Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 11th August 2018
I've written about 'Procrastination' because I feel that it's an issue for me - I'll copy and past what I wrote, so I have it here in my diary as well:

"Procrastination.

Procrastination – What Holds Me Back?

So as I begin to seriously consider my healing and my way forward – I wonder what has been holding me back – why I have been putting things off, procrastinating.  Because I can feel there are obstacles – and I need to understand them, to negotiate with them and hopefully move forward.

In no particular order, here are a few factors I've identified:

1) Fear – maybe I've become comfortable with how things are, and fear what I might discover – so I may hold myself back from confronting things

2) Guilt – somehow I still hold myself as 'responsible' for the family dynamics – and have done so from a small child – somehow thinking that I am holding the family together and managing everything – treading on egg-shells, trying to please, and so to have broken away from that, become estranged from my FOO, then somehow I am 'terrible' and a 'bad person' for having dared to do that, and somehow I have become the cause of any negative feelings felt by my FOO – I think that 'if only I could have held it together' then they would have been continuing to be 'happy' and living their fantasy life that everything is 'ok'.  (Glad I'm writing that, as it sounds like a farce when I put it in black and white like this – I can already feel myself thinking that it's ridiculous that I should put these things on my shoulders).

3) Conflict between my inners/fragmented parts – there are quite a few of them, and they have different fears and concerns – and some of them worry about what will happen.  Some of them are unaware that time has passed by and essentially we're 'safe' - they still fear and feel doom and gloom and they worry what will happen if we face some things.

4) I lost a lot of 'roles' of my life with the various changes that have happened to me in the last few years – and that takes a lot of adjusting – and I don't feel equipped in many ways to handle that, so maybe it's fear of not knowing how to be/what to do.

5) My self-identity has never really evolved in any meaningful way – I've been what others have wanted me to be, instead of necessarily who I am – indeed, I wonder 'Who am I? What do I like/dislike?' - maybe part of procrastinating is trying to work these things out, and therefore the ways forward seem scary and also hard to choose the right path.

I'm sure there are many more things, but those are a few to start with.

I wonder if others relate to this, and whether you feel you put things off and procrastinate.

I've decided I'm going to try to make small steps each day to move things forward, and hopefully 'do more' and procrastinate less.  That's the plan...

Hope  "

I thought it would be helpful to consider the subject of my procrastination and the reasons why I feel it - at this point - because I have noticed that I'm putting off beginning the experiential exercises in Mary Bratton's book - and I just wanted to explore some of the reasons why that might be.  I am making some small steps however in terms of trying to de-clutter and sort out things at home - but it is painfully slow - and I feel like I'm not really making much progress.

But what I'm pleased about is that when I woke this morning, I felt as if there was a more 'active' and 'enthusiastic' part of myself who woke up with me - as if she was ready to face the world today and get something done.  I really want to hold onto that optimism - and hope it will translate into action - I'm glad to have written this today - in terms of starting a thread about Procrastination - although ironically discussing the ins and outs of procrastination could end up being a task that holds up progress - I hope that won't be the case, and that I can progress.

My head hurts though - interesting... 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 13th August 2018
I was feeling 'stuck' since I wrote the reasons I procrastinate - somehow it filled me with some feelings of 'dread' - that I was trapped and couldn't move forward, but I've re-read what I wrote and come to the conclusion that I can move forward - and I will - I just need to take 'baby steps' - which is what someone said in the forum - I think it was BeHea1thy who said it.  Sensible advice - that's for sure.   

I also concluded my writing before with the comment that "I've decided I'm going to try to make small steps each day to move things forward, and hopefully 'do more' and procrastinate less.  That's the plan..." - and I think that plan is reasonable - and also that I can hopefully 'do that'.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 14th August 2018
It was helpful to write about 'Procrastination' - and the replies I've had - they have all been really helpful.  I feel more positive today - and that's a good feeling.

I have been getting little snippets of memory from my 'inners/fragmented parts' - and I've been taking note of those - some have even been memories of things that my younger parts liked to do - but I have also had some over-riding memories/feelings that are spiked with 'anger' - which has been tough to tolerate - as I've wanted to act on those feelings, and it wouldn't have been appropriate in the context of where I was at the time.  So I had to 'tolerate' the feelings and thankfully I was able to cope.

