Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Thanks Jdog - I hope you're enjoying your day too.   

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Journal Entry on 23rd November 2018
Back again, and I have to say I've not really progressed much with those practical things I wanted to do - I really haven't done very much today - I've ended up trying to sleep for part of the afternoon - but didn't manage to sleep - we had a disturbed night last night as my partner has a bad cold and cough, and he was struggling to sleep - and then I was kept awake too.  But it could be worse - and at least he is feeling a bit better today.  The weekend is nearly here too - so that will be a chance for him to recuperate, and I will try to look after him, as best I can.  Luckily I don't seem to have caught his cold.

**TW Mentioning 'Death'
If I were to describe my emotion today - it would be quite 'flat' - and I ended up crying again when watching a TV drama - it's a UK based drama called 'Doctors' and it's had themes of death and that's been quite tough to watch - **end of TW

However, I think that each time I allow my emotions out in that way - it makes me feel a bit better in myself.  I think I'm grieving a bit more - if that makes sense. 

My plan for the weekend is to do quite a bit of housework - as things have got out of hand - there is a lot to do, and I need to do it.  I will also try to get out for a walk - as it did me good to have one this morning.  But the weather isn't great.  Raining at the moment.  Dark.  Cold.  Brrr....


I haven't done any 'Meditation Circles' with my 'parts/inners/littles' and I feel a bit guilty about that - especially as I know I've taken them through some challenging things - reading the chapters - which they are ok with, but I did feel some resistancest to processing things - and I am aware of that. 

I've been starting to re-venture back to different parts of the forum - and read what other people have written, and also re-read things that I have written, and I am interested at how that feels - it's like I can process things again, and see things from a slightly different perspective - maybe not dissociating quite as much as I would have done previously - although it varies very much moment to moment. 

As always, it helps to come here to my Journal - and I am glad I came here.

Hope 

[Jdog]

Hope-

I admire your thoroughness and complete dedication to the purposes you have set for yourself.  Marvelous attention to detail, whether you are doing inner work and healing or the tasks we all must complete in our day to day lives in this world.

Sorry it's so cold and rainy there.  I send you fresh air and sunshine from my (nearly finished) vacation on the central coast of California!

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog - thank you so much - I can imagine that lovely fresh air and sunshine from California - and thank you for sharing some of that with me.    You were very kind with what you said, and I very much appreciate it.  I hope you have a safe journey home again, and that many lovely memories from your vacation will stay with you. 

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Journal Entry on 25th November 2018
My partner seems to be improving with his bad cold, and is coughing less at night - so we've slept better.  That's great.  I have managed to get a few things done this weekend - which is good - because I can put things off - and thankfully that didn't happen too much - I did things.  I feel good about that. 

Yesterday I was re-reading some E-mails from my M - which had been sent during the time of low contact we had had - and I felt stronger to read them this time, they didn't impact so much on my emotions as they had when I had first received them and read them.  So that's a change.  I had quite a few thoughts go through my head, and I am still processing many of them.  I am hoping to do some 'letters not to send' to communicate those feelings and thoughts to FOO - because I think that will help me to get those thoughts and feelings 'out' in a safe way. 

I have been considering whether to try to make contact with some parts of my FOO whom I've never communicated with - I have some relatives I've never seen since I was 2 years old - I don't know them, they don't know me - I think they are estranged from my FOO (parents) - but I could contact them and maybe find out something about their perspective on our FOO - but I don't know whether I'm brave enough to venture and make the contact - so far it is just a potential.  I did send a message on Facebook about 4 years back, but didn't receive a reply at all.  But I couldn't be sure if the person received it - I could try again.  I don't know.

Anyway, those are things I'm considering at the moment.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

You're making so much progress!    I'm so impressed at the way you're able to keep going step by step without a T. I know you sometimes put things off (me too) but you get back up and on your way, with new ideas on moving forwards. I'm not so sure I'd get moving again sometimes if I didn't have a T in the background to run things by and then he helps me to see an altered way forwards. You're doing all this on your own   

[Sceal]

So very glad to be reading of your progress, thank you for sharing it with us here at the forum. I think you are being brave rereading those emails and for considering reaching out. There's no hurry, take the time you need.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry & Sceal - thank you both.  I appreciate your comments very much.   

