My perp is willing to talk

[Cookie72]

My father SA me in my teens, I no longer have any actual memories, I know it happened, I believe I know the extent of it.  I have kept him in my life, slightly at arms length, mostly not dealing with the abuse.

It's now 30 years later. 

He brought it up recently, apologised, said it never should have happened.  He told me that both he and my mother were interviewed on camera by social services at the time, which I hadn't been aware of.  I always thought I hadn't been taken seriously, and that he hadn't had any consequences, but that's apparently not the case.  He also offered to talk to me about it, to tell me anything I'd like to know, if I would like to.  He was clear that it's entirely up to me whether to have a conversation about it.

[Deep Blue]

Cookie,
That's really tough! I think only you can make the decision to talk to him about it or not.  Give it serious thought and consider what is best for you.  Do you need closure? Are you afraid it will open up a can of worms? Be careful and if you have a support system, like a trusted friend or T you may share with them your reservations before making the decision. 

Best of luck to you in this

[Cookie72]

For me, it's a temptation because I currently have no memories, so the possibility of knowing the extent, the frequency, the circumstances, is quite a strong pull. 

However, this also brings risks.  The risk that the memories will return and become intrusive.  The risk that he won't tell the truth.  The risk that I won't believe him, or trust his version.  And the risk that it won't make any positive difference.

And of course as he's in his seventies now, the time to hear his story is limited.

I don't currently have a therapist.

[Deep Blue]

To me it would be like walking into a minefield.  I had a missing memory that I had repressed not too long ago.  At first I was distraught when the memory came back.  I was sick about it.  I leaned on my T and this community for support.  I honestly wouldn't try without a strong support system in place

[Blueberry]

I've had family members willing to talk about physical and emotional abuse and then turned it around and blamed me etc etc. My abusers and their enablers still think their version, their opinions in general are 'more right' than mine. I'd be very, very careful and be very sure you have a super strong support system in place.

Also, what if he says too much? Or starts turning the blame around onto you? Are you capable of ending the discussion and leaving? Or will you freeze? I can't defend myself when I'm with FOO, if it's similar for you then I wouldn't hear him out.

If you're interested in knowing details, you could ask him to write it down and you could read it a few years hence when stronger, or when you have a trauma T, or even ask a T to read it for you and judge whether it would send you reeling or not.

Good luck with this. 

[Deep Blue]

 

Have him write it out.

[sanmagic7]

along with what others have said, i have red flags about this, too.  i wonder what his agenda is with this - is he looking for forgiveness?  is there a pull because of the age thing - like soon it may be too late, or some guilt for not giving him a chance before he dies?  just some questions that came up for me.

as far as having no memories about this, there may be a reason for that.  perhaps your conscious mind is not ready yet, and bringing such incidents out into the open all at once could be overwhelming.  even written down, reading too much could be incredibly re-traumatizing.  perhaps separate pages for each incident, and you could see how even reading about one affects you.

for that matter, possibly seeing a bunch of pages could be traumatizing in itself.

if you decide to face him at all, is there someone you could take with you for strength and support?  this does not have to be hidden from anyone, not kept as a family secret.   if he's serious about wanting to make amends for what he's done, he'll own up to it in front of a witness.  this was his doing, his fault, his shame, and he deserves to take all the blame.  this is not to get back at him, but as protection for you.  you didn't have anyone protecting you then, but you can include someone now.

please, tread lightly when considering such a move.  it's huge.  our minds protect us in their own ways, including blocking memories of horrific situations.     sending a hug full of love, compassion, and peace.

[Cookie72]

Thank you everyone, it's a confusing situation.  He says that none of it was my fault, I was the victim, he was responsible, it never should have happened.  I've never thought he accepted the blame.  My ex husband had told me a story that many years ago, when we were first dating, dad said to him that I'd offered myself to him one night, it was me who started it.  I had no cause to doubt the truth of this until recently, but I've now left my husband, who was sexually abusive to me for years, and I've started to question a lot of things he said.

[ah]

Cookie,

That's such a difficult situation. Very triggering for sure. It brings lots of different things to mind so I'm going to just write them one after the other, messy. I hope it makes sense.

I think if I were you, no matter what I'd decide I'd have someone else with me for support and validation if at all possible, and just for sheer company. I wouldn't read a letter alone and I wouldn't meet alone.

I guess it depends somewhat on your experiences with your father. Does he tend to lie, twist things to suit his own agenda? In your experience with him, will he be likely to be truthful or lie?
Does he have a history of making up stuff that will hurt others?
If he does, maybe anything he tells you wouldn't give you much clarity but add more confusion and pain.

