Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi Libby - wanted to go back to what you said in your reply - which I appreciated - when you said about noticing how you changed after being with your MIL (who was cold and invalidating) and then went into housework overdrive the next day - as if a different part/drive had taken over - I relate to that for definite - it's so hurtful when there is coldness or invalidation - and maybe some people can brush it off, but for the majority of people - or at least those who are more sensitive, it really can hurt.  I am trying to get more balance and ensure that I don't overdo things - but it is tough.  I know you are also going through a tougher time - and I am thinking of you.    Libby. 

Hi Deep Blue - I hope you're ok, and thank you for what you said.   

Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much for sharing your experiences from the docs and what the doc said about heat exhaustion - it makes sense to me - and it has been sooooo hot - I have definitely been suffering from some dehydration - it has taken a toll on my body.  I am going to take it easy over the weekend, and make sure I try to keep as cool as I can, and also drink fluids.  I'm glad that you found the quote from Mary Bratton about how long it can take to heal from trauma as a positive - I also found that inspiring too. Yes, I will try my best to go slowly with the exercises - and thank you so much for your suggestions - I am going to 'take some time' to try to process things more - from the past reading I've done - and then when I feel a bit stronger, I'll have a go at another of Mary Bratton's experiential exercises.    Thank you for the love and hugs filled with cool breezes, and sending lots of hugs back for you 

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Journal Entry on 21st July 2018
My focus this weekend is to recuperate and rest - trying to keep cool and hydrated - and just allowing my thoughts and feelings to be noticed, without any pressure - I might look for a book to read, but maybe a fiction related story - rather than my usual self-help focused reading.  Something lighter and hopefully enjoyable.  Maybe a walk, during the cooler times of day.  I have social commitments tomorrow, but not today.  So today is a day I can focus on recuperating.  That feels good.

I had a dream the night before last, that I was crying in my sleep - and when I woke, it was clear that I had been crying - as the bed-clothes were damp from salty tears.  I had felt unbelievably sad before going to sleep, but at the time, I had just acknowledged that sad part of myself and spoken kindly to her, telling her it was ok to feel sad - so I wonder if that then enabled her to cry and let the distress out.  I think that was a positive thing.  I'm glad I didn't try to push the emotion away, or distract myself - because I think it was good for that part of myself to cry and to grieve for whatever she was upset about.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better in myself today - and glad to have a plan to not put pressure on myself today - just recuperate and cope with the heat.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Sceal]

Reading fictional books is good! Perhaps you should pick one up more often than you do, to relieve your brain from all of the self-help books. Entertainment and relaxing is just as an important stage of healing as doing therapy.

I'm also glad to hear that you're feeling a little better. I hope you have a wonderful week-end. 

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Hope,
You are amazing.  Taking the time to wish me well while you are off kilter yourself.  I'm glad to hear you are feeling a bit better.  I think I'm starting to come back too.  Thanks for caring 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Sceal & Deep Blue,
Thank you all for your lovely replies and I appreciate your comments - very much.   
I have been able to relax more this weekend.  I am feeling a lot better than I was - and in the end I found a nice magazine to read - and read some now and again.  I couldn't find a fictional book - but I will hope to get one - I have always struggled to read fiction books all the way through - I tend to end up with more than one, and never finish any of them, but I will try again. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 23rd July 2018

I still feel a bit over-whelmed - I think it's because there are so many fragmented/wounded/inner parts of me surfacing - and I am finally realising them - and beginning to recognise them, and also meet some of them for the first time - the other impact is that it is making me process earlier memories in different ways - and I suppose it's what Mary Bratton (whose book I'm reading currently) meant by seeing things with different lenses - different perspective - I know she used different words to say that - can't remember exactly what she said.  But it makes sense.