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Journal Entry on 26th November 2018
I have had quite a challenging few hours - mainly because last night I ended up being 'joined' in my night time slumber by another 'part' of me, and some realisations became apparent - which I think have made me feel quite uncomfortable in many respects - basically I got in touch with a part of me that I think is aged as a teenager - maybe between 16 to 18 years old - but I'm not sure - but she feels as if she is quite dislikable and that she would push friends away - leaving me lonely - but I think she does that to protect me - I could really feel her emotions - I do recognise she is part of me - I could also see some repetitive patterns of behaviour that can happen in my interactions with people - and how I can sometimes end up turning away from my friends 'in real life' - because I don't want to be hurt by being too close to them.  I shared some of these thoughts with my partner today - and he confirmed that he thinks that I do that - i.e. he said I am sometimes prickly with his relatives - and that I might push them away - rather than get closer to them - and I said to him I recognise that - and I am trying to temper this and hopefully cope better with the balance of asserting my own needs whilst being social etc.  It's so tough though, as I depends which part of me is more active in any interaction, and it also depends on what they say or do - and whether that triggers me or not. 

Anyway, I also felt that the fact my FOO disrupted so much of my childhood by geographical changes - and disrupting my friendships, it meant that I couldn't afford to get close to anyone - I can't cope with transitions - I hate 'Good byes' to the extent I couldn't have said that in the past - but I have written it now - I feel I am managing to face some areas that felt a bit phobic before. 

I feel like I'm grieving - I feel very sad - these realisations that I've been having in the past few days - they feel more 'real' than they have done previously.  I feel like I've connected to that teenage part of myself - she is showing me how she felt - and I am shocked by it, as I had been protected from those feelings be a veneer of sugary-ness previously - it was like the fog was thick and I just couldn't see or feel it - but I do see and feel some of it now - and it's upsetting.

However, at the same time, I can 'feel' more things - rather than being numb and dissociated to it all.  I do think that's a good thing.

I am recognising that sometimes I can sabotage situations and make things worse for myself than they need to be.  I am going to try to be more mindful of this, and hold back and be more sensitive both to the needs of others but also myself - and try to strike a better balance between these things.

Regarding whether to try to contact FOO members that I've not known in my life - I wonder if it's a good idea - because I also realise that I feel 'responsible' for other people's feelings - and I don't want to end up disrupting their lives by making contact - as I don't want to hurt them in anyway.  Yet that very realisation that "I feel responsible" - it's very tough - why should I be responsible?  Yet I feel that I am. 

These are things that are hard to tolerate and hold - but I am going to keep noticing them - rather than trying to push them aside or cover them up.  They feel like the uglier side of my life - the side I tried to hide - the side that my FOO covered up and kept secret - but actually - covering things up and keeping them secret like that - it doesn't help anyone.  Better to let the wounds breathe so they can hopefully heal.  That's my hope in this.

I think I am beginning to realise that I am wounded, but that I can heal - if I take care to look and see where it hurts, and think about why it hurts - and who is responsible.  It doesn't all fall on my shoulders - but I do need to take responsibility for what I can change - I feel like I'm losing track of my thoughts now - so I'll stop there.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

I think I am beginning to realise that I am wounded, but that I can heal - if I take care to look and see where it hurts, and think about why it hurts - and who is responsible. 

[Hope67]

Thanks so much, Three Roses.  :-) 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 27th November 2018
Well - I messaged a FOO member (that I've never communicated with before) and told him that I am a relative of his, and that I'd like to understand more about my FOO - I had previously contacted his brother - but that person hadn't got back to me, and I couldn't be sure if he even saw my message - I sent it a couple of years or so back - and I explained this to his brother, and said I would like to hear from him, if possible.  So I'll see if anything comes of that.  I feel ok about it - so far.  I figured it would be helpful to try to get some information about the relatives - there are masses of estrangement issues in my FOO - so I hope to find out some of the reasons - things that FOO haven't told me, and have hidden from me.  Another step in the detective saga really - but I think it's worth doing - and I am doing it...

Regarding how I feel today - quite 'unsettled' in many respects - like I've done something wrong and will be punished for it.  But I am sticking to my resolve that I have a right to question things, and to look into things - and so that's what I'm doing.

I have been dissociating quite a bit lately - but I can recognise when I'm doing it more now - and I am trying to change it - so I can be more present.  I think I was dreaming again last night, but I can't recall the content at all, just had that feeling that I had been caught up in something.

I'm taking a break for a couple of days from reading the Dissociation book - mainly because I have needed energy to focus on things in my daily life - and needed some respite from processing heavier things - I might try to do one chapter a week - but I don't want to set myself any kind of timetable - as I'll probably rebel against it - if I do that.  Strange but true.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 28th November 2018
I have something social to go to today - I am feeling a bit apprehensive, but I'll see how it goes. 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
You have been working so hard. I think taking a break from the dissociation book for a few days is needed. 

Try to enjoy your social something 

[Jdog]

Hope-

Contacting your relative took tremendous courage.  Congratulations.  However it turns out, know that you have tried to reconnect and choices made by others are just that - their choices. 

I hope your break from the book leaves you feeling more relaxed.

