Is this dissociation? (Maybe TW?)

[Bluejerrie]

Something that I'm really struggling with is the fact that I don't seem bothered at all by memories of my childhood abuse and neglect. My therapist keeps trying to assist me in processing 'traumatic' memories, but if the memories don't cause any bad feelings, is this processing necessary? I can remember being beaten and severely emotionally neglected, but these memories don't upset me in the slightest. I am more concerned with my vomit phobia, social anxiety and being bullied in more recent years than things that happened in my childhood.
Am I supposed to have bad feelings about my abuse? If so, how do I get in touch with these feelings? I've tried jounalling, etc, but I'm just blank really.

I have explained this to my therapist but she is convinced I am carrying trauma from childhood and that this is driving my anxiety and that we need to keep working on it.

I feel there is a big piece of the puzzle missing that I just can't find. Does this sound like a form of dissociation?

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

[Libby183]

Hi bluejerrie.

I just wanted to say that, although I am not sure if your situation is explained by the concept of dissociation,  I do relate to what you are saying.

Like you, I was beaten and severely emotionally abused, but during edmr,  I too felt no particular emotion at particular traumatic memories.  I felt much more upset at my mother's treatment of me when I too had children.  But the therapist dismissed this by telling me to float back to childhood,  to a situation where I had felt the same emotions.  I found this really difficult.

During therapy,  we also dealt with my vomiting phobia and social anxiety,  which were viewed as features of early attachment difficulties, but a lifetime of bullying,  although I raised the issue,  was totally passed over. I agree that therapy seems to view them as symptoms and not distinct traumas.

I just don't know enough about therapy and dissociation to offer any advice but I would have thought that a therapist should take a lead from what is troubling the client as a starting point.  These may well lead to our childhood trauma. My feeling, however,  is that therapists have their approach (in this case, psychodynamic)  and we have to fit in.

I am so sorry that therapy doesn't seem to be addressing what you want to address.  That was my experience too. My over-riding emotion about my childhood is anger, which my therapist said I must just give up, full stop. I would have thought that therapy could have addressed this, but it was a case of, "give up your anger, or we can't move on to healing".  No help to do this.

I am so sorry that you are suffering but I think that,  if possible, you could raise these issues again,  with your therapist. You seem to be blaming yourself for your failure to feel the emotions that your therapist expected. Surely,  a good therapist should have tools to deal with all of this?

Sorry for the lack of advice.  I understand your frustration and would be very interested to hear how things move on for you.

Take care,

Libby

[Bluejerrie]

Hi Libby

Thanks for your reply. I have spoken about this lack of feeling again to my therapist and she believes that there is a very young part of me who is pushing away any bad feelings from the past as a way of detaching from the pain. This would have been a necessary function as a young child, in order to survive and carry on with life. We are working on connecting with these feelings, and soothing the young, very hurt child part of me, so that I can resolve the trauma, grieve and move forward with my life. All the other symptoms of phobia, anxiety, etc should resolve once these deeper issues are dealt with. It seems a bit clearer to me now.

With regard to feeling anger, my therapist encourages me to feel my anger, journal about it and write anger letters to my perpetrators. The anger needs to be felt and safely processed, rather than simply letting it go. Apparently this is a necessary  part of healing. I do however also struggle to feel anger as it makes me feel so guilty!

I wish you well on your healing journey 😊

[Eyessoblue]

Hi both of you, I totally agree with what you both have to say and Libby, I'll say it again but I think you possibly were matched with a very poor therapist who totally doesn't understand where you are coming from. The anger for me anyway is a huge part of my trauma and definitely needs to be looked at, this is what is causing my anxiety now. For your therapist to say let it go and move on is such a ridiculous thing to say when it plays such a huge part in your life.
Bluejerrie it sounds to me like dissociation, the fact you can't feel anything about your childhood is what I was like in the beginning of therapy, once my therapist dug deep then lots more things I had forgotten about resurfaced as did the emotions that went with it, it was really during emdr that this all changed for me and for the first time ever I actually felt something.
I was scared of crying of being emotional and feeling vulnerable but I worked hard on myself to change this and be ok with the fact that I can sit and cry and feel sorry for myself both in and out of therapy is ok, once it all comes to the surface it's easier to move on and look back at it and I can say to myself wow I went through some crap, no wonder I'm like I am etc, this made it easier for me in the long run to accept it look at it and move on from it, don't get m wrong I still have days when I just think, I can't deal with this now but trying to believe I had no memories only made it worse for me. I also feel guilty about being angry but again it's something I can process through emdr if I ever manage to get seen again ( constant nhs waiting lists) I wish you well and hope you manage to progress in therapy.