I wonder how to describe how I'm feeling currently - it's a bit like I'm on a magic round-about, and it's spinning around, and I am seeing different things pass by, and yet it doesn't feel quite real - so I wonder if I'm experiencing a dissociated state - which is a bit heavier than normal.  Yet at the same time, I've begun to 'feel' more things - and then some younger parts pop out and I basically 'giggle' at something - and yet - I think that's them giggling - whilst I actually utter the giggle.  They find certain things funny - and that includes intimate times with my partner - they've giggled then as well - this is disconcerting - but also seems quite comical as I read this back - and see it written down.

I am surprised by quite how many fragmented parts I seem to have - and that's why I feel I related so much to those old films - like the one called 'Sybil' which I remember watching when I was a child - I was fascinated by that, but also felt I related to her character.

I've also been exploring what I might call my 'darker side' or my 'shadow sides' - as some of the fragmented parts have been pushed away in the past and repressed, and I'm opening my mind and my consciousness to welcome them into the light - so I can also communicate with them.

I have some inner conflict right now, because of some of the words I've just used - and the fact that I've got an inner/outer critic who is telling me off for using such language - but it was what came to mind, and I'm leaving it there. 

I haven't done any of the 'circle meditation' type stuff that Janina talked about in her book - where I allow my fragmented parts the chance to come and communicate in an actual specific time - I might do that this week.

Time has been passing by and yet I'm not sure what I've been 'doing' - it's like it's been a whirl-wind.  Like the magic roundabout has gone 'woooosh' and I'm still on it.  But I'm not sure for how long, or what happened.

I think I might need to do some things to ground myself - to relax more - I am possibly feeling a bit hyper - a bit over-emotional to some degrees - and I need to chill out a bit.  Relax.  Touch base with reality.

The hot weather - it's too much really.  But I'm doing my best to stay cool.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 24th July 2018
I am thankful that I feel a bit better this morning.  At nighttime, I've been experiencing more of those hallucinatory experiences - which I think of as being in the 'hypnogogic' state of between wake and sleep - and they don't worry me anymore (I used to be freaked out by them in the past), but now I understand more (I think) and I merely 'observe' them, and more often I close my eyes, and then I don't experience them.  I guess it's understandable as I'm processing many more things at the moment and therefore feel over-whelmed on occasions.

Trigger warning *** possibly...
I've been watching a series on TV called 'Sharp Objects' which has been quite triggering too - in that the person in that programme has lived with quite a dysfunctional family, and lots of family secrets, and during the times I've been watching it, there have actually been wall-paper patterns in her childhood bedroom which were identical to one of the wall-paper patterns in my own childhood bedroom.  My 'little inners/fragmented/wounded parts' are then taking notice of those things - those details.  Then offering me little snippets of visual memory.  Just snippets here and there.
I'd like to write more about the different 'parts' of myself that I feel there are - and I'm working up to doing that.  I think so.  I know that WhoBuddy and FenStarshimmer have been doing similar stuff with their parts - so I might open a new thread and see if they will join in to discuss progress on that, and anyone else who is exploring this kind of conceptualisation.  Not sure what word to use to describe it really.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Darling Hope,
You are doing such an amazing job.  I love how you are not letting the magic merry go round disorient you.  Instead, you are taking stock and allowing your parts to each feel what they need to feel.

I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better today. I saw an ad for that show you mentioned.  It seemed a bit too triggering for me.  Let me know if you think I'd like it. 

On a related note... I wondered if that has happened to you before?  You mentioned that matching wallpaper to your bedroom brought back new memories.  It has happened to me and I was very scared. It made me have a panic attack before I even had time to ground myself.  Do you think your fragmented parts took notice and showed you snippets because you are in a stronger and better place to deal with them now?

