Maintaining my life - for what?

[plantsandworms]

I have always felt like an outsider in my own life - probably because I began disassociating and engaging in escapism from a very early age. My own story has never felt like the central story. The central story was the book I was reading, or my damaged parents, or the character on TV I was over-identifying with that week. I used to sob when I was done with a book or a movie because there I was, back in my horrible and chaotic life again.

In adulthood, I've found stability. Cut off my family, found my chosen family, threw myself into therapy and finding a career. I'm having major dissasociative breakdowns less and less frequently (though the PTSD and depression are ever-present). Two weeks ago I closed on my first home. I am the first person in my family to ever own a home and I never thought I would make it to this milestone. I thought I would feel.... relieved? proud? accomplished? safe? Instead, I feel a mix of emptiness and fear. I've gotten to a point where I've learned how to secure and maintain a "normal" existence and all I can think is FOR WHAT? I know that's an awful and ungrateful way to feel. It's just that I still feel like an outsider in my own life. I still feel more engaged with people in books or on TV than with myself. I still feel emotionally lightyears away from the "chosen family" people in my life. I wake up every day and go to work and come home and call the electrician or argue with the cable company or shoot the * about the weather in the elevator and it all feels so empty and pointless? What is the point??? I'm not even sure I'm really alive unless I pinch myself? And then there's the fear - this feeling like everything I'm building is just a tower I've locked myself inside of. I feel trapped and alone, like I've always felt. I don't know where to go from here.

[Blueberry]

It sounds to me as if it could be a massive EF.
Sending safe  only since I've jsut promised myself I'd get off the forum.

[Kizzie]

So sorry to hear about the place you are in right now P&W    Congratulations of closing on your first home, that is a big accomplishment although I know you're not really feeling it right now. It seems like you have been doing quite a bit of recovery work and I wondered if maybe what you're getting up close and personal with the abandonment depression T's like Pete Walker talk about. 

It's a tough one to work through or at least it was for me because I had to let go of the hope that my family would be the loving, caring people I wanted (and deserved). Perhaps the numbing or emptiness you're feeling may be because you are facing something similar.   

Are you still seeing a T and if so have you discussed how you're feeling with him/her?