Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

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Libby183

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #90 on: July 08, 2018, 01:38:20 AM »
Hi Hope.

I have just caught up with your posts from the past few days. 

What really struck me, because it felt so familiar,  was your discussion about positivity followed by negative feelings.  That's something I have become more and more aware of recently. I set out to do something because I want to.  I do it, but the fact that I did it, almost makes it feel worthless and negative.  Sometimes, even the decision to do something makes it the wrong decision,  because it was my decision.  It's so tiring. It must come from childhood conditioning, where everything we did or didn't do, was always absolutely wrong.  Now I have noticed this, I am mindful of sticking with my initial decision and not letting me talk myself out of it. Does that make sense, I wonder? You are so right - it's hard to hold onto the positivity.  For me, it's because I don't trust myself.

Your thoughts about your sister seem to echo this as well. You question whether you have made the right decision and are then looking for external evidence for or against the decision.  I certainly do that too.

It's all such a hard slog, isn't it?  But I think you are making good progress and helping me and others too, along the way.

Hoping you are OK with this heatwave.

Take care.

Libby

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #91 on: July 08, 2018, 06:45:35 AM »
Hi Libby,
It's great to hear from you, and thank you so much for your reply here - it helps me a lot to know that you relate to the discussion about 'positivity followed by negative feelings' and to know it's a theme for you too.  I think your thoughts about it make sense - that it must come from childhood conditioning, and I am glad that you're not going to let it stop you from doing things - and that you'll hopefully stick more with your initial decision on things.  Not letting yourself talk yourself out of it.  Good luck with doing that.  I know it's not easy.  But being aware of something - it certainly helps - and we can only pursue things and try them out.  I agree with you that it's a hard slog, but at the same time, I think we're both making progress - I hope you feel the same.   :)  I noticed that you wrote somewhere else that you sometimes wonder what you offer to the forum, but I would say to you - you offer so much that has been really helpful to me - and I am really glad you're here - your replies and also your posts have been really helpful to me, at many levels - so  :hug: to you, Libby, and thank you for all you say and do. 

The heatwave is hard to cope with - I am trying to keep hydrated and as cool as I can, but I'm sweating the whole time...  I guess we're all in that one sticky boat, on that one.

****
Journal Entry for 8th July 2018
I've just written another 'letter not to send' regarding my sister, in the hope that I will get some clarity regarding my feelings - and what came out of it initially was that I had thoughts spring to my mind that it wasn't a good idea to make contact with her again.  But I will mull those thoughts over, and re-read the letter later in the week, as I have plenty of time to consider this.  I want to make a decision about whether to send her a Birthday card or not - and her Birthday is later in the year.  She didn't send me one for my Birthday this year - but she had sent me a Christmas card, and I hadn't reciprocated with a Christmas card, so it was me who broke the return of cards - but it was because she had been quite aggressive and cold in a previous communication, and had made no comment about that when she sent the card.

Interesting that as I write that, I feel as if it looks quite 'petty' - but it feels so much more than that - I think she is quite a complex person and her beliefs are incredibly different from most people I've met in my life - I like to think I'm open-minded about things, but her belief system is really diverse. 

Anyway, at least I wrote something, and I can now see how I feel after a while.

Hope  :)

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #92 on: July 09, 2018, 06:33:23 AM »
Journal Entry for 9th July 2018
I am finding it hard to cope with this heat - it is getting hotter and hotter.  Sweating all the time. 

I spoke about my sister to someone who I have met online - i.e. never met, but have struck up a pen-friend kind of relationship with, and I told her about my sister, and some of her beliefs, and also about my dilemma about whether to send a Birthday card, and whether or not to re-connect or not.

I found her reply to me very surprising as she said that she wouldn't send a card, if she were me - that she thinks that my sister is 'mentally unstable' and that I should protect myself and 'keep away' - that was so surprising to me that she would be so open and forthright in her opinion, and that she'd express it so openly too.  But that the same time, I am aware that she has also got some estrangement history in her own family, and therefore, maybe she has trodden that path and is giving a clearer opinion than most people might. 

I found it interesting that my reaction to that - was that I felt a little more sure that I won't be sending a card to her, and I won't be re-opening communication.  I feel like that today - whether that will remain the case, I don't know - but I just wanted to share that here - as it was really interesting to hear her views.

I know that I should make my own decisions about things, but essentially it's tough to know what I want, or what is good for me, and at the same time I don't want to hurt or offend other people either - the last thing I would want to do is hurt/offend my sister either - and that is why I tried my best to be respectful of her opinions and her lifestyle, even though I found it quite a bizarre one.

