how do I help husband

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emz1981

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how do I help husband
« on: May 13, 2018, 10:49:17 PM »
New to site,
Husband has c-ptsd and personality disorder.  I am dealing with depression. 
We seem to wind each up and I need to learn how to step back and help, not cause more problems for him, before out marriage ends. If its not already too late. 
How do I help ??????

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Rainagain

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Re: how do I help husband
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2018, 12:33:47 AM »
Hi Emz1981,

Its quite difficult to actually help someone with cptsd, takes time you sound like you may not have. How he is now is likely to be how he is for some time.

 I think you should try to prevent rows and conflict if you possibly can, be realistic about your expectations and don't try to force discussion of anything if you encounter resistance.

If you get into heated arguments then your husband's trust in you will suffer, its a fragile thing easily broken.

My partner and I are separating at the moment. Its because she is quite volatile and occasionally gets very angry and I cannot accept her behaviour. She apologises or at least feels guilty after these outbursts, but my trust has evaporated and I am simply waiting for the next unpleasantness to manifest itself.

She doesn't realise that these outbursts are very damaging to me, she has picked up on the fact that I am different toward her but doesn't see that it is because I am watching out for more unpleasantness and am taking steps to minimise their frequency.

Some couples row and then make it up all the time, not likely if a partner has cptsd.

I may be reading my situation into yours, you may be in a very different place altogether.

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Blueberry

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Re: how do I help husband
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2018, 10:49:55 AM »
emz, you say you're dealing with depression yourself. Do you have any form of professional help? That would be a very good start - taking care of yourself any way you can. Self-care is also very good, e.g. doing nice, good, healthy things for self.

As Rainagain implies, healing from cptsd can take a very long time. Your H may be making progress that you will not even see or sense. So try not to get frustrated with him or if you are, take that frustration somewhere else, deal with it some other way than dumping on him.

You could also inform yourself about cptsd so that you understand better what you're (possibly) facing, e.g. maybe about Emotional Flashbacks, which we with cptsd (almost) all get http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2589.0

The one thing I'd caution against is trying to act like a counsellor / therapist / healer for your H. Friends have done that to  me and it's always been a friendship destroyer.

Good luck.

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emz1981

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Re: how do I help husband
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2018, 05:15:29 PM »
Think its too late. Seems marriage may have just come to an end.
Thanks anyways

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Blueberry

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Re: how do I help husband
« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2018, 06:38:59 PM »
I'm sorry! All the best to you. 

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Kizzie

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Re: how do I help husband
« Reply #5 on: May 14, 2018, 07:35:29 PM »
HI emz, I hope it's not too late.  I came across a group for partners of people with CPTSD that might be of help to you - https://heathertuba.com/support-group-partners-to-survivors/.  It's run by a certified trauma coach who is a partner to someone with CPTSD.  She writes:

This group is designed to fill in the gap of support systems for partners. The group provides a safe, supportive, and trauma-informed forum for regular interaction with those of us who love and care for survivors.


Might be worth a try   ;)

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Rainagain

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Re: how do I help husband
« Reply #6 on: May 14, 2018, 11:25:05 PM »
This is so sad,

Cptsd is so destructive to relationships.