New and need help

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Wendy76

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New and need help
« on: June 09, 2018, 06:26:05 PM »
Hello,
Iím 41 years old and was in a bad marriage with a narcissist for 20 years at what point he left me, took a huge amount of my familyís money and had a second life with another woman for 18 of those years. Iím surviving a battle for my daughter who is now 12 to be able to stay with me and away from his issues. When his control was gone my motherís stepped in. I canít be me even now and am a people pleaser who never can please her. I am miserable and not doing well with anxiety, fear, etc. Iím not sure that this didnít start in childhood since I basically moved from her control to his. 😔
I do t know how to go on day to day when Iím a constant failure and can never do anything right. Iím getting counseling but itís so little with very little effect.
😔

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bhupendra

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Re: New and need help
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2018, 12:22:18 AM »
You've been through their control for a very long time. Don't lose hope. Have faith in yourself and your abilities. It takes some time.

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Blueberry

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Re: New and need help
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2018, 05:05:55 AM »
Welcome to the forum  :heythere:

It's not uncommon to be controlled by parents in an abusive way (emotionally / psychologically abusive) and then move into an abusive partnership or marriage. When our parents don't model healthy relationships for us or live a healthy relationship with us, how can we expect ourselves to recognise an unhealthy one and stay clear? It's not your fault. It's great that you've recognised your marriage now for what it is.

You aren't a failure! Look at the steps you're taking to care for yourself: you recognised a problem, you got into counselling,  and you found OOTS and joined up. Those are great steps in self-care.  :applause: :cheer:
My family of origin (FOO) always told me I was a failure so I learned to think that way about myself. With work I have been able to at least weaken the message. I don't tell myself that anymore constantly.

This is a great forum, I've thought that since my first day, long before I was a mod. Tons of information here as well as lots of validation and support. Keep dropping by, it does get better.  :hug:
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Deep Blue

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Re: New and need help
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2018, 08:08:44 AM »
Hello Wendy,
I really feel for you.  Moving from one negative relationship to another is a pretty common theme here.  When a person has a tough FOO it taints our view of future relationships. 

 :heythere: welcome and I hope this forum can help you in your healing.
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.

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Wendy76

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Re: New and need help
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2018, 08:58:06 AM »
Thank you so much. ♥️ Itís like I need an AA type sponsor person, or that program, but not sure how you fix you while still having almost constant contact with the thing youíre having issues with.
😔

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Kizzie

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Re: New and need help
« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2018, 11:22:27 AM »
Hi Wendy and a warm welcome to OOTS  :heythere:

You may want to take a look at our sister site Out of the Fog which is for those dealing with someone who has a Personality Disorder.  Your M may be one and you said your H is one so it will likely resonate with you.  OOTF has  a lot of good info/strategies for dealing with N's (e.g., setting and maintaining boundaries).  It really helped me deal with the N's in my life just as OOTS helps me with CPTSD.
When it comes to trauma, time does NOT heal all wounds. It is deeply embodied in our mind, body & spirit & requires compassionate, knowledgeable treatment & self-care.

If we want more/better trauma informed treatment & services, we must advocate for ourselves when & where we can.