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue - thank you - and I did enjoy my social something.     I really did, and I am glad.    to you. 

Hi Jdog - thank you - I checked back to see when I had contacted the first person - it was actually 3 years ago, and I checked today to see if there was any reply - nothing.  I have sent 'friend requests' to both of them today - because I am just not sure if a message on FB sits there unopened if there isn't also a facebook friend request - I wonder about it - I don't really know how it works.  But anyway, I am not sure what to expect from this, and maybe nothing will happen, but at least I have tried to make contact.  I have felt scared about it - and parts of me have not liked the fact I did it, but overall - and especially right at this moment - I feel ok about it.  Thank you for your encouragement and validation - it means a lot   

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Journal Entry on 28th November 2018
I do feel a bit more relaxed this evening - I am relieved that the social thing went better than I thought it would - and I have made some arrangements for next week too - to be more social.  I want to write about some 'realisations' I've had recently - but I am keen not to disturb this more peaceful feeling I have right now - so I will hope to do so later in the week - and for now,  I am intending to just enjoy the feeling of calm that seems to be with me right now.  I like it.

Hope 

[Jdog]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog,
I love that 'WooHoo' it made me smile.  Thank you 

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Journal Entry on 29th November 2018

***Potential TW mentioning 'swearing' in a generic sense - not specific ***
So, last night I think another 'part' of me joined me whilst I was in bed again and seemed to be a bit cheekier than normal in that I laughed at my partner trying to get comfortable, and made some slightly sarcastic comments - but hopefully not in a horrible way - it was more in a jesting way - but I don't normally do that - and I think he was taken aback a bit.  I don't know what that was about - but I literally felt like a more teenage part of me was there - and she was messing about a bit.  There had been a more horrible part just prior which had been shouting and wanting calm and peace - i.e. really swearing and shouting, but thankfully the 'jesting' 'sarcastic' side came out shortly after - because if the first option had stayed, then my reaction to my partner might have been less pleasant - and I would never wish to shout at him or upset him.  (end of TW***)


But what this tells me is that there are layers there - my parts express themselves in 'layers' it seems - maybe one closely followed by another - if that makes sense.  I don't know.  But it's very interesting to observe this in myself and to take heed of it. 

I wanted to talk more of 'realisations' I've had - so I will try to note a few more of these today - although right at this moment, I'm not really sure what I'm going to actually say... But here goes:

I think I've realised that my childhood wasn't the peaceful happy one - which I attempted to hold onto in my dissociated and fragmented remembering of it - in many ways I am amazed by how I got through everything that went on - because I do realise that there were lots of difficult and challenging things to find my way through - and I didn't feel I had any support to do that.  Although I am also beginning to recognise that there were people along the way who did help me - and I hope to write more about them at some point.  But the ones who should have supported me (i.e. my FOO parents) - they basically met their needs 'through' me, rather than giving me the care and attnention that was healthy and needed.  I didn't get what I needed from them.  I feel I fed their needs - rather than the other way around.  That's not healthy.


I've realised that my memory will literally 'rub things out' if it's not something that I can tolerate at the time - whether through not being able to attend at the time, or whether it's due to being dissociated etc.  But, those memories are still there - because I do get some flashes of them which come back - and there are times when I can remember - and then again, I can forget - it's like a slippery thing - hard to get hold of, but I can 'see' it.

I've realised that I can be very resilient and have been resilient over the years - but that very often I don't feel as if I have any strength at all - I feel passive and unable to cope - yet I know objectively that I've coped with lots of things - so it's a strange contrast. 

I've realised that part of me has painted a picture of things being 'perfect' and yet that veneer of perfection hides many flaws and falacies - and I am beginning to embrace the things that are underneath - and explore them, and find out what is there.

I've realised that I have tended to look always for the good side of people, and that I've been unable therefore to see the dangers so much.  This makes me feel quite gullible really - but it's like being dissociated has given me a sense that things are not as bad as they actually are - but when I can 'see' and in those moments when I truely feel what lies beneath the dissociation - then it hurts -- and it hurts a lot.

I am recognising that the different parts of me have conflicting needs and wants and desires - but - they are within me, and we must work together - and once I can work out a way to enable this, then some of the things that I find they hold me back from - i.e. especially a lot of current procrastination - then I can find a way through that, and hopefully achieve things again.  I did achieve a lot in my life - in my working career - but readjusting now to life without my work - I need to explore a new direction - and I am beginning to consider ways to change that - and hopefully get back to a healthier equilibrium.

My inner critic is having a go at me, as I write this - telling me that I am writing drivel - but I am going to just continue on - writing - and hope that it makes sense - it does to me. 

I've just remembered some thoughts I was having - that I want to write about in another section of the forum, so I hope to come back later and do that. 

Hope