I'd like to write more about that, but there's such a strong pull from other parts of me 'not to' - I know they are still scared of opening up about things.  I guess it's habit.  But I feel like I'm getting ready to write more - and I do feel it will help me to do so.  I wish I could shake off the feeling that I should be controlled, that I'm trapped - because essentially I'm free - but yet I still feel 'trapped' - now I feel silly for having written this. 

I've been pre-occupied again with the dilemma of whether to acknowledge the Birthday of my estranged sister - or not.  There are many conflicts between my inners/fragmented parts about this - and maybe I can try to look at that here:
So - how do we all feel about it?  Should I send a card?
One part, the sensible and kind and gentle part says 'Yes, you should send a card - she is your sister, and it would be nice for her to receive a card from a family member - then she would feel that a family member did care about her and that she was a special person - you should be kind to her'
Another part - says "No, don't do it.  She is unpredictable, she is very strange, and you don't really know her.  You've tried to communicate with her, and you ended up feeling hurt by that - and disappointed - so no, don't do it."
Another part says - "Do you really want to do that?  If so, why?  Is it because you want contact with her?  Because she will possibly reply - but then can you really cope with contact?  You don't really know what you want.  So don't go there..."
Another part says - "She abandoned me when I was a little girl - she never came back to see how I was doing - how I was coping, even though she believed our FOO to be evil - how could she leave me in that situation?  Why didn't she try to rescue me?  Or at least tell someone and ask them for help to rescue me.  She doesn't care about you - so don't go there."

I watched another programme about people who make contact with siblings or family members after a long period of separation and it's about 'What happens next' - and the person said that he had anticipated the reunion would be 'like a fairytale' with a good ending, but it wasn't like that.  I think that is how I feel about my sister - I had hoped that things would be positive and happy - but of course, this is real life, and it's rarely like that.  I guess I'm disappointed.

I think there are more parts of me that think it's a bad idea to send a card to her.  A friend of mine suggested that I could send one, but not really write much in the card - and that it would literally by a symbol that a family member had thought of her. 

I've pretty much decided I'm not going to send a card, but at the same time, I feel a great sense of 'angst' about this decision - and I am wondering if this will just increase as the Birthday approaches.

Maybe I'll try another 'letter to (not to send' and communicate to her in that way - and see what comes up in that letter.  I might do that.  Maybe later in the week.

I also want to write one of those letters to my F - because I have things I feel I want to communicate to him at the moment, and again, it will be a letter not to send.  Just a way to get those thoughts and feelings out. 

Taking note of these things here - I hope to remember to do them.

The other thing is that I would like to try one of Mary Bratton's Experiential Exercises, and I will make a note of it now, so I have made a note of it in my Journal.  The exercise is:
Client Exercise: Keep a log of your discoveries about the ways your family altered reality, and write your own redefinitions to more accurately describe what happened.

I hope to start that log - and see what comes out of that.

Hopefully having these aims, and writing them here, will help me to consider doing them.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I had to pop back to talk about the process - because whilst I was writing what I just wrote, I didn't 'feel' anything - but then I read it back, and I literally felt lots of feelings - very strong, especially as I read what my different parts thought and felt - and I felt their emotions so strongly - bringing up tearful feelings - a surge of emotion - so I just wanted to write about that experience - and amazingly, whilst writing this - at this moment - I once again don't feel the emotion - whilst I'm writing it. 

This makes me wonder about the modality of communication - the fact that whilst writing, I can literally switch off to the emotion, but then 'reading' and processing it back - it brings up surges of incredibly strong emotion.

Similarly with 'feeling' things - like the heat of things, I just don't feel them much - my partner is always amazed at the hot baths I get into, he says they are phenomenally hot.  But somehow I don't experience that heat. 

Anyway, I just wanted to reflect a bit on that experience.
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
I know I've been a little MIA lately but I just wanted to pop in.

I go through a similar situation about once a year as well.  I've gone the route and went ahead and sent a generic card.  A card just to let them know they were thought of on their birthday.  Each year I'm a mess around that time and sending the card doesn't seem to help.  I wrote a letter this year that I didn't send.  I was hoping it would help.  It hasn't 

I guess I look at it this way... the mail and phone works both ways.  Until your sis reaches out to you... maybe it's best to let it be.  I think some of your parts may be saying something similar.

As far as as an unsent letter to your F... I think that's a good idea. Get that anger, frustration, pain out of you.