I have ordered a book - yes, another self-help book - I saw it recommended in the forum by another member, but unfortunately at this moment I can't remember the name of it, except that it is about CSA, and when I looked at it online - it looked like the prefect book for me - at this moment in time.  I feel as if I can finally cope with reading something like that, when previously I have avoided doing so, through not feeling able to cope.  I feel stronger at the moment, and I feel like I 'need' to face many things and hopefully process things - I have been reading what Eyessoblue has said in some of her replies to people about her 'inner child' work that she's doing, and I really relate to that - as it is something that Janina Fisher talked about in her book on 'Fragmented parts' and also Penny Parks - who wrote a book about CSA many years back. 

I have been trying to communicate and open the door for my small wounded parts to communicate, and indeed, parts of any age within me, and I feel I am making some progress.  I felt like a very small part - a very little Hope - was communicating to me yesterday - showing me things she used to enjoy - I was glad that she had enjoyed some things - I hope to write more about my connections with these wounded parts - as I feel like that would be beneficial to 'write about it' - and keep it in this forum, where I feel it is safe to express these things.  It feels so much better to be able to be open about things - and to think that for years and years I always kept things to myself - unable to share - I find that amazing how I endured those years with no one to confide in.  I realise I was stuck in the 'fear' 'obligation' and 'guilt' of thinking I was on this earth to keep my FOO happy, and now I realise that I was misplaced in doing that - they never had my best interests at heart - and infact they didn't respect the boundaries of caring for a child - they invaded my space at so many levels.

Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #93 on: July 09, 2018, 08:16:21 AM »
Reading your post here suddenly reminded me of a helpful saying which I came up with at some point in healing: "If the answer isn't definitely 'Yes', then it's 'No.' " It may not always be true, but it still does help me with decision-making sometimes. It stemmed from an incident when I paid attention to my logic and to 'should' and did not pay attention to what my body was telling me (pick up Little Furry and leave the vet's).

Re: hurting your sister. She can choose whether or not to feel hurt. It's not as if you're really close and her last missive to you wasn't very friendly or caring either. There are years in the future too...
Should is
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for me.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #94 on: July 09, 2018, 09:18:29 AM »
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you so much - this is so helpful.  I like the saying you mentioned - and I feel sure you've said it before - in a previous post or reply - and it made sense then as well as now.  I think it's really useful.  You're also very astute in your mention that my sister can choose to be hurt or not, and that we are not really close - and yes, her last missive to me wasn't at all friendly or caring - I also thought that the fact she just forwarded an E-mail (containing weird Conspiracy stuff) without any attempts to make any positive comments in sharing that - it shows a lack of consideration for my feelings, and I have the right to feel some hurt about that. 

Plus, you're right, there are still years in the future too - all being well - and so I can always think about that - and act accordingly - to how I feel.  It is a good realisation.

I really appreciate your comments here - thank you!   :hug:
Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #95 on: July 09, 2018, 06:38:04 PM »
hey, hope,

sometimes it's the people we don't expect, aren't the closest to, who can be more honest in their assessment of our situations because their perspective isn't as clouded with past history, baggage, etc.  i like that she was able to be open about what she thought of the situation.

i've also heard something similar to what blueberry said about making decisions.  if there is any hesitation in saying no, it gives others an opening to try to wear us down again and again.   in this case, those 'others' would be the old messages we grew up with, the ones that didn't have our best interests at heart.   

i also agree with bb about you not having any intent on hurting your sister with your decision not to send a card.  she may feel hurt, angry, maybe even relieved - we really don't know how any person might react to something we say or do.  all we can control is our intent, and if your intent is self-care, which is really important, then you need have no guilt over how she might choose to feel.

here's hoping your new venture into otherwise unexplored areas with your little you's goes smoothly and serves a positive purpose for all involved.  i have no doubt you'll take care of all the little hope's who might be affected.  may i suggest you go slowly, take time to process and rest and grieve.  i would guess that it could be difficult terrain at times.  love and hugs to you all, sweetie.
learn something from everything.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #96 on: July 10, 2018, 07:54:54 AM »
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for your comments here - and for validating the things that Blueberry said too - it's so helpful to hear both your perspectives and I appreciate it so much.  Also, your mention of 'intent' and of preserving 'self-care' - that makes sense too.  Thank you also for the suggestion to take things slowly, take time to process and rest and grieve.  I will do my best to heed that advice.

