Hi!

  • 3 Replies
  • 31 Views
*

wobbly

  • Member
  • 1
    • View Profile
Hi!
« on: June 14, 2018, 03:07:12 PM »
Hello everyone. I'm a woman in her late twenties who's surprised she's so nervous typing this! I'm just going to jump right in and write down some of my story.

I have a toxic/abusive family, most of whom I don't see anymore. My mother is the one who probably did the most damage. I honestly don't know how to describe her anymore. There was enmeshment, zero boundaries, all my life. She lied, manipulated and always played the victim. It took me a long time fully figure that out, to let go of her, at least as the mother I wanted to have. That's still a process. My father was physically abusive, pretty absent, but somehow also encouraging and loving when I met him again in my early twenties. He then suddenly passed away, basically because he couldn't take care of himself due to his mental health. They both had pretty severe mental health issues. They leaned on us, on my sister and I. My sister was always angry with me, had the same short temper my father had. I finally got out, moved away, was diagnosed with a bunch of things, among them CPTSD, got a therapist and started recovery(obviously the story is more complicated and messy than that, but that would take me hours).

I've had a lot of toxic friends as well, and one by one I slowly removed them from my life. I've been alone for a loooong time. Years. I chose those friends because I knew they weren't really there for me. So I never had to be vulnerable or show my true self. I never had a friend I could fully be myself with, I was always hiding different parts.

I'm isolated. I don't trust anyone anymore, and I can't remember the last time I did trust someone. That's why I'm here, mostly. I'm in a parentification therapy group, and even though I've only been twice, it's a huge relief to talk to people who have similar stories. It feels literally impossible to talk about any of it sometimes, but I know I want to. I have a lot of shame surrounding so many areas of myself, my life. I want to let go of that. The more I get distance from my family, the more I realize they're really never going to ruin my life again, the more I feel ready to connect to others.

There was a bit of a shift, today. I don't remember feeling this lonely, ever. I was going somewhere, and I knew that I would be playing a part there. That I would pretend everything was fine, as I always do. I help everyone, I avoid talking about personal things, I feel like a robot. And suddenly, I broke down and cried non stop for about an hour - I realized I had no energy to pretend to be someone else anymore. This coping mechanism of hiding, dissociating, avoiding and pretending is feeding my depression. And that depression, being down in that dark hopeless place, I think it finally scares me more than being my true, vulnerable self. I'd rather take a chance, even if I get hurt. I'd rather take the risk and share these ''secrets''. Frankly: I'd rather live - because this is no life.

SO. Because I loved being on a forum once upon a time, about a decade ago, and found it way easier to connect to people there than in my high school, I figured: why not start here. Why not take baby steps. And I can't believe how scary this is, even though I'm anonymous. I hope this is the beginning of something.

*

Deep Blue

  • Member
  • 365
    • View Profile
Re: Hi!
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2018, 06:55:38 PM »
Hello wobbly,
Iím glad you found us and had the courage to post.   :heythere:   The people here are wonderful and have really helped me in my journey. 
Warm welcome
Deep Blue
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.

*

Libby183

  • Member
  • 114
    • View Profile
Re: Hi!
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2018, 11:28:17 PM »
Welcome to OOTS,  Wobbly.

Everything you describe about your history and how you feel now sounds so familiar.  I am so pleased to read that you are dealing with all of this in your twenties.

There are many great people here, with lots of advice and support.

Take care.

Libby.

*

Roe Lee

  • Member
  • 30
    • View Profile
Re: Hi!
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2018, 04:07:03 AM »
Hi Wobbly,

Welcome to this forum! it's nice and lovely and i'm so glad you're here.

Your situation is so similar to mine, and i can relate to your emotions.

What struck me most about you is that you are full of hope despite everything you've experienced. I feel that is amazingly inspirational. Not many people realise that hope is such a powerful tool. I've always said that hope and love are great catalysts for good things to come.

And you are a good thing :)

All my love,
Roe.