Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Deep Blue]

Hope,
I've missed you these last few weeks on the forum.  I was checking the journals to see if you would be back today 
I'm glad your time away from technology was cathartic.  Anyway, I just missed you

[Blueberry]

Welcome back, Hope 

I'm glad taking time off here turned out to be a good decision for you.   

[woodsgnome]

  Good to see you here again; also cool  note that your time away seemed to do well for your needs. Congrats for having chosen to gain a fresh perspective helping you move forward. 

[Three Roses]

Welcome back, good to see you. 💖

[Sceal]

Welcome back, Hope!
I've been thinking of you, and hoping you've been well! Glad to hear that your time off did you good.

[Libby183]

Lovely to have you back, Hope. You have been really missed.

Hugs.

Libby

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue, Blueberry, Woodsgnome, Three Roses, Sceal & Libby - Sending you all the warmest hugs,  and thank you all for your Welcoming words - I appreciate them all and I appreciate you all.  This forum is aptly named 'Out of the Storm' because it feels like such a safe and understanding place, with people who really understand things.  It feels like an oasis of calm to me.  I missed you all, and I am glad to be back, but at the same time, I was also glad to have had time away from checking internet stuff and I am returning with the hope that I will be able to have a 'balance' between the choices I make in life.  I'll see how it goes!

***********
Journal Entry on 3rd October 2018
I feel as if I want to write about quite a few things, but somehow it feels hard to know 'where to start' and what to say.  Hence, I haven't really managed to think of how to structure my thoughts and feelings to convey what I want to say here - hence I haven't really - so I've decided to just 'be' - and just see what happens. 

My younger parts were a bit upset yesterday, as a childhood entertainer (called Geoffrey) had died, and so Little Hope remembered how much she liked spending time with his childhood characters (Zippy, Bungle etc) - Little Hope was very upset - and she showed it when my partner made a joke about one of the characters - he didn't mean anything bad by it, but Little Hope was distraught and cried, and Adult Hope ended up feeling her distress and showing it.  Thankfully he understands more when I'm experiencing things like that.  I thought of you Libby, as I feel sure you'd remember Geoffrey too.  We must have been about 8 years of age when he was around.

Actually, knowing that - makes me realise 'how young' I was at such an age - because there's part of me that 'feels as if I was more adult' at those young ages - and yet, with events like that, it reminds me that I was actually extremely young and childlike. 

My new book has arrived, and I am very impressed by it - just because it's an enormous hard-back book - it was expensive - but it was less than £30, which is my limit on books - I think they are good value in terms of a comparison with therapy prices, and will last me forever - the title is: "Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation: A Practical, Integrative Approach" by Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon & Onno Van Der Hart - and it's a 2017 edition!  I think it was Kizzie who had mentioned that a group of people had been working through a previous edition of that book, so I'm hoping to start to read it, and maybe add my own  comments to their notes - if that is appropriate - I think I'll do that.  Not sure when I'll start to read it.  I've not read any self-help books for a few weeks.

Mind you, I did read the one that BeHealthy1 recommended - called 'Soulful Simplicity' by Courtney Carver - and it's 'how living with less can lead to so much more'  - I enjoyed reading it, but I was glad I didn't actually buy it - I borrowed it from the library - I think I sound a bit horrible to say that, but there was just something about it - didn't completely feel that it touched my soul - but basically not many books would do that, and it's a big 'ask' to expect them to...  There were some good points in the book, but for some reason my memory isn't allowing me to access them right now!  Not sure why...

I'd like to say I 'achieved a lot' during my break from the internet etc, and when I say that I mean things like the process of de-cluttering, being more productive, stuff like that - but you know - I can't really say that - I don't feel that I have moved forward that much - but I feel more comfortable in my skin - and I feel less 'guilty' about things - I feel as if it's 'ok' if I make a particular decision, and that I shouldn't criticise myself so much.  Maybe that's dealing better with my inner and outer critics.

