Hi!

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wobbly

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Hi!
« on: June 14, 2018, 10:07:12 PM »
Hello everyone. I'm a woman in her late twenties who's surprised she's so nervous typing this! I'm just going to jump right in and write down some of my story.

I have a toxic/abusive family, most of whom I don't see anymore. My mother is the one who probably did the most damage. I honestly don't know how to describe her anymore. There was enmeshment, zero boundaries, all my life. She lied, manipulated and always played the victim. It took me a long time fully figure that out, to let go of her, at least as the mother I wanted to have. That's still a process. My father was physically abusive, pretty absent, but somehow also encouraging and loving when I met him again in my early twenties. He then suddenly passed away, basically because he couldn't take care of himself due to his mental health. They both had pretty severe mental health issues. They leaned on us, on my sister and I. My sister was always angry with me, had the same short temper my father had. I finally got out, moved away, was diagnosed with a bunch of things, among them CPTSD, got a therapist and started recovery(obviously the story is more complicated and messy than that, but that would take me hours).

I've had a lot of toxic friends as well, and one by one I slowly removed them from my life. I've been alone for a loooong time. Years. I chose those friends because I knew they weren't really there for me. So I never had to be vulnerable or show my true self. I never had a friend I could fully be myself with, I was always hiding different parts.

I'm isolated. I don't trust anyone anymore, and I can't remember the last time I did trust someone. That's why I'm here, mostly. I'm in a parentification therapy group, and even though I've only been twice, it's a huge relief to talk to people who have similar stories. It feels literally impossible to talk about any of it sometimes, but I know I want to. I have a lot of shame surrounding so many areas of myself, my life. I want to let go of that. The more I get distance from my family, the more I realize they're really never going to ruin my life again, the more I feel ready to connect to others.

There was a bit of a shift, today. I don't remember feeling this lonely, ever. I was going somewhere, and I knew that I would be playing a part there. That I would pretend everything was fine, as I always do. I help everyone, I avoid talking about personal things, I feel like a robot. And suddenly, I broke down and cried non stop for about an hour - I realized I had no energy to pretend to be someone else anymore. This coping mechanism of hiding, dissociating, avoiding and pretending is feeding my depression. And that depression, being down in that dark hopeless place, I think it finally scares me more than being my true, vulnerable self. I'd rather take a chance, even if I get hurt. I'd rather take the risk and share these ''secrets''. Frankly: I'd rather live - because this is no life.

SO. Because I loved being on a forum once upon a time, about a decade ago, and found it way easier to connect to people there than in my high school, I figured: why not start here. Why not take baby steps. And I can't believe how scary this is, even though I'm anonymous. I hope this is the beginning of something.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Hi!
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2018, 01:55:38 AM »
Hello wobbly,
Iím glad you found us and had the courage to post.   :heythere:   The people here are wonderful and have really helped me in my journey. 
Warm welcome
Deep Blue

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Libby183

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Re: Hi!
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2018, 06:28:17 AM »
Welcome to OOTS,  Wobbly.

Everything you describe about your history and how you feel now sounds so familiar.  I am so pleased to read that you are dealing with all of this in your twenties.

There are many great people here, with lots of advice and support.

Take care.

Libby.

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Roe Lee

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Re: Hi!
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2018, 11:07:03 AM »
Hi Wobbly,

Welcome to this forum! it's nice and lovely and i'm so glad you're here.

Your situation is so similar to mine, and i can relate to your emotions.

What struck me most about you is that you are full of hope despite everything you've experienced. I feel that is amazingly inspirational. Not many people realise that hope is such a powerful tool. I've always said that hope and love are great catalysts for good things to come.

And you are a good thing :)

All my love,
Roe.

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wobbly

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Re: Hi!
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2018, 03:14:07 PM »
I'm not entirely sure how this works so I hope I'm doing this right. Thanks for the kind words, sorry for the late response - for some reason it's been even harder to go see if anyone replied and then respond on top of that. I'm very happy you did! It's especially good to know people can relate.

It's funny, Libby, I feel so old and behind in life at 28, and I've always felt that way. But I guess a lot of us always feel that way when life(/abuse/trauma) happens and years seem to disappear. Hard to keep perspective sometimes. I try to remind myself that it doesn't really matter, better late than never.

Your words really touched me, Roe. Hope and love can be absent when growing up in an abusive home, and that definitely was the case for me. But I think we have this indestructible center, and it's there in the darkest times, and no one can take it from us. Even when we think we've lost everything, it's there. I have such a stubborn, optimistic voice that comes out especially when it all feels hopeless, ha.

I really feel like I've done this whole replying thing aaaall wrong, ha. Please tell me if I did. Thank you so much for the warm welcome, all. :)

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ah

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Re: Hi!
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2018, 04:03:25 PM »
Hi Wobbly  :heythere: I love your nickname.

I'm glad you found the forums and took the plunge and wrote, and I can absolutely relate too. Everything you wrote is totally coherent and sad and familiar sounding. I'm sorry you had to go through it. I bet learning to parent yourself and regain your own sense of self in therapy can be harder than dissociation at times. Looking straight at pain without turning away from it can be like looking directly at the sun, for me at least. So I totally relate.

P.S. I think you've done the replying thing just right. Anyway, if you had done it wrong then I'm doing it wrong now too, you're not alone :whistling:)

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Blueberry

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Re: Hi!
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2018, 04:07:45 PM »
Hello Wobbly, welcome to the forum  :heythere: Glad you found us and that you had the courage to come back and check for replies. Yay!

It's not uncommon with cptsd to think you're doing things wrong, making mistakes all over the place, using the wrong words  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah:. It's one of my problems too and I'm not the only one here who mentions that in posts, so join the club  ;)

We do have Guidelines http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=104.0 and if you follow them you'll be fine.  :yes:

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finallyfree

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Re: Hi!
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2018, 09:05:12 PM »
Hello and welcome, It sounds like your on the right track, stay strong and hope you are feeling better.  :heythere: :hug:
Finallyfree

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wobbly

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Re: Hi!
« Reply #8 on: July 04, 2018, 08:56:07 PM »
Thanks for responding, all. I know - the panic of doing something wrong is very much present, constantly, in my life. Fun fun fun. But good to know I'm not doing it wrong.

And @ah - At times it feels counter intuitive to open up and choose to feel all of it, totally. Absolutely terrifying, but we don't really have an option, I guess. Either face it or be stuck here forever. So I guess we're doing this. (: