New Member

[feyre24]

This is my first time posting on OOTS. My therapist recommended finding an online community of people, because I've been feeling really isolated and like no one understands what goes on in my head.

I believe I developed CPTSD in childhood and that I experienced CSA, but I do not remember the details of what happened to me. I've always been extremely anxious, depressed, and "emotional."

There was more CSA by a relative whose family I had gone to live with. Meanwhile, my grandfather, who was one of my best friends, passed away. I believe that was when my abuser started grooming me. This continued up until adulthood when I moved away for college.

Now I am in grad school (which has its own challenges and stresses) and some memories are starting to come back. Being taken to a park and yelled at when I didn't want to take off my clothes for the camera. A dissociated memory of seeing myself being sexually assaulted on the college campus where I did undergrad. Along with the CSA was a lot of narcissistic and emotional abuse. This abuse now takes the form of a voice in my head that criticizes everything I say and do, making it hard to complete my day to day grad school work and hard to let myself enjoy time with my partner and any down time I get as a full time student.

I've been diagnosed with CPTSD and trauma-related dissociation. Due to the nature of my abuse, I feel numb and separate from my body. I was often body shamed by my abuser and my extended family. Even though I have made the decision to be estranged from most of my family, I still continue to have panic attacks and feel as though I am worthless.

Today, I had a panic attack  and then I just went numb. I felt this big weight in my chest and just wished all of the feeling in my body would stop. Then I felt phantom hands hitting me on my torso and I told myself I was a piece of s***. I think maybe I dissociated while being physically abused in addition to the CSA. 

I'm nervous to post this but excited to be a part of a community.

[Deep Blue]

Welcome 
You are in the right place.  I think you will find that many of us can empathize with your story.  Best wishes to you as you begin your journey.  The people here have become so important to me in a short while.  Our past abuse bonds us in a way that is hard to explain.
- Deep Blue

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi feyre
Welcome and thank you for sharing with bravery and honesty.
I'm sorry to hear of the panic attacks they are very difficult. I used to get them and still do sometimes but they come in a different way now. Grounding can be helpful pushing the legs and feet into the ground and imagining roots. Also nervous system regulation breathing daily 4 breaths in hold for 6 and out for 7.
Remembering as well that panic always hits its peak ( and nothing bad will happen it just feels like it ) and then it drops and goes away.
Yes I get flashbacks too I can't remember all of it and so don't really know of more went on.
Quote 'voice in my head that criticises everything I do' yes I can really relate it's really hard to live with. Have you some techniques that help you with it ? For me I work on self compassion but I do find it hard not to listen to the negative rumination ..
you sound like you are doing well in spite of the symptoms .. attending full time college is a big deal and takes commitment. Shows you have a real fighting spirit and want a good life for your self which is possible. Do u have therapeutic support ?

[feyre24]

@Boatsetsailrose Thank you! I am glad to hear that you do not get the panic attacks as much as before. Thank you so much for sharing. I am learning some techniques from my therapist on how to ground myself and regulate my nervous system. Have you done tapping? That's what we went over during the last session. I have been trying to focus on grounding meditations.
I really like your point about panic hitting its peak and always going away. I think that's how I started to feel yesterday. I realized that even if I can't prevent every panic attack, I know that I will be safe eventually. Especially since I have been working on letting go of the toxic people who were deeply ingrained in my life.
As for the critical voice in my head, I have started to do some more self compassion. It was really hard in the beginning as I didn't believe that I deserved it. During my first session my therapist said that I am the most important, and I've been trying to tell myself that.
I am fortunate enough to have therapeutic support. I just started with a new therapist and I think things are going to progress faster now that I am in the right type of treatment. My past therapist didn't specialize in dissociation.
Thanks. I appreciate your kind words. It is hard to see myself in that light as a fighter, because I have internalized so much negative feedback and emotional abuse.
Your response means a lot!

@Deep Blue Thank you! I'm glad to be here. It feels amazing to talk to people who empathize. It almost feels like we have a completely different lens of the world and our experiences. Thank you for reaching out!

[sanmagic7]

hey, feyre, welcome and glad you're here.

i've found this place to be way more than i expected as far as support, acceptance, and kindness goes.  i'm glad you're able to already begin to feel that as well.  sending love and hugs, if you're ok with that.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi feyre
Yes tapping is so good I went to a workshop the other wk. Thank you for the reminder as i forgot about it.
With my therapist today I talked about the negative critic in my head. She got me to feel into if it feels weak and is trying to gain power from another part of me ? I said yes that feels true and so she has suggested I view and explore things from that angle over the next wk. I'll take anything that helps as it's my worse symptom and crucifies me I'm on an anti dep which does dampen it down but it's still there..

[feyre24]

@Boatsetsailrose I am glad to hear that tapping is helpful for you. I haven't been using it as much this past week, but I hope to do so in the future. Thank you for sharing what you and your therapist talked about regarding the negative critic. What you are saying really resonoates with me (about it being a weak part trying to gain power from another part). That is a very interesting angle. I think it will be helpful for me. I am also on an anti dep med. Thanks again for your comment. It feels to amazing to talk to others whose stories ring true.

@sanmagic7 I'm glad I'm here, too! Thank you for the love and hugs as well. This website is really a gem during a really hard time.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Really helped me today to log on and see your reply and then remember what my therapist had said about the weak part..
I just had a wk end away around a lot of people and inadequacy was on me big time. I forgot what the therapist had said but now am reminded
Grateful

[feyre24]

@Boatsetsailrose Apologies for the belated reply. I've been on an international trip for school. I'm so glad to hear that the reply was a helpful reminder. Thanks again for sharing. Actually, logging on today and getting the same reminder was super helpful. Been having a really hard time today with negative rumination. I've been away for a week and at an international conference, so I've been struggling this whole time with inadequacy. I just started with my new therapist, so I hope to discuss it with her when I get back home. Wishing you the best!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi feyre
So sorry to hear you have been at the mercy of the inner critic and it's inadequacy 'stories'. Another tool I have learnt which may help is to write what I am thinking/ feeling out and then with the other hand ( the non dominant hand ) write the response. I have found this such an effective tool as it taps into the empathic and compassionate side which I don't usually have access to ..

[feyre24]

@Boatsetsailrose That is an amazing exercise. Thank you so much for sharing. My apologies for being MIA. Having a tough night and thought to come here.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi feyre
Glad to.hear you finding it helpful.for you
Gentleness is such a healing safe tool.