Former Parents Birthdays Mothers Day and Fathers Day

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finallyfree

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Former Parents Birthdays Mothers Day and Fathers Day
« on: June 18, 2018, 11:49:26 AM »
I spent my entire life attempting to please both my former parents especially on these two holidays. It was a celebration for both as my former mother was born on fathers day and my former father was born on mothers day. So each always had a birthday on or around these days and they were always celebrated together. I know last year, the first mothers day after I was disowned my covert narc former mom typed a nasty note and mailed it to me from my controlling alcoholic overt narc former father shaming me for not sending her a card, and again disowning me and making it clear I was now also not welcome at his funeral. What amazes me is they never ever once in my entire life have I ever seen them take any responsibility for their harmful actions and hurtful words?

They ignored my birthday's my entire life. I am number 5 of six, but the last birthday in my family, I have one sister that is one year and three days older than I am. I remember being very small and they celebrated all 5 siblings birthdays and made them feel special and then mine came and went and my mother said " we will do it later" and it never happened. It was this that made me realize to never expect anything from them and year after year even into adulthood I got a card in the mail if I was lucky, no gift and they had planned parties for my golden child siblings and my golden child brothers abusive alcoholic stripper wife. I just accepted it, and still was the only one of their children that lives close to them that bought them cards and gifts and attempted to make them feel special on these days as well as their wedding anniversary.

I would bring an entire meal and cakes and presents............................................I just feel so stupid now in retrospect. I am sure without realizing it I was attempting to buy their love and affection. It sadly never happened. But I did love them and wanted to do nice things for them even knowing they never reciprocated, just because they were my parents. I think I always attempted to have normal in an extremely dysfunctional family. I craved normal and attempted to create it with people that would never behave the slightest bit the same way with me. They love chaos and drama!

So this year mothers day and former fathers birthday went by smoothly, which I was very happy about, of course they no longer have my address. Then on my former mothers birthday, I received 6 consecutive hang up calls from a local number at my office. This is exactly who she is, she wants to get me on the phone and have contact, just so she can then hang up the phone and create an entirely different reality of that conversation and play the victim some more and create drama. This is her favorite past time. Which is one of the many reasons I refuse to engage at all.

I feel like I almost turned myself inside out to help them, love them and please them and it was never appreciated or reciprocated in the slightest. Also the way I was spoken to and disowned was so painful, I became almost paralyzed with grief. I just can't allow this again, I must protect myself at all cost now. I know they did not get one gift last year or this year, and I know they still sit over there only blaming and complaining about me, while their golden children take advantage of them financially and otherwise. I am also grateful I do not have to see or listen to any of this.

I had a good mothers day and I also had a nice quiet peaceful fathers day, by myself. My hope is this trend continues. Be good to and care for yourselves on these days, if you really think about it we ended up being our own parents to ourselves, where they failed us.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2018, 10:06:11 AM by Kizzie »

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Kizzie

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Re: Former Parents Birthdays Mothers Day and Fathers Day
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2018, 10:14:10 AM »
Glad to hear you had a better Mother's & Father's Day than in the past FF.  It's sad that we did not have the parents we deserved, it's tough one to deal with but it sounds like you know what YOU need now and are putting yourself first and foremost.   :thumbup:

My B lives in the same city as our NPDM and he is constantly stepping and fetching and dealing with her N behaviour.  He is the GC but he pays a big price.  It reminds me why my family and I moved across the country and are LC, it just takes so much energy and time. Glad to be 'finally free' too  :)

 :hug:



When it comes to trauma, time does NOT heal all wounds. It is deeply embodied in our mind, body & spirit & requires compassionate, knowledgeable treatment & self-care.

If we want more/better trauma informed treatment & services, we must advocate for ourselves when & where we can.

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finallyfree

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Re: Former Parents Birthdays Mothers Day and Fathers Day
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2018, 11:03:42 AM »
Kizzie,
Thank you so much for you reply and kind words. What I try to understand and never really will, is that I was so good and kind and genuine with my parents, I attempted to love them unconditionally despite all of their faults and abusiveness. I accepted them and attempted to love them despite all of the chaos they created and then dumped onto me. And my golden child siblings arenít even nice to them??? They are abusive, greedy, selfish, manipulative people. And my parents treat them like they are perfect, and bend over backwards for them in every way. Covering up all of their bad behavior and lies by scapegoating me for all of it, when I clearly had nothing to do with any of it. I do get it they are mentally unwell, but itís still some days a hard pill to swallow. Thanks for always listening and for your support, I appreciate you and all of the kind people on this site so much.

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Sadie48

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Re: Former Parents Birthdays Mothers Day and Fathers Day
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2018, 11:19:22 AM »
Finallyfree,
It sounds like you're doing the right things for yourself. I think as even adult children of abusive parents, we keep trying to gain acceptance or please because it's natural.  Or figure out why they couldn't see how hard you were trying.  You were kind and generous to even try in the past.  But some parents/family are too self-centered or traumatized themselves to even recognize what they are doing.  Breathe.  Enjoy the peace you have created for yourself.

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finallyfree

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Re: Former Parents Birthdays Mothers Day and Fathers Day
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2018, 11:54:19 AM »
Sadie,
Thanks so much, I know you are correct. I was forced into no contact by being disowned by them as a punishment for something my golden child sister did. One of her many transgressions that I have sadly been unjustly punished for my whole life. What I realized when this happened was I just couldnít take it anymore and they really were doing me a favor. I have created a quiet peaceful existence and just attempt to only care for myself now. I do finally feel better, and my health and well being are no longer being compromised with all of their self inflicted stress and drama. I know no matter what I can never ever go back to that. I thank you for listening and hope you are doing well too!  :hug: