ordeal by endgame

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jamesG.1

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ordeal by endgame
« on: June 13, 2018, 09:44:10 AM »
so....

3 benefit meetings down, 1 big one to go. So far I have to say that the attitude has been really good. Sympathetic, empathic and definitely aimed at helping.

meanwhile I'm poised to escape the old world finally, but it's not going quietly. The last days of the regime are gonna hurt. Really feeling it. Feels like it is never gonna end. Ghastly.

Can't afford the feelings just hyet. But I wonder if I'm not saving up a dip? Isn't that what's happened before?

Meanwhile 2.... made contact with an old friend and guess what... C-PTSD... abusive violent partner. All the same feelings we express in here so often. There's a lot of us out there. Ah whatever.... we'll win in the end. Get the hell out of my way ye human handbrakes... I have life to live.


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Blueberry

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Re: ordeal by endgame
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2018, 10:31:44 AM »
Good news on the benefit meetings!   :thumbup:
Should is
never good,
for me.

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jamesG.1

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Re: ordeal by endgame
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2018, 02:59:37 PM »
yes, some very vindicating stuff, sadly followed by an afternoon of mindless biz partner angst and financial mayhem.

I'm that close... THAT CLOSE, to escaping all this but this part is going to be a close-run thing. You couldnt sit down and write drama this mindlesss.

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Rainagain

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Re: ordeal by endgame
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2018, 06:27:07 AM »
Mindless drama made me think of the cafe in EastEnders, I can imagine your business partner in there talking inconsequential rubbish.

Two sugars love.
Everything will be alright in the end.

If things aren't alright then it isn't the end.

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jamesG.1

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Re: ordeal by endgame
« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2018, 11:30:13 AM »
well that was a hard old day... won't elaborate on details but all the wheels kept flying off, getting put back on and flying off again. The great fast motor became a clown car several times today but at least some money appeared. I was close to luring in pigeons.

So silly to set yourself up like that, to be all-knowing and capable and then taking on too much but it's happened again and again and again.

Pushed me hard tho, my PTSD panic was firing off all day. Hat's off to propranolol, total life-saver. Only 7.30 pm now and I'm utterly spent. Is it over? Is it @£$%^&*(. Looks like another week, AT LEAST. Ye gods. It couldn't be more tailored to provoke my PTSD.

Still tomorrow I'll be taking my benefits thing ahead again. Important meeting. They certainly take it very seriously. It's so strange to feel that really, after all this. You get a weird vindication from health professionals that the people who were supposed to care never showed you. Saw this online yesterday and it says it all.

"What can interfere with getting better?

You may find that other people may:                 

    not let you talk about it
    avoid you
    be angry with you
    think of you as weak
    blame you.

These are all ways in which other people protect themselves from thinking about gruesome or horrifying events. It won’t help you because it doesn’t give you the chance to talk over what has happened to you. And it is hard to talk about such things."

https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsanddisorders/posttraumaticstressdisorder.aspx

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jamesG.1

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Re: ordeal by endgame
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2018, 04:59:22 AM »
looks li9ke I've secured my benefits... dry dock of the mind.

rest and refit.... then I start living

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radical

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Re: ordeal by endgame
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2018, 06:42:51 AM »
Very glad.  What a huge effort to get here.  Kudos for your strength of character, and for your hard work under intense duress.
Please now put that strength and determination into self-compassion and self-kindness.  When the worst external storms pass into relative calm, often these become more essential than ever.
You are worth it, life is worth it.

Don't stop telling yourself, and reminding yourself in every other way possible that you are good, you deserve peace and happiness.
The ocean is close.


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jamesG.1

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Re: ordeal by endgame
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2018, 08:12:38 AM »
heard loud and clear.

watch this space