Words vs. Reality

[woodsgnome]

While I seem to shift between thinking I'm on the edge of recovery while simultaneously stuck in the mud of my history, it seems the latter always has the final say. This I resolve to accept, as I know I could never change what's happened that's branded my core being as ensnared in this condition known as cptsd. 

Which is fine--I know lots; tons really. Which is also not fine--it's like being chained to a category/word, which unfortunately sums up so much of what I surmise is 'me'. I know that I'm well past the first descent into abuse. I use words to try convincing myself I'm past all of it; and it doesn't feel like I'm truly out of a deep woods with no trail out. This all starts in my core memory and runs through incident after incident after injury to considering my being as kind of a blurring ache that will never go away.

The conundrum is simple. I seem to do well with descriptions and words, which sometimes make me feel good. Certain aspects of where I fell off the edge of hope are okay as to the what, though why any of it happened eludes (in some instances I desperately don't want to know). Is this okay? It better be, but telling myself that doesn't prevent the ledge of sanity from eroding and I easily fall back into a despair deeper than last time.

I guess it ends up back at wondering if the words themselves, which are fine as they describe the problem, will ever be gotten past. One of the words, for instance, is acceptance. Aha--I pounced on this idea once I heard about it and logically figured that it was all I could really do (acceptance in the form of 'what could I have done'; not at all the same as resignation or tacit approval to any of what happened).

But I feel left with only another impossible ideal that seems to hang in the distant sky, luring me to think that yes, I can accept being caught in a vise called the past, but it's different now. And...it's not; it's just those bunch of words recycled into a mirage of recovery that isn't real.   

I'm desperate, feeling so stuck. I'm thinking others can relate, but has anyone ever felt like they've turned a corner on this? That recovery isn't just a long process with no resolution other than it's impossible to reach? Or is acceptance as far as I'll ever make it? Is this what's called surrender? Is it really a good thing--or yet another word describing the sense of being stuck?

[Kizzie]

Hey WG, I don't know if you read the blog article by Leslie Browning. but it is her belief that we can transcend (versus recover from) trauma by being radically authentic (accepting we will never be the same again, being open  and connecting with others).  It may/may not resonate with you I don't know    What she made me think about is my perception of what it means to recover or heal, to be more open about having CPTSD, and to continue to connect with others because CPTSD is often isolating and stigmatizing  (Scroll down here - http://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers/. )

There are others who contend healing is possible.  For example presenting at the "Healing Trauma" summit this past week, Peter Levine writes "I believe not only that trauma is curable, but that the healing process can be a catalyst for profound awakening."   The summit drew on a wide range of fields which for me underscored the need to consider different avenues to healing than just talk therapy in order to move forward from where I am. 

Just some thoughts for what they're worth.

[sanmagic7]

dearest wg,

i do feel like i've turned corners on this, even tho they may be micro-mini corners. but it feels like there have been a lot of them over time and they've accumulated.  so, even when i have bad days and feel like 'will this never end?  i don't want to keep doing this!', i'm more generally in a place now that i can go easier on myself and don't fall as deeply into that pit of despair.

don't know if this makes sense to you, i hope so.  the idea of micro-mini just came to my mind as i was writing, but it does seem to fit.  almost like what i understand graphics resolution to be.  to my mind, computer graphics are made up of squares or octagons, small non-rounded entities.  so, the smaller they are, the greater the resolution, and the nearer they come to making smooth curvilinear image.

they'll never achieve an actual roundness, like i don't know that i'll ever be completely 'cured' of c-ptsd symptoms, but as more of them get crammed into a space, the closer they come.  so, all these little corners i've turned keep getting me closer to my goal of absolute health and well-being, even if i don't ever actually reach that goal.  i think i'm closer to it now, tho, than i was 6 mos. ago.

at any rate, wg, i absolutely hear you, even if i can't explain it really well.  i just hope that you can see your own little corners that you've turned, and know that you're a bit different now than you once were, but in a healthier way.   a warm loving hug to you, sweetie.  hang tough - we're hangin' right beside you.

[woodsgnome]

Kizzie and Sanmagic 7--thank you for such thoughtful replies.

Both of you point out directions I should consider as I feel like I'm on a route that keeps narrowing. Right now I'm considering 'radical authenticity' as the only way to transcend whatever recovery involves. It's like I knew this, and exhibit several radically authentic traits. These include thinking outside the box, risking not following the crowd, feeling the push/pull around wanting connections that best feed my heart's needs.

I've taken to valuing heartfulness (essence) more than mindfulness (useful to clarify and tamp down stray thoughts; but with cptsd thoughts are almost impossible to dislodge--hence my preference for the heart aspect). I'm running into a bit of over-think but also need to better define this new land beyond mere recovery. I've always been bothered by what the word 'recovery' would mean to me. The word can literally scare me, as it implies a return to some ideal state, but I have no life safe enough to warrant returning to.

Sanmagic7's notion of "micro-mini corners" is appealing, while also requiring giving up on these sudden leaps we'd like to make. I often think in terms of shrinking expectations and this metaphor of even smaller micro-mini corners fits that process. 

I love San's explanation that  "the idea of micro-mini just came to my mind as i was writing". That's a classic example of radical authenticity in action. Coming up with these alternatives to the old ways of thinking are important piece for me in coming to terms with getting a handle on this situation beyond the words. They are required as starting points, sort of like crutches; necessary following the injury but at some point there's that first terrifying step beyond. I'm still struggling with that stage.

Thanks again, Kizzie and Sanmagic7--I needed precisely the boost you were willing to offer. 

 

[Kizzie]

Just read an article called "Goodbye to the Good Survivor". and thought of you WG and what Leslie Browning had to say.  I found it quite thought provoking and I hope it is for you also     

[woodsgnome]

Thank you for that link, Kizzie. It speaks a lot to what's really needed, not what society's expectations are.

