Not connecting (Medium Post)

[Sceal]

Last day of Identity group today. We were doing summaries, and we were talking about the concept of Front Stage and Back stage.
Front stage is an important part of a person, it will help with protecting oneself from intrusions into the back stage life of ones identity. Ones secrets, fears, emotions etc. We all have a front stage and a back stage, it's about being aware about when we are where. the ideal part is to use both intermittently.

For me, I don't really know my own backstage, it has glimpses outwards sometimes. Glimpses I feel I cannot control, and makes me realize that is part of me too. My backstage is hazy, blurry, often colourless. I mean, i know some of my secrets. I know what I keep from others. And that I don't trust people. but what I don't know is my value-set. The backstage values, which one of those are mine? Which ones I'm just borrowing from others because the sound of them sounds nice?
The front stage me, is very much me. I don't do fake-me. I don't do fake it til I make it, I don't believe in that. I can put in an effort and smile more and hide my true thoughts about something/someone - but that's to spare them feeling bad and me from getting into a conflict.

Getting past the ramblings; I have a nagging suspicion that in order to get in true contact with my emotions, with how I truly feel about the trauma's, the past events, about understanding how I felt back then. In order to work through the trauma's and move past them, I need to connect with myself. True and proper. Head, mind, soul, heart and body. They need to connect - to belong together as a unity. Like a tree with various roots and branches connected to one strong core. Right now I'm a weed, a bird, a shrubbery, a maggot... They are all in need of eachother to preserve the ecology - but they are consuming eachother, rather than working on the same page.
I need me to start working on the same page!

And I don't know how. I really, really don't know how to do that. How to allow my emotions to BE. To feel them. Everytime I stop up and take a moment I end up feeling nothing. I sense nothing. When I check in, slowly and purposefully for any physical or emotional sign there is just silence. And then when I give up and resume whatever activity I'm doing, be it social or anything else... I either dissociate or I am bombarded with sensations but I have no means to analyze them or recognize them, or even observe them. The moment I turn my attention to it again - it hides.
It's like playing whack-a-mole with myself. And how the * do I win at this game?

[sanmagic7]

dang, sceal, it's truly rough to be in that place.  i can hear it from you.  i wish i could wave a magic wand and help you move forward with this.

the only thing with me that sounds similar has been my ongoing battle with alexithymia and being able to recognize and verbalize my emotions.  it has definitely been a struggle to finally begin to know what i might be feeling at any given time.   as i've worked on this over the past 2? years or so, there has been progress.  slow, stuttering at times, but progress nonetheless.

where i would cry randomly, continually sometimes, and not understand why, i find myself doing that less and less.  now, i'm more in touch with several different emotions (anger, fear, happy) that i hadn't felt forever.  part of how this has happened, for me, anyway, has been to explore that back stage when the crying came up.

i'd look at the trigger (tv show, commercial, whatever) and push myself to explore what the connection might be to some part of my life.  often, it had been unfocused sadness at things that could have been, or that were lost to me.  sometimes those tears were hiding anger or fear, but i had to discover those by purposely moving myself into that back stage, confronting what i found there. 

i don't know if something like that might work for you.  it sounds like you have become so numbed out re: your feelings that it's like they're behind a cement wall - can't be heard, seen, sensed.  just cold concrete.  or, they bust thru all at once, which becomes overwhelming.   is this something you might want to explore further with your t?   maybe she can provide a safe place for you to begin chipping away at that wall, a little at a time.

i know this is scary stuff when we've been so out of touch with ourselves for so long.  scared what it will mean if we finally do recognize a feeling that's been lurking, what it might show us, what might the results of knowing it might be, how will we react, how will someone else react . . . and on and on. 

you've posted about this before, and it seems to me that writing it out is helping you come closer in some way, even if it's in micro-millimeters.  i hope you can continue doing that.  even such small steps count.  i give you lots of credit for your courage in wanting to look at this, sweetie.  you are a brave soul - it's so evident to me.  sending love and a warm hug filled with strength and clarity. 

[Blueberry]

you've posted about this before, and it seems to me that writing it out is helping you come closer in some way, even if it's in micro-millimeters.  i hope you can continue doing that.  even such small steps count. 

Sceal, when I first read this post of yours, I thought a bit along these lines, small steps etc. I had to go really slowly through connecting with emotions, I couldn't do it all at once!  And Ts who tried to push me through it against my internal better judgement which was saying "NO!" out loud ended up retraumatising me. In fact I'd say I'm still going really slowly. Just look at my reluctance to do Screen Processing on my own. When I do it, then often at 2am because I've put it off all day.

Another mbr on here pointed out to me that I'm frightened of my EFs. I hadn't even realised that.
Sceal, I hope you can get more therapy!? That's what I've needed to even broach this stuff.