TW - mentioning 'hitting out' - but only in a non-violent sense - a thought of hitting out, rather than actually hurting someone...
Regarding my 'parts' - I feel as if there is an 'angrier' part that has woken up and will actually express herself sometimes, via thoughts, and she actually wants to physically express those feelings - and then I have to remind her that whoever she is wanting to hit out at, is actually not a bad person, and that she is safe, and doesn't need to hit anyone to protect herself.  This is purely a thought, rather than an actual action.  I've rarely ever hit anyone - maybe a couple of occasions in my life - but I've felt as if I would have liked to have done so, to protect myself, but my reaction has been one of 'freezing' or 'going numb' or 'dissociating' rather than actually reacting in a different way.


TW - mentioning CSA -

I re-read my writings about CSA and found that a wave of incredibly strong emotion rushed up to my senses, when I read the kind things about MamaBear - that Wife2 had shared with me - and how supportive that was that there would be a 'protector' for little hope - and that MamaBear would be there when I needed her.  That really has helped me in so many ways.


End of TW


So, I feel I've written more than I felt like I could, when I started this Journal entry today.


I also want to catch-up with other people's Journals, but I'm going to pace myself, as I find it interesting that re-connecting here in the forum is also quite emotionally demanding, probably because I feel that I have 'connected' with people, and therefore feel a sense of caring towards them - and I want to ensure that me and Little Hopes are ok.  I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but it is emotionally tiggering - I'll leave it at that.  It's a bit like when I feel I want to join in on the 'Healing Porch' but then feel over-whelmed by the kindness there - so I read it from afar - but in my mind, I connect with the people there - and that is meaningful and special.


Hope 

[Hope67]

I am just returning briefly to say, that 'during' my writing above, I felt 'ok' - quite non-emotional mostly - but re-reading it causes me and other parts of me to feel 'very emotional' and brings up tears.  Also a lump in my throat physically.  This often happens to me - i.e. I can write whilst feeling relatively little emotion, but it's the re-reading that causes the emotional response.  I might put this query out as a general posting, to see if others feel that way, and why that might be. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

since i've been away from here for a goodly length of time myself, i didn't realize you'd been gone, but i'm glad you're back.  you are always so sweet and gentle to people here and it does my heart good to know you're with us again.

i understand that emotional response you spoke about.  i've had sadness come up when realizing (thru re-reading or re-thinking) what i've missed, or how difficult it is for me still to take in the good stuff from people.  i can feel very sad about that, or, like when you speak of the kindness on the healing porch, simply overwhelmed.  sometimes i feel it's getting better, that i can just take it in and enjoy the feeling, but at other times, nope, just not quite there.

i hope your book is helpful for you.  funny, how that one book from the library turned out to be the one that really didn't touch you deeply - and thankfully, it's the one you didn't have to pay for.

keep taking care of you, sweetie.  love and hugs.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thanks so much for  your kind comments here, I really appreciate them, and I hope you've had some good time away - I didn't realise you were going to be away too - so I'm glad you're back, and I will be hoping to catch up with your Journal - and also those of others, as I really want to re-connect and see how things are going.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the emotional response side of things - it was helpful to read your reply - and I am hopeful that maybe over time, it will get easier to process - you've certainly given me some hope for that, with what you said.

Love and hugs to you, SanMagic.

**************
Journal Entry on 4th October 2018
I am keen not to set myself any 'expectations' today - because I am not sure how I'm feeling - so I'll just see how today goes. 
Hope :-)

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
Sometimes the days without expectations or plans end up being the most healing days for me.  I "hope" the same for you 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue - Thank you for sharing that - because the day was ok, despite not having expectations, and perhaps better for it, so I do relate to what you said.   

Hi BeHea1thy - I appreciate your replies here - and I admire your skill to take quotes and include them all in a reply - I haven't worked out how to do more than one quote yet - I like your description of 'nugget'- and it's good that you found one in what I wrote.  That makes me smile.    It's very validating - thank you.

