Feel so alone with agony no one sees or gets

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Laura90

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Feel so alone with agony no one sees or gets
« on: June 10, 2018, 02:09:39 PM »
Hi

I've been noticing I've been more vulnerable to feelings, EFs recently after what has been a more stable patch and today has just felt so difficult.

I'm so fed up with the non linear motion of my life. It would feel more bearable if there were ups and downs but still a steady forward path forwards.

But I feel I get somewhere with myself, what I do or thinking that I've discovered interests, passions and therefore 'me', for it all to come to a crash of bingeing and purging, retreating, because I can't cope and then realise actually... do I want to be doing any of this? Then I'm faced with the question... Well who am I?
(The sick disgusting pathetic weak child)

I also feel rubbish because my new bf never meets my emotional needs and we've recently been sexually intimate and blah that's throwing up all stuff too but more through nightmares and just feeling very wobbly because my normal way of putting on a straight face and walking out the front door in the mornings feels scary and overwhelming. And I'm worried I'm going to crack.

And deep down I don't want to crack massively again, because I don't want to screw anyone else up around me again that knows me. Like a couple of closer friends and remaining family members.

Thank you so much in advance to anyone taking the time out to read this.


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Rainagain

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Re: Feel so alone with agony no one sees or gets
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2018, 07:19:12 AM »
Hi Laura

The sudden downs are really unhelpful. Hard to know where they come from sometimes.

'Do I want to be doing any of this' - exactly how I feel much of the time.

Its all very well trying to act normal or how others would expect, but if your heart's not in it it's exhausting, and not very satisfying.

Anyway, I hope stuff eases for you soon, I carry on and hope for the best, doesn't seem much alternative.

Everything will be alright in the end.

If things aren't alright then it isn't the end.

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Kizzie

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Re: Feel so alone with agony no one sees or gets
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2018, 11:05:17 AM »
Quote
I've been noticing I've been more vulnerable to feelings, EFs recently after what has been a more stable patch and today has just felt so difficult.

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time Laura  :hug:   Can you think of anything that might be causing these EFs and feeling wobbly?   
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion - Dalai Lama

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Laura90

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Re: Feel so alone with agony no one sees or gets
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2018, 11:15:22 AM »
Thank you Rainagain for your kind words.

And Kizzie, I think probably it was due to a weekend where some family members flew over to visit and stayed at my Mum's.  I spent a lot of time there and my Mum had gone into this sort of pristine perfect fake over board kindness, 3 course meals buying in food and drink for the visitors she never would normally do, and had my old toys around for my tiny nephew to play with and me and my history felt like the unknown elephant in the room especially at meal times with everyone.

I also think  entering into an intimate relationship with my bf is prob bringing things up to the surface.

It's just weird because every time I'm with him, everything's fine. I'm fine, presentable, cheery, go with the flow sort of thing.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Feel so alone with agony no one sees or gets
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2018, 07:02:14 PM »
hey, laura,

sounds like you have a handle on where the ef is coming from.  being around foo can do that, overwhelm us when we don't even realize it's happening.   

the idea that we go along, then get stopped in our tracks is so frustrating, infuriating, and exhausting.  i've been to the place you're talking about so many times, it could wear me out just thinking about it.  the one thing i do know is that it gets better as we continue with our recovery.

for example, you were able to recognize you're in an ef right now, and it's messing with you all over the place.  i would venture a guess that there was a time when that was not the case - you weren't able to know at all what was happening to you and you just felt cruddy and confused.

that's how progress works with this beast.  sometimes we can't even see our progress cuz we're so caught up in the belly of the beast.  it jumbles us up so badly we don't know up from down.  but this time you at least know what's causing that feeling.  you've moved forward.

it may be part of why you're having a difficult time with your bf right now, too.  i don't know for sure, but it could be a piece of it in there.   and, since it's a new relationship, per se, the emotional stuff may be too new right now for him.  i hope you can give yourself some time to settle.   sending a loving hug to you, sweetie.  hang tough.
learn something from everything.

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Kizzie

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Re: Feel so alone with agony no one sees or gets
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2018, 07:52:06 AM »
I find the same thing when I am around my FOO which is why I am NC and LC now - too much for my system to handle.  And a new relationship certainly can raise feelings of vulnerability/past trauma in us so it would not be a stretch to think these may be why you have been triggered.

As San has suggested, perhaps being able to identify the sources of your EFs is actually a step forward in recovery? 
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion - Dalai Lama