small, down to earth hope?

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woodsgnome

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #23 on: May 16, 2018, 12:51:25 PM »
Ah wrote: "Maybe if we could let the dream go and just stay with the pain and betrayal without being in a hurry to move them out of the way with a solution, there may be real hope (for some), and there would be more energy for real, small, down to earth hope?"

Dreams have their place, but by their very ephemeral nature resist being captured and matched to the reality we live in on the surface. I've grasped eagerly at many of mine, the hopes dancing only to be crushed. Still, some dreams do seem towards a smattering of something like hope, but more along lines of those small, nearly invisible steps.

So in the nature of a dream the longed-for solution usually doesn't happen and we seem to either cave or plod on. Has fatigue been mentioned yet?

One other little thing, though; sometimes at the point of giving up I've been surprised by something else that at least relieved some distress, even if it was just a tiny seemingly insignificant step in the overall scope of things. As someone reminded me the other day, we all deserve to dance, even in the rain.

"...we make our descent into the darkness then wait for some new kind of wisdom to take root." --Valerie Andrews

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Rainagain

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #24 on: May 16, 2018, 04:46:38 PM »
Ah, Woodsgnome.

You guys rock.

Message ends.
Everything will be alright in the end.

If things aren't alright then it isn't the end.

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radical

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #25 on: May 16, 2018, 07:43:39 PM »
You are wonderful, Woodsgnome.

I so wish you knew it, right down to your toes.
All we have here is words and they are so inadequate.  I want you to be as kind to yourself as you deserve.  I know about plodding on, and about the exhaustion of being in pain.

Maybe if we can allow ourselves to dance in the rain, we can find in ourselves the permission we need for so much more than relief from despair. I want much more for us all, and for you, than that.

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sanmagic7

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Re: The more things change; tired of fooling myself
« Reply #26 on: May 17, 2018, 04:45:15 PM »
ditto everyone here, wg. 

yeah, i agree that keeping those dreams a bit more realistic may be helpful.  impossible dreams, like impossible expectations, sure can take a toll.  has fatigue been mentioned?  no fricking kidding.

learn something from everything.