You are doing some huge stuff so I just wanted you to know that even though I'm not posting as much, I'm still reading and I still care about you 

[sanmagic7]

hi hope,

i wanted to acknowledge that 'stuck' feeling you mentioned after writing all you did about procrastination.  i read that, and it seemed huge.  i don't wonder if you didn't feel overwhelmed after writing that.  that could account for feeling stuck.  but the idea you have about taking all of it in small steps, a little at a time, breaking it down into manageable parts, as it were, sounded like you hit that nail right on the head.

as far as sending a card to your sister - what i read was a bunch of 'shoulds' related to sending the card, which are always related to guilt.  do you really want to do something because you'd feel guilty otherwise?  is that ever a healthy reason for us to do something?

on the other hand, all your reasons for staying away from her, not re-connecting, leaving her and her 'odd' ways to her sounded strong, valid, and reasonable.  more true to you and your inners.  i think that sends a strong message as to what is best for you and yours.

i know it's horrible to go back and forth with these kinds of things - my nc narc d and holidays come to mind.  i know, tho, in my deepest being, that no good could come of it if i reached out.  it's all been neg. in the past - why would it be any different now?  has she changed, reached out to me, attempted any kind of reconciliation or resolution?  unfortunately, the answer to all of that is 'no'.

just my thoughts on this.  i think you're doing wonderfully, hope.  keep up the good work.  slowly but surely we'll tame this beast.  love and hugs.

[Hope67]

The only thing I would suggest to consider is that by sending anything, it has the potential to elicit a response. You don't know what it will be and you can't control it. 

The next question is, by opening the door (sending the card) do you want a response? My own decision making process about family contact involves working backwards from another's possible response to my own action or inaction. Just a thought.

Hi BeHea1thy - thank you so much for your reply - and it's interesting to hear you also have the hot bath thing - I'm wondering if you have thought of why that happens.  I haven't really come to any conclusion as to why.

Your suggestions of questions regarding sending the card are helpful - and I also appreciate the hug too.    to you, BeHea1thy.
Hope 

[Hope67]

I guess I look at it this way... the mail and phone works both ways.  Until your sis reaches out to you... maybe it's best to let it be.  I think some of your parts may be saying something similar.

As far as as an unsent letter to your F... I think that's a good idea. Get that anger, frustration, pain out of you.

You are doing some huge stuff so I just wanted you to know that even though I'm not posting as much, I'm still reading and I still care about you 

Hi Deep Blue - I really appreciate everything you said here, and also the hug, thank you.    to you.  I am coming more to the conclusion that I should just 'let things be' and probably not send a card - because the majority of my inners seem to be wanting me to not send one.  There is only one part - which is the appeasing, polite, and probably fawning part, that wanted to send a card, and I'm not sure that that lone voice amongst the rest, who have legitimate reasons for wanting to protect me - well - I think I'll listen more to them in this instance.    Thank you so much also for sharing your own experience of sending a card yourself - it is a difficult process sometimes - that's for sure!   
Hope 

[Hope67]

as far as sending a card to your sister - what i read was a bunch of 'shoulds' related to sending the card, which are always related to guilt.  do you really want to do something because you'd feel guilty otherwise?  is that ever a healthy reason for us to do something?

on the other hand, all your reasons for staying away from her, not re-connecting, leaving her and her 'odd' ways to her sounded strong, valid, and reasonable.  more true to you and your inners.  i think that sends a strong message as to what is best for you and yours.

i know it's horrible to go back and forth with these kinds of things - my nc narc d and holidays come to mind.  i know, tho, in my deepest being, that no good could come of it if i reached out.  it's all been neg. in the past - why would it be any different now?  has she changed, reached out to me, attempted any kind of reconciliation or resolution?  unfortunately, the answer to all of that is 'no'.

just my thoughts on this.  i think you're doing wonderfully, hope.  keep up the good work.  slowly but surely we'll tame this beast.  love and hugs.

Hi SanMagic - thank you so much  - I hadn't realised the list of 'shoulds' but you're right - there are - and it does suggest some 'guilt' - which I carry a lot of - because when I think about it, I am 8 years younger than my sister, and yet I feel as if I'm somehow responsible for the entire dysfunctional family - and I know in reality that can't be the case.  But somehow I carry the guilt of the dysfunction.  I need to look at that and see why I carry so much. 

I appreciate all that you said, SanMagic, and also thanks for commenting about the procrastination, and that over-whelming aspect of that - you were spot on.  I think I did feel over-whelmed at the time. 

