Unsure about therapy

[Eyessoblue]

Libby; I feel disappointed for you in some ways that your therapy was so poor and the things she told you just don't seem right to me, you have come along way though and I think the emdr has probably helped you more then therapy itself, I feel like that too.
I think you're feeling quite confident in yourself now as the way you have decided that you don't want anymore therapy and you have come off of antidepressants just shows how strong you've become. Well done for that!
I wish you all the best and hope you can put this bad therapy behind you, just remember though if you feel you need therapy again, you're by no means a failure and don't let your last therapy put you off, there are some amazing therapists out there I just feel you weren't very lucky with the one you ended up with..
Best of luck to you, it's been really nice having someone to talk to when we've both been going through similar therapies in the uk. I'm hoping I can come off my antidepressants too, just not quite ready to do that yet!

[sanmagic7]

libby, i want to write more about this, but only have a couple min. before i'm out the door.

in my mind, you have nothing to feel ashamed about, you have truly been abused just like you know you were, and it's not your fault, not at all.  once again, i believe this t was absolutely wrong to tell you that you didn't really want to heal.  if that were true, you would not be posting on this forum.

very sorry you've been made to feel confused and ashamed.  good therapy will never make one feel like that.  while it can sometimes feel confusing because of making transitions while we learn, shame should never be part of the therapeutic equation.  never.

trying to blame the victim, excusing the perpetrators, and denying your distress has no place in good therapy.  i'm very sorry you had to go thru that experience, but glad you're out and feel strong enough to make your own decisions.  we'll stay by your side thru this cuz, yep, we do understand, we've been there, and we're all in this together. 

you never need to feel shame nor blame for what happened to you again.  love and hugs.  (well, i guess i wrote more than i expected.)

[Hope67]

as the therapist didn't appear to believe in the nature of my abuse, then it was unlikely that she could address it. 

Hi Libby,
I certainly don't think that your therapist was very professional in her conduct, or even particularly knowledgeable about what you've gone through,  and I think you were astute to say that as she didn't appear to believe in the nature of your abuse, then it was unlikely she could address it, and she seems to have demonstrated that.

I am glad that you've been able to get something out of the EMDR, and also that you have felt strong enough to stand back from the therapy and take what was helpful and that you've discarded the rest.  It seems like there was a lot to discard however, and I hope that your therapist will at least have listened to some of the feedback you gave her - but it sounds like she was a bit 'defended' and unable to hear you - that's just the impression I got - I'm only thinking aloud there.

I think that Eyessoblue and SanMagic have both made some very good points, and I stand with them in supporting you in this, Libby 

I am so sorry that you've been left feeling ashamed, as that's a hard emotion to carry - and personally I think your Inner Critic may have put that there - and I really hope that you can challenge it, because you have nothing to be ashamed about (in my book) - because you're a lovely and very caring person - that's been evident to me by how you've reached out to many people in the forum, with such compassion and caring.

Anyway, I'm glad that you're here - in terms of sharing support in this forum - and whilst you may feel you don't want to pursue further therapy at this time, maybe in the future, you'll feel ready to try it again - if the right person comes along - I feel sure they won't all be like the therapist you saw - but well done for surviving that experience and getting through it.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope said a lot of what else i wanted to say.  i'm just sorry it kind of lifted your hopes for a time only to dash them in the end.  i was so hoping that this t would work out well all the way around.

you've still got us, for what that's worth, and we'll be here for you as best we can.  keep taking care of you first, always.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[Libby183]

Thank you so much, my "therapy-support" friends. I have had a very up and down weekend,  but despite everything I still feel that I have got some positives out of a poor experience,  but still have a strong, lingering doubt that it was poor because of me and not the therapist. 

I realise now that reaching out to people,  other than here, just doesn't help. They don't get it and don't want to get it.  And that includes doctors and therapists.  I feel very aware that I was looking for something,  that I never got from my parents when I needed it, so am not going to get it anywhere else. I don't think I will ever achieve any degree of self love,  but I am working on self acceptance.  The therapist seemed to want me to change. As she put it,  to rewrite my story.  To do things I had avoided, and so on. But actually,  I think for me, it is better if accept myself and my limitations,  but the key is not to feel the overwhelming guilt about my life. For example, not to force myself to socialise, like I have done,  but not to feel ashamed and guilty for not joining in.  My therapist said that my belief that I didn't know myself,  because I was only what my mother said I was, and that I  tried to be whatever was required in the moment,  which left me feeling vulnerable and fake, was nonsense.  Something I had read and bought into because it suited me to say so. I don't know if you agree,  but I think that is very central to Cptsd.

Therapy has taken away a lot of my anger at my parents,  but now I am left with just the terrible sadness. Sadness for my parents,  myself,  my children,  everything. I think that this would be counted as a success for therapy,  but not sure if sadness is more tolerable than anger. At least with anger, I kept fighting.  With this sadness,  I just feel hopeless and powerless,  which is what I felt always with my parents.

But having said all that,  I feel at least,  that I have finally made some decisions for myself - no therapy,  no medication,   no talking about my issues from my parents ( other than here!!)  no forcing myself to do things I don't want to do, less guilt about who and what I am. It's a start,  I think.

Hope,  Eyesofblue, San Magic, Blueberry, you are all amazing.  Thank you.

Libby.

[Hope67]

I feel at least,  that I have finally made some decisions for myself - no therapy,  no medication,   no talking about my issues from my parents ( other than here!!)  no forcing myself to do things I don't want to do, less guilt about who and what I am. It's a start,  I think.

Hi Libby,
for those conclusions that you've drawn, sounds like some progress to me.  You've made some decisions for yourself.  Definitely a start.

By the way, I think YOU are wonderful.    to you, Libby - and looking forward to the way ahead.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I feel at least,  that I have finally made some decisions for myself - no therapy,  no medication,   no talking about my issues from my parents ( other than here!!)  no forcing myself to do things I don't want to do, less guilt about who and what I am. It's a start,  I think.

Hi Libby,
for those conclusions that you've drawn, sounds like some progress to me.  You've made some decisions for yourself.  Definitely a start.

in fact lots of progress! 

I'm with the others, sorry that this T was so not with you her client, sorry that it's put you off therapy. But I can understand too. Making up your own mind is a good step towards autonomy, independence, not being dependent on abusers/enablers. Yay you!   

[Eyessoblue]

Libby, I'm in full admiration for you and actually think you've progressed really well and far ahead. I just want you to know that I'm as are the others are always here to listen to you and I've really enjoyed chatting with you and to me I think you've done so well and should be really proud of yourself,I'm sorry about all the sadness etc and maybe you'll feel you need extra help with this, ive suffered with lots of emotional flashbacks which I'm still waiting for help with!!! Like I said earlier to you, if you need counselling again don't be scared to search for it, make sure you have a good match with the person you're working with and then hopefully you'll get the results you need. I'll be thinking about you, please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing.x