Much love
Deep Blue

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Thank you so much for your lovely reply here - and I hope you are ok.  I know you had some good news - re: your husband - and I am really pleased to hear that. 
Regarding the show I mentioned - I don't know whether it would be something you'd want to watch or not, as I do think it's quite triggering.  But I find that I gravitate towards triggering things, because it often helps me to discover and think about the triggers and work my way through them - hence I tend to look out for any programmes and books that will be related to issues that I relate to.  I wonder therefore if my behaviour is unusual within complex PTSD - because I realise that can involve 'avoiding' or minimising triggers.  This has got me thinking a bit here.  I don't know. 
Regarding the wall-papers - it's been happening to me for a while that seeing wall-papers in programmes or in older houses - brings back memories - but just snippets.  Also strong feelings accompany that. 
I am so sorry to hear you've had a panic attack before being able to ground yourself - that must have been very frightening.
I think you're right that my fragmented parts are taking notice and only allowing me to see sufficient snippets so as not to overwhelm me.  I think they're considerate in that way. 
Much love to you, Deep Blue.   

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Journal Entry for 25th July 2018
I am not coping very well with the heat.  It is sapping my energy away - I have a headache - I am trying to drink more water - but it doesn't seem to help that much.  I feel so lacking in energy.  Lethargic.  But I think so many people must be feeling the same way, and somehow knowing that - makes me feel a bit better. 
I have an appointment to go to today - so I'm feeling a bit stressed about that.  I want to cancel it really - but I am going to make myself go. 

I've just been writing to Deep Blue about how I 'gravitate' towards triggering things - like I go out of my way to watch documentaries about issues or films covering issues I relate to - even though I know I'll be triggered - but I guess it's trying to learn from seeing people in similar situations, and looking for links, patterns, any information that will help me to work out my own stuff.  I have always been like that.  It's been a trend or a pattern that follows me through life - the striving to learn more and to work things out.  Yet, I feel for many years of my life - I was 'blind' to so many things - like I was acting in a fog - unable to see - but knowing that something didn't feel right.   Also, there's the fact that many factual events about my early life were actually ignored, not spoken about, and then I sometimes wondered if maybe I just had an over-active imagination, and that I'd 'made those things up' - i.e. did I have a younger sister, was she real? 

Yes, she is real - I know this.


I am working up to posting some things in other parts of the forum, but there are parts of me 'holding me back' from doing that - for fear of what people will think - and I'm thinking - don't worry - the people here are non-judgemental, they understand, and it will be ok, but so far, I've not managed to go to the other parts of the forum to write, but I am working up to it.  It's the same with the 'Healing Porch' - I am able to read things there, and appreciate it - but in terms of going there - even in my mind - or like when Deep Blue suggestesd I joined her there for Peppermint tea - the effect on me was a flood of very emotional stuff - it's like a vulnerable younger part of me is overwhelmed to be included in that way, and yet can't cope with it at the same time.  Hence I can't make it there.  Even though it's a 'virtual' place - in that we talk about the Healing Porch, but we don't physically go there.

No wonder life is complicated for people like me who relate to complex PTSD - I am looking at parallels between my IRL interactions - and my interactions here in the forum, and I am thankful that the internet allows us this opportunity to connect and relate to each other.  I also wonder whether I could be brave enough to say things to a person IRL - i.e. face to face - whilst here I can talk more openly about things - although I have to say that I do have some friends with whom I can be more 'open' - and that is a good thing.


I feel as if I'm waffling now - but I'm glad to have written this - as I think it's helping me to put my thoughts down in this way.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i know you've really been struggling with the heat, and i'm glad you're staying more hydrated.  have you been drinking anything like gatorade to replace potassium, salt, etc.  (electrolytes)  that we lose when we sweat?  that loss may be some of the reason you're feeling out of sorts as well. 

living in the desert, i drank liquids with electrolytes on a daily basis during the summer. it really helped keep my body/brain in balance.   i found them at both supermarkets and drugstores.  it can really throw you off if you're not replacing them regularly.  they're also recommended for severe diarrhea, cuz electrolytes are lost that way as well.

i think your idea of starting your own thread for talking about your various parts and littles is a good one.   others who are also looking into that aspect of themselves might feel more comfortable as well. 

i know the idea of 'forcing' oneself to be triggered in order to further growth.  it can be difficult at times, painful, but it's helped me move ahead so many times.  good for you for doing the hard work.   you're showing such courage and determination.  i applaud that.   

keep going, hope.  you're doing great.  the idea that things you experience now don't have the same impact on you that they once had shows a lot of progress.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
I think we all deal in our own ways.  Some of us avoid, some of face things.  It's similar to fight or flight.  I flee or freeze almost every time.  I think it's brave of you to explore a deep understanding of your triggers.