As Isabel Abbott explains, it's a matter of allowing ourselves to be fully human, whether that makes one a 'good survivor' or not. As someone who only recently could barely accept that I even had feelings worth having, it's impossible to play this game of how I'm expected to be any longer, per Leslie Browning's call for 'Radical Authenticity'.

[Libby183]

Thank you,  woodsgnome, for such honest posts,  and thank you,  Kizzie,  for the above link.

This all speaks very much to how I have been thinking and feeling since my therapy "broke down."

The therapy was helpful to a point ( in easing chronic pain and emetophobia) but I was very uneasy about the insistence that I forgive my parents.  Her message was that being damaging parents is just part of being human so I had to forgive. Society expected it of me. It was giving me treatment so that I would be a "good survivor". Excellent phrase!  Only I couldn't or wouldn't forgive so therapy had to end.

My abuse story started before I was born, with my mother's problems and her long family history of mental illness. But society,  as represented by my NHS therapist and GPs want me to be someone completely different.

For so many years,  I was forced to be sociable.  First by parents - sent to loads of societies and taken to every community event. Kicking and screaming,  or sulky and unwilling!

As an adult,  it was always advised to be sociable ; mix with fellow parents ; get involved.  I tried and tried but every single interaction caused me such pain.

Being what society wanted was actually really bad for me, something I wish I had realised sooner.

[radical]

Thank you for expressing this, WG, and also for the link, Kizzie.

It's so strange the syncronicity I find here.  Maybe it is just that the world and the experience of CPTSD takes us to similar places. 

More and more I find that "healing" isn't anything like what I expected it to be.  It isn't for me, about being what anyone else expects, but more and more allowing myself to be, and letting the chips fall as they may.  The only  real acceptance or understanding   (and therefore connection with) others, and also with myself is from finding what is me in the moment, putting it together/figuring it out on the hoof - not some illusion of "being" together.  That is something I'll never be, and I'm so weary of trying to fit myself into being something else.  Also, as time goes on I realise how much I don't want to.

At least this seems to mean that agony dissipates, even though it returns, and I can feel the beauty in the spaces between.

I think I have been hung up on good and evil, as if one can ever entirely eclipse the other.  Partly it is a problem with the words.

[Libby183]

Hi again.

I was in danger of a ridiculously long post so decided to split it up.

Like you ponder on,  woodsgnome, I don't think anymore that there is a "cure". Not for me,  anyway. This is me. I don't feel part of society and am not fighting against this any more.

My disordered mother encouraged me to have children,  because she wanted grandchildren,  and after all, society expects people to have children.  Society will never question everyone's right to have children,  so those of us damaged by our parents have to be dealt with so that we fit in with societies' rules.

I know that people, doctors and therapists included, would say that these feelings are just the result of my disordered thinking.  And yes, they are right.  But isn't my view valid because it comes from my experience of life?  It is me! 

I will always be very sad and no antidepressant will help this. Neither will any therapy that tells me I am wrong all the time. 

I really hope that I have not gone over the top with this post.

Take care,

Libby.

[Kalmer]

Thank you for this post, all who have contributed. It's helpful to understand that recovery might not be a full 180 turn and fit in with societies expectations, but something much more "organic" and specific to me.

[sanmagic7]

hey, wg,

i'd never heard of radical authenticity before, so i really didn't realize i actually practiced it.  however, the idea that something comes to me, a new way of looking at something, in the moment happens to me a lot.  maybe that's part of why i've rarely fit in with society's expectations of what/who i'm supposed to be.

i know you've had a problem with the concept of 'recovery' cuz of exactly what you said - you have nothing that you know of to recover.  maybe you can create what you want to be headed toward instead.  i also know you're a very creative person, thinking on the fly with your improv experience.  rather than 'recover', you can 'remake'. 

i've had to do just that with myself on several levels.  watch myself more carefully so i don't bring undue embarrassment down on people around me.  (yeah, i have often done that).  alter voice levels and tones.  stuff like that.  as a child i was very quiet, very 'good', always striving to be perfect.  once i slipped the leash, so to speak, i went in the opposite direction.

neither one of them was really what i wanted, but were responses to various situations.  so, i'm in the process of creating, once again, a newer, more competent persona, one which stays true to me but also tempers my natural exuberance to a level that is appropriate to any given situation.  a newer version, one that continues to delve into the real me, either by finding it inside, or making it be so.

it's a learning process, after all.  an experiment.  an improvisation, if you will.    love and a warm hug, w.g.

[Kizzie]

I realized as I was reading through this thread that I had an issue with being a 'survivor' when I was dealing with Ovarian Cancer back in 2007.  Funny I hadn't connected the two before. 

I remember when people would talk about being brave and courageous something inside me would recoil because the fact of that matter was I didn't fight for my life because I was brave or anything like that.  It was simply that I.had.no.choice but to undergo surgery and chemo if I wanted to live. 

That myth of the brave or good survivor rankled because I felt a lot of pressure to live up to that image.  I watched a documentary about mythologizing breast cancer some time after and I totally related to the women interviewed who talked about how affronted they felt by the pink movement hailing them as heroic. 

I feel the same way about having CPTSD.  It is difficult and awful and I am not particularly brave, I have survived because what was/is the alternative? 

Courage is taking on new meaning as I travel along - like Leslie's notion of being radically authentic it is about being increasingly open with myself and others about having CPTSD, that's what takes courage on my part.   And being a survivor on my terms versus society's that takes courage.

[Deep Blue]

I feel the same way about having CPTSD.  It is difficult and awful and I am not particularly brave, I have survived because what was/is the alternative?