****
Journal Entry for 10th July 2018

Today has been quite a heavy one emotionally for me - mainly because I was sorting out some things, and ended up looking at old notes and documents that I had from my work - and it opened up some memories from that time, and reminded me of just how tough that time period had been - I really struggled at certain points, and I had written about the experience of that - so it was eye-opening to read that back, and realise just what I'd been through.  I realise that my tendency to dissociate means I can 'forget' what things were like, but I can also be reminded from cues and reminders from the past.  Anyway, it's been tough today.  But I'm glad I did it, because I was trying to tidy and sort through - to get rid of things I no longer need - and it makes me think that maybe that's why I had put it off for so long - because I couldn't cope before now with the emotional process of doing it. 

I will take my time, and try to do a bit more each day - and it's a reasonable plan. 


My mind has gone blank now, so I'll leave it there.

Hope  :)

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #97 on: July 11, 2018, 08:37:10 AM »
I wanted to put a link to an article I read today, which I found really helpful - it's by Karyl McBride and is about "How Narcissistic Parenting Affects Children" and I relate to all the points she listed in that article.  I felt strongly that I would like to keep a copy of it here in my Journal, because it's so pertinent to me and my feelings.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201802/how-narcissistic-parenting-affects-children

So how does narcissistic parenting affect children?
    • The child won’t feel heard or seen.
    • The child’s feelings and reality will not be acknowledged.
    • The child will be treated like an accessory to the parent, rather than a person.
    • The child will be more valued for what they do (usually for the parent) than for who they are as a person.
    • The child will not learn to identify or trust their own feelings and will grow up with crippling self-doubt.
    • The child will be taught that how they look is more important than how they feel.
    • The child will be fearful of being real, and will instead be taught that image is more important than authenticity.
    • The child will be taught to keep secrets to protect the parent and the family.    
    • The child will not be encouraged to develop their own sense of self.
    • The child will feel emotionally empty and not nurtured.
    • The child will learn not to trust others.
    • The child will feel used and manipulated.
    • The child will be there for the parent, rather than the other way around, as it should be.
    • The child’s emotional development will be stunted.
    • The child will feel criticized and judged, rather than accepted and loved.
    • The child will grow frustrated trying to seek love, approval, and attention to no avail.
    • The child will grow up feeling “not good enough.”
    • The child will not have a role model for healthy emotional connections.
    • The child will not learn appropriate boundaries for relationships.
    • The child will not learn healthy self-care, but instead will be at risk of becoming co-dependent (taking care of others to the exclusion of taking care of self).
    • The child will have difficulty with the necessary individuation from the parent as he or she grows older.
    • The child will be taught to seek external validation versus internal validation.
    • The child will get a mixed and crazy-making message of “do well to make me proud as an extension of the parent, but don’t do too well and outshine me.”
    • The child, if outshining the parent, may experience jealousy from the parent.
    • The child is not taught to give credit to self when deserved.
    • The child will ultimately suffer from some level of post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and/or anxiety in adulthood. 
    • The child will grow up believing he or she is unworthy and unlovable, because if my parent can’t love me, who will?
    • The child is often shamed and humiliated by a narcissistic parent and will grow up with poor self-esteem.
    • The child often will become either a high achiever or a self-saboteur, or both.
    • The child will need trauma recovery and will have to re-parent themselves in adulthood.

I really feel like I relate to each and every one of these things - I will need to think about these - it's a lot to take in, but I'm grateful to see a list like this.

Hope  :)

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Libby183

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #98 on: July 11, 2018, 11:39:45 AM »
Goodness, Hope. A big tick for every one on that list for me, and exactly the same for you,  I imagine.  It really hits home when you have all of the effects of terrible parenting listed together.

We've clearly done well, to survive as we have.

Thanks for reproducing this.

Libby

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #99 on: July 11, 2018, 11:55:10 AM »
Hi Libby,
The entire article is in Psychology Today and was posted in February 2018 by Karyl McBride - I've read one of her books in the past, and it was really helpful to me.  So I look out for her writing, and she sent it out in a link today - from her E-mail distribution. 

Libby - I also put a very large tick against each and every point on the list.  I agree that it really hits home to see the list, and realise the impact. 

You're right, we've clearly done well to survive this.  I am grateful that I can finally 'see' this, and realise the impact - I am trying to come to terms with so many elements, but feel hopeful that realising the impact and understanding it more, can help to navigate a way through it.

 :hug: to you Libby.   

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Journal entry for 11th July 2018

I am grateful to have seen the list that I copied and pasted from Karyl McBridge about Narcissistic Parenting and the effects on children of such parenting.  I am grateful to Kizzie for explaining about 'covert' NPD - that makes sense completely.  She mentioned that in another thread - and it was very helpful.