I hate talking trauma.  If I'm talking about it, something is seriously wrong.  I'm happy my husband is working again but today I'm feeling irritable and angry, seeming for no reason?    I've been on such a roller coaster the last few weeks that I really relate to what you said about the magic carousel.

We will be ready with open arms and nonjudgmental when you find the courage to post in other areas.  Notice I said when you find the courage    You are an amazing, insightful person.  I feel lucky to have met you on this forum.  Even if you don't feel ready to join me on the porch, I'll sit with you here if you like 

Much love
Deep Blue

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Your suggestion about the electrolytes is great - I will try to find some of those at the chemist or supermarket - thank you - I feel sure it will make a difference to me.  I need to do something, as it's been hot for so long.  I will try to get some today.  Thank you.     I am also encouraged by your words about starting a new thread for talking about my various parts and little ones - and I hope I'll do that soon.  Your words about 'forcing' oneself to be triggered make sense too - and I am so eager to move forward with all of this.  Thank you for your encouragement - sending a warm hug to you, SanMagic 

Hi Deep Blue,
Your words about the Roller Coaster, and the parallel or similarities between that and a Carousel - I see that - because I sometimes think of the roller-coaster analogy too - but well done to us both for hanging on, and keeping going. 

You said some lovely things to me - and I appreciate them.  I also feel lucky to have met you on this forum, and thank you for sitting with me - I also like Peppermint tea - so we can share a pot of it.      I know you were feeling irritable and angry yesterday - I hope you have a nicer track on the roller coaster ride to negotiate today.  Maybe even get off and explore a nice seaside town - have an ice-cream - savour the flavour and enjoy the view.  I wish you some peace and whatever feels good to you.  I wish the same for myself.   

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Journal Entry on 26th July 2018
I woke relatively early today and wrote myself a list of things I wanted to accomplish - and I've already done a couple of them, so it feels like a good start to the day.  I hope to buy some electrolyte powders/product today - so need to take a trip to get some.  Probably the chemist.  I am sure it will be helpful, and SanMagic's experience in the desert - that's invaluable experience in my view. 

I experienced a very physical apparition in the middle of the night where I really thought there was a woman sitting on the bed - I really saw her, and actually felt the pressure of her body on the bed, where she was sitting - like she had depth and like she was real.  It really shocked me, as I woke up and saw her there - but quickly realised she wasn't actually there.  But it definitely freaked me out a bit.  I don't know who she was - i.e. she didn't look like anyone I know.  She was youngish, and wearing a long grey shawl. 

Anyway, I slept the remainder of the night ok, so it was just something that happened, and hasn't really affected me too much.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Just chekcing by, Hope and sending  a nice non-sweaty, cool one. The heat seems to have addled my brain today. I'm feeling wordless.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you had a visitor of sorts during the night.  i take it she was non-threatening, so that's a good thing.  i wonder who she could be or what she might represent.

i do hope you get some relief from the heat.  it is an entity in its own right.  i also hope the electrolytes help.  sending  love and a hug filled with cool breezes, and an umbrella hat (just something a little silly, trying to invoke a smile) to keep the sun off your head when you go out. 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,

Can understand that waking up and finding a strange woman sitting on your bed is creepy and freaky. I'd definitively been scared. I'm also glad that you realized that she wasn't actually there. Perhaps your brain was still partially in dream-land and confused what you were seeing with your eyes, and what you were seeing with your mind. Or perhaps it was something else. I hope you're okay now.

Heat is difficult to deal with, it's going to be super warm here today - and I too struggle with heat. I hope you find ways to cope with it.