Letter expressing things we'd like to say... (Not to send)

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Hope67

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This is a letter from some of the fragmented parts to my FOO - things we'd like to say - I feel the need to write this today, but I don't know what we're going to say, so I'd like to suggest that there may be some


***Potential triggers**** may mention CSA, emotional and physical abuse  ***

I don't know the different parts yet - but I want to enable each of you to say anything you want to FOO - so I'll use speech bubbles so you can each say what you want, and I don't mind who says what or when...

Over to you...

"Tears whell up in my throat when I think about the things you did to me - I feel dizzy, and I feel a sense of dread about it."

"The back of my head hurts"

"Little Hope was told that she used to follow you around like your shadow, and yet she didn't even know who you were - she remembers the lady brushing her hair and putting on make-up in the mirror - she wondered who that person was - she had to ask her big sister - when she was an adult - and realise it was you - her Mum.   I feel so sorry for Little Hope that she didn't know her own Mummy."

"I used to feel so desolate - so alone, like I was waiting - hoping to be noticed"

"I used to hide in the long dark box, it felt safe in there."

"You invaded my space - you didn't give me any privacy - you took away my innocence."

"I hate you!"

"My chest hurts - feels so heavy - the tears feel like they want to come out, but it catches in my throat'.

Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: Letter expressing things we'd like to say... (Not to send)
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2018, 09:50:43 PM »
I read this back when you wrote it Hope. I had no words as usual.  :hug: :hug: now at least. I hope it has been some sort of relief maybe for some of your parts to be able to express themselves a bit.

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Hope67

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Re: Letter expressing things we'd like to say... (Not to send)
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2018, 06:05:23 PM »
Thanks Blueberry - it took me a while to come back here to read what I wrote - and I have to say reading those things back, it is very emotive for me.  I think it was a good exercise though, and I am going to do it again - infact just now.  I'll keep this thread going, and add to it as and when I find things to say.  Thanks for the hugs, Blueberry - and  :hug: back to you. 

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OK, so another little Meditation circle - and over to you, wounded/fragmented parts - say whatever you want to say today...

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For some reason I feel too 'self-conscious' today - I can't process or channel the feelings and thoughts like I did the other day - also I noticed that there was an inner critic voice that was being very negative to me - saying how it feels that I am undeserving of the time to wallow and think about myself in this way.  Also, annoyed at me for writing 3 comments in Pete Walker's blog - as if I'm trying to get his attention - attention-seeking - that's what it's accusing me of.  Maybe it's right!?  I also felt disappointed that he wasn't there - no sign of Pete yet - where is he?  I thought he would be replying to us - and now I feel like I'm a spoiled child not getting a reply - wow, where did that come from?  I am a bit shocked to have said that, but it is what I was thinking.

Infact, I feel as if there's a much younger part of me - which is attached to my psyche at the moment - she's 'demanding'  she's wanting things - and she's upset that she doesn't feel heard, isn't seen. 

I'd been writing about my life earlier today - like writing about past memories - and it left me feeling angry!  I felt angry about a few things - yet I didn't express those feelings in the writing - it was purely a description of things - as if it was plain and banal and boring - just descriptive and devoid of feeling - but you know - I DO feel things in relation to what happened to me - I feel a lot.  I wish so much that things could have been different. 

But if I turned back time, how could I possibly play things back any differently?  It would be impossible to change things really - as so much was unsaid, so much left covered up - veiled secrecy and too many family secrets - going back decades and generations infact.  I know this now, from the research I've done, and the things my sister told me.  I have felt like a detective in some ways - piecing things together - maybe I've not come up with the correct scenario, but what I have come up with - it's horrible.

I'm going to ask again - anyone wish to speak?  I'm here for you - and I want to communicate.

Waiting...

"I feel something in my chest and in my throat - I feel a bit sick.  Nauseous."
"I feel guilty, but not sure why - probably for writing these things"

"I feel pathetic for expressing my concerns"

"I want to cry"

"I'd like to tell her what I think about things.  Tell her that we never felt she was there for us.  She was cruel and cold and controlling."

"He shouldn't have done what he did - they both colluded and thought it was ok"  - "It wasn't ok"

Reflecting:
I think this is quite a good thing to do - because as I write, I feel some release - so I'll do it again another time. 

Hope  :)

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FrillyFarmGirl

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Re: Letter expressing things we'd like to say... (Not to send)
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2018, 09:12:12 PM »
This is a beautiful thread. Very encouraging. I have just recently started to explore my internal selfs. Thak you for the incredibly vulnerable stab at letting your parts have a voice. So inspiring to me. Hope for REAL. Wow.

Love and light to you.

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Hope67

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Re: Letter expressing things we'd like to say... (Not to send)
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2018, 02:12:57 PM »
Hi FrillyFarmGirl,
Thank you so much for saying that, it means a lot to know that you read it and found it to be a beautiful thread - I am humbled by that.   :hug: to you, if that's ok.

I must admit I read your Journal yesterday - and I wanted to say something in it, but I felt a bit shy!  I saw that you mentioned exploring internal selfs - I think you used another term for it, but I related to it, as I'd seen it talked about in a book somewhere, and I think you said 'Internal Family Systems' - and I thought 'Yes! That is like what I'm trying to do' - I hope it's going ok for you.

I felt a bit self-conscious writing this letter 'expressing things we'd like to say' - but actually it is proving to be really helpful to me, so I'm going to keep popping back and writing more - as and when I feel the need - it feels cathartic and also I am convinced that I'm getting in touched with more parts - and beginning to get a sense of them - I hope soon to be able to write more about them - but so far I'm just seeing what comes out.

Hope  :)

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Hope67

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Re: Letter expressing things we'd like to say... (Not to send)
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2018, 07:44:14 PM »
My head hurts and I feel really distraught - it's like my throat is tight and tears come from my eyes - and it feels almost too much to bear.  I think I'm feeling more things - I took a bath earlier, and felt the heat of the water - which I don't usually feel - not for long, but I felt it!  I think I also felt anger - anger towards my M - anger at the situation of my childhood and all the things that happened, and how I was unable to really 'see' things at the time - but I know that my parts have kept notice - and they know.

I can't express this - it's not easy to put it into words.  My emotion is ebbing away again - like a wave - it was strong, like a vice around my head and then it left me. 

Hope  :)