My F is an extreme sadist so I hope very much your father is less nuts, even if just a little bit. For me, I know my F would never, ever, not in a million years say he wanted to talk to me. Just that in itself would surprise the * out of me, because he never in his life took responsibility for anything.
And if he ever made a move like this I'd be extremely suspicious and say no, because I know from experience my F's only behavior with me has always been sadistic. So I've been burned so many times that I wouldn't come close to him ever again. There's no person in there, he's just a shell with violent impulses inside.
But if your father is more nuanced in his personality, if he's less violent all in all, and if you were lied to about some parts of who he is... I can totally see how strongly you could be drawn to find out the truth. If you believe you'll be told the truth.
Can you corroborate anything your father might say?

I guess I'm wondering whether this surprised you like it'd surprise me from my F. If it did, have you ever seen your father to make such a gesture but then turn out to have made them manipulatively in order to hurt someone or achieve something for himself? If you do, maybe it's best to say no thanks. But if you don't, it may be worth another thought though I totally agree with San about its potential dangers.

If he wants to talk to you about his own feelings, to apologize, a letter might be a slightly safer route. You don't have to necessarily talk.

If I ever met my father in your shoes, I'd make sure I set the setting and rules: I'd pick the place, time, who is there, who isn't there, under what conditions do I stay, under what conditions would I get up and leave if it feels futile or too painful to keep going.
I'd also make sure whoever comes with me is a safe enough friend, who knows what cptsd is, and I'd pick a signal I could use to ask for their help during the meeting if I needed it. So if I felt too triggered for self care during, I could let them know and they could step in and say/do whatever we both agreed on ahead of time. The signal could be just about anything: you scratch your nose, touch your ear, straighten your clothes... whatever would be easiest to do when you're feeling overwhelmed.

No matter what you decide to do, sounds to me like it will be triggering. Just thinking what to do is surely extremely difficult for you.
I agree with San about forgetfulness. I guess when we forget things it's a survival mechanism, our body and mind know what they're doing. It's sometimes best to just let them do what they're best at and not muddy the waters unnecessarily. I know for me my swiss cheese memory is protecting me from unbearable pain, though I dislike it and feel so confused because of it.

The way I see it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with not remembering things. None of us remember our lives like a video camera would record events, it's all fragmented, it all changes according to the way we see our memories. Personally, I think you can work on cptsd symptoms and get better even if you don't remember their origins. Everything I've read about the brain and trauma leads me to believe our body can't tell the difference, it thinks past and present are the same. It's all happening in your body right now, this second. Work on what you're feeling right now, on how you view yourself and others and the world you're in, and your view of the past will change too whether it's made up of conscious memories or unconscious ones. You don't need your father to do that. Only be in touch with him if you choose to be.

Maybe.

[Blueberry]

I'm sure it's confusing Cookie! I just want to add that my family seemed to be not quite as crazy, mean and dysfunctional as some but now that I have got on to discussing some nitty-gritty (financial issues not past history), they are showing their true colours. They are twisting what I say to make me look bad, to make it look as if I can't explain properly, can't make sense with a basic sentence eg.

But also with past history, one B did actually apologise years ago and said if anybody in the family did anything like the emotional abuse of the parents to me, they'd have him to contend with. But when our SIL did (so not his wife either), he refused to help me at all. Didn't want a conflict with our other B. Nobody in FOO stood up for me, they were either 'neutral' or sided with SIL, just like in my childhood.

My experience is now that it may look as if people are changing, but they're not really. I used to think my FOO was less worse than others but after the SIL incident, I discovered FOO hadn't changed, I'd just wanted to hope so, or they'd been showing me the good part of the abusive cycle. They're not necessarily nasty and abusive all the time. Apparently that's the nature of abuse. (Although there are cases where it is all the time apparently).

I'm giving you a couple of links from our sister website Out Of The Fog, which is a support forum for people dealing with a family member with a Personality Disorder, whether diagnosed or not. Imho anybody who abuses has some sort of dysfunction / disorder. I find the site very useful whether my FOO has PDs or is 'just' abusive.

So:  http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/moments-of-clarity 
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/21/abusive-cycle

It may seem that with a parent in their 70's that there is a rush. I thought that too for a long time. But no rush is worth destabilising when we have cptsd ime.

Good luck with this, and keep posting your thoughts if it helps you decide. Keep safe.

[Rowan]

This, my darling, is the classic hoover.

Keep safe. Keep away and look after yourself. If they want to inform you of their actions, let them do so, in writing, so that one day, when you are able, you can digest it at your pace.

They may be in a position where they have tried to deny, and failed. Have been angry and failed, and now looking for an opportunity to reverse who is the victim in their mind. DARVO.

For a person who has been so regardless of your boundaries to start to think that maybe you may like to ask questions of the perpetrator, allows them to tell their story, and may be wounding for you, and closure for them...

Please be wary, and look after yourself




Rowan

[Blueberry]

You're right Rowan! Why did none of us think of that?



I mean I did explain what happened to me, which was DARVO. But didn't put two and two together.

Keep safe, Cookie.

[Deep Blue]

Oh my gosh! Rowan is so right!