I think that I might be able to use the list in relation to exploring the experiences of my various wounded/fragmented parts - as it will help me to re-process some things from the perspective of being more aware of the impact of their behaviour towards me, and the things they told me.  Things they expected of me.  Pressures I felt.

I am waiting for my new book that I've ordered about CSA to arrive, it has been shipped off and hopefully will arrive in the next couple of days.  It's got a similar name to the one that Pete Walker wrote - i.e. 'Surviving to Thriving' but the subject matter is CSA, and I saw it recommended by someone in the forum, and when I looked at the content online, I thought it looked like it would be really helpful to me.  I feel more ready to read such a book now - at least that is how I feel 'today' - I hope to take it slowly and pace myself.

I did a bit more sorting out of papers and stuff - and made some progress on that.  It didn't feel so emotional as it had yesterday, but mainly because the things I looked at weren't so emotionally charged - I've put off doing things like this for so long, and it's good to finally be able to do something and make some progress on it. 

Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #100 on: July 11, 2018, 02:58:51 PM »
i'm so glad you feel like you're making progress, hope.  that's great to hear.  and also that you're getting ready to take on the info in the new book you're waiting for.  i hope it goes well for you, i really do.  love and hugs, sweetie.
learn something from everything.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #101 on: July 12, 2018, 01:02:21 AM »
Hi SanMagic,
I am not sure how much I 'believe' that I'm making progress really - I 'say' that I am, and there is part of me that thinks I am, but the other parts are quite unsettled by it, and I am therefore being careful - I am aware that my emotions are very 'up and down' - and easily triggered, but that's nothing new - that is how it's been for ever really - although I realise that there were chunks in my life when I was most likely dissociated or coping and just unaware - even saying that, I'm not sure it's 'true' - I think I am less sure today.  But I thank you so much, SanMagic, for the love and hugs, and sending them back to you as well  :hug:  Hope you're enjoying your new home.  Thinking of you.

*************
Journal Entry for 12th July 2018
I have noticed that I've been having quite realistic dreams this past few nights - including people who were colleagues from work, and I've been in different situations.  Can't really see any themes to the dreams, but I've not really sat back to try to work them out - I've just been surprised by the fact I'm dreaming more.  I am thankful that I've not experienced any night terrors - I used to have them frequently at one point, but not had one for a long time now. 

I am feeling 'unsettled' today - also, although I said I related to each and every one of the points on the list that I quoted above - I am also aware that it was hard to read it, and my mind was rushing off elsewhere - I was shocked by some of those points - and there are some truths within those realisations that I'm not sure if I'm ready to acknowledge yet.  I need to be careful and pace myself. 

I guess I feel a bit over-whelmed.

But I'm ok.  Will see how the day pans out.

Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #102 on: July 13, 2018, 02:37:28 AM »
hey, hope,

i see the progress in you, even if you can't distinguish it for yourself.  the way you dealt with that whole 'sister' thing, all of that was a sure sign of progress to me.  you've taken steps to let your partner see your vulnerability a bit more than you had in the past.  that's progress.  you're taking steps to move forward with a new book, looking at new information to learn from.  that's also progress.  you weren't ready to do that 6 mos. ago.

i think some of your parts may be feeling distress because you are moving forward, you're making changes, and it's new to them.  new is often scary, as are changes.  as you continue integrating them into this new version of hope that you're building, they'll become more comfortable with it along with you.

i think you're doing really well, hope.  i hope that you'll be able to see it soon, too.   love and hugs.
learn something from everything.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #103 on: July 13, 2018, 03:28:56 AM »
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much - you've helped me a lot in what you said - it is hard to appreciate progress - but hearing you say what you did, it helps me to see that I 'have' made progress.  There 'is' a part of me that 'can' acknowledge that, but you're right, there are so many other parts that are younger and more vulnerable and they are scared about these new changes and realisations, but I am going to take your advice and pace myself and take things a day at a time. 

************
Journal Entry on 13th July 2018

My new book has arrived today - it's still in its brown cardboard wrapping - and I am excited about the fact it is here - but also feeling some caution too - as I know it will most likely be quite challenging to focus on the information I know it will contain.  But I 'do' feel more ready to approach reading that book - I feel better than I did 6 months ago - I feel stronger.  So I think I am 'ready'.  But I'll take my time, and I'll try my best to pace myself and not over-do it.

Hope  :)

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Deep Blue

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #104 on: July 13, 2018, 07:29:03 AM »
Hey Hope,
I just wanted to send you a  :hug: and let you know that I’m reading the body keeps the score upon your suggestion. 

I’m taking it slow, just as you are.  Good job to bite off manageable pieces. 

Much love to you darling  :hug:
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.