I am feeling as if I don't want to send a card - currently - I suspect this may wax and wane in terms of my feelings about it, but that's how I feel currently - and talking about it here in my diary and also hearing people's own perspectives and thoughts, it's been really helpful.  Thank you.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 16th August 2018
My partner told me that I'd been 'shouting out' in my sleep last night, but he said he can't remember the content of what I was shouting.  My own memory of the night is that I dreamed about a past work colleague - who had left my work-place a few years ago, having come there and suffered from depression whilst there - which wasn't unusual, as my work-place was an incredibly stressful place - and people would come and go, as no one seemed to be able to cope with staying too long.  I managed to stay for a significant period of time, longer than many people had, but I know that it drained me more than I could cope with, and I 'went under' in the end as well.  So the fact I was dreaming about my old work-place and a past colleague - it was a bit unsettling.  The theme in the dream was one of hopelessness and futility - like I passed my colleague in the corridor and he didn't smile - he couldn't - he was weighed under with stress - and so was I.  The building was old, decrepid and unloved.  Pretty similar to the reality of the buildings I used to work in.  Horrible conditions really. 

I've been using the nlp technique that Eyessoblue suggested to me - visualising the stepping stones leading to the garden and the gate - and it is helpful.  Trying to give myself some positive feedback and be nice to myself more.  Someone gave me a compliment yesterday - complimented my hair, and even asked me if I'd had something done to it.  They thought I'd been to a hairdresser and had some kind of treatment - I said no, but I was happy that they thought my hair looked nice.  So I've tried to compliment myself on my hair this morning when I saw my reflection in the mirror.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i love that you're complimenting yourself, hope.   very cool.  our minds become conditioned to the messages they receive, so i believe that the more pos. messages we can cram into them (so to speak), the better off we'll be.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic & BeHea1thy,
Thank you both - I appreciate your replies so much.   

**********
Journal entry on 16th August 2018
I have just been out for a walk in the evening, and I found myself spontaneously saying to myself (in my head) "We're safe.  We're safe now" - and just repeating that to my inners, helped to remind me that we are all 'safe' - I had thought I'd seen a FOO member whilst out - which had been triggering, so that was why I was then telling myself that it was very unlikely to have been a FOO member - as they should be a long distance away from where I am.  It's not impossible, but it is unlikely.  But saying 'We're safe' - it did seem to help and I found one of my inners found that very emotional - and responded to those words, but in a 'good way' - so it was a good thing to have done.

I am also pleased to have been out for a walk, as it was good for me.   Some exercise. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 17th August 2018
I have been thinking about the fact that it was the Anniversary of the film 'Grease' - as this was a film I remembered going to see when I was a child, and I 'felt a certain age' at that time, with particular memories.  However, now I realise that some of my memories are mixed up - in terms of how old I was at certain times, and also how old I 'felt inside'- and then I've realised how photos can impact on our memories too - and make us think about things in different ways. 

Anyway, it's produced some mixed up feelings for me - as a result - but - I am now thinking that I can begin to re-process some things - realising how old I 'actually' was when certain things happened - the trouble with having fragmented parts, and fragmented memories is that I get snippets and I am attempting to piece things together - and make sense of them, but I realise that things have been encoded in different ways - due to the impact of the trauma on memory - I saw something that Kizzie shared about that - a diagram about memory and encoding, and it was helpful.  I also remember things that Van der Kolk said about the processing of memories.

I'm keen to begin to write again about certain memories - and I hope to do that in my own detailed notebook - I think it will be helpful to me.

Maybe on the weekend I might manage to write a 'letter not to send' to try to get some feelings/emotions out - I felt as if I was nearer to doing that, but as I write about this now - I feel quite 'cold' about it - as if parts of me are not keen on that idea, but I realise that this varies greatly from moment to moment, so when I feel the time is right, then I think I will do it.

Hope 

[Libby183]

Hi Hope.

I had missed the fact that it was the forty year anniversary of the film "Grease". But I am always very triggered by any mention of that film,  and especially hearing the theme tune on the radio. I saw it originally with my mother and sister.  It has bad connections to where I was and who I was, at that age.  So, I was very interested that you mentioned it.

All the best to you.

Libby.

[sanmagic7]

i like your idea of writing a letter to get emotions/feelings out.  i know those have helped me quite a bit along the way.  i hope yours does as well.

keep taking care of you and your parts.  what a reaffirming thing to say while you're walking.  i think that was great, and i'm sure that all the you's got some benefit from doing that. 

love and hugs, hope.