***********
Journal Entry on 6th October 2018
I attended something social last night, and it was triggering in many ways - there were some unexpected things that happened, and I think I coped relatively ok.  But it had a big effect on my sleep - as I felt as if the 'angry part' of me was not able to sleep - and was trying to protect me from 'invasion' - and unfortunately my partner was trying to comfort me, as I must have been talking 'out loud' in those times when I was between sleep and waking, and I have some limited memories of what was said, and how I felt, but I was trying to explain to him that I couldn't cope with the pressure of everything - and I was also very scared that I might hurt him by lashing out at him in my sleep - fearing he might be an attacker for example.  Trying to explain that whilst in a semi-awake state, caused me to become even more 'upset' and that awakened a very distressed and very young part of myself, and then my head hurt so much, and I ended up crying - thankfully I was able to get to sleep after this, and slept through the remainder of the night, but it was difficult at the time, and I realise it was down to coping with so much last night - it over-stressed my whole system, and many parts of me.

I have started to read the book about Dissociation, and I think that has affected me, as I really relate to what is written there so much!  I am grateful to have found a book - once again - that is 'on track' with my experiences and I feel it will benefit me to read it, but at the same time it's 'hard-work' - as I feel like I'm containing so much emotion in so many different places.  I'm also noticing patterns in my life that have repeated themselves - I hope to write more about that when I feel I can share it, but at the moment it feels too raw and personal to write about it.  But by writing it here, I can then hopefully remember to develop it later - if I still feel it's relevant.

I also felt over-whelmed this morning, as I considered that there are lots of things I 'should' be doing - or 'should' have done - and that I just don't get round to tackling/doing, and then I realised how many times the word 'should' was featuring, and so I'm trying to stand back, and just think - it's Saturday, and there's no 'rules' for today - I can do what I want - I can do it, or not do it, and there won't be any awful consequences if I don't.  So I can choose to tackle something or not - and that's ok.

I think I'm still quite triggered by last night, so I need to try to relax in some way.  Maybe a cup of tea.  I'll make one of those.
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Hope,
I thought of you a lot yesterday.  We have suicide prevention organizations in the states and some of the shirts just say HOPE and the letter "o" is a lifesaver.  I wore mine proudly yesterday and thought of you often. 

I'm glad you were able to finally get some sleep.  Do you ever nap during the day if you need it?  I'm not sure how it is for you, but I tend to not have nightmares when I nap. 

Sometimes I have noticed that the angry part of me is a protector.  Does yours do that?  I find anger a more comfortable emotion than fear if I'm being honest. 

Take care today and try to enjoy your Saturday 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue - I love your kind and lovely reply here - thank you so much.  It means a lot.     Your suggestion about napping in the day - yes, I do that sometimes, and I think you're right - it would be helpful - I'm glad to hear that you don't tend to have nightmares when you nap - I had missed the opportunity to do that yesterday, and I was incredibly tired - and last night felt like it went on 'forever' in some ways. 

I have identified the  protector aspect to that angry part of me - I also relate very much to what you say there - and I had already been conversing with that part to try to ensure that I didn't end up acting out those feelings of anger towards the ones who I love - i.e. my partner, as he's the one most often around me.  I recognise that sometimes - actually more often than I realised before - the angry protector part is trying to make sure I am ok - but that it goes 'over the top' - i.e. that level of protection just isn't necessary. 

I did feel some intense 'fear' too - last night, and that was when my head hurt, and I felt the connection to a very very small Little Hope - who was terrified.  I felt that emotion so intensely. 

But you know, I'm beginning to feel better for 'feeling these things' - because now I am beginning to understand the links to why I feel those things now, and potentially why I felt them as a child - and I guess that's the re-processing - I am so glad that I have been able to add some context to these things, and I recognise how much talking with people here - and connecting with people who understand - it makes it a safer potential to finally share experiences and I am so grateful for that opportunity.

A lengthy reply - Deep Blue - but thank you again, and I am finding that Saturday is ok - I felt like I was in an EF for part of the morning, but I feel more 'grounded' now.    to you, Deep Blue - I had an image of you wearing your shirt yesterday and wearing it proudly, and I think that's such a great thing.   

*******

I do feel a bit better - and actually grateful to be looking forward to an evening indoors. 

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

 

The biggest, warmest love to you sweetie