First Post- I feel like I'm mourning the death of myself (TRIGGER WARNING).

[mourningme]

I am in a loving marriage that has reached its breaking point and my husband is about to leave me, he threatens it every time we fight.
In our most recent fight he actually said to me he wished he could put a gun in his mouth and blow him self away to get away from me (2 days ago). This is after I have told him I am beginning to have suicidal thoughts....this disease is putting it into my mind as the only true way to escape the torture I am in.
In calmer moments after outrageous fights he tells me all the right things but every time we fight it's the same old thing...him rejecting my feelings and thoughts, saying I'm crazy, and attacking me for being crippled with this. I feel like I am constantly kicking and screaming and feeling like a small child begging him to notice that this is real and it's killing me.  He is just burdened by this and looking for a way out.

He knew I was sexually abused before we were married. This is not something he didn't know when he said "in sickness and in health"

My heart just aches to have one person understand me.  He is the only person who pretends to care yet crushes my soul every time * gets real. I don't feel safe I feel like I have to hide this from him and it's enraging that on good days he just takes and takes and takes...pretending nothing is wrong and then as soon as I am symptomatic he says every worst possible thing to me to kill my spirit over and over.   

I did not ask for this, I did not ask for my 4 year old body to be casually put in the care of my own mothers abuser with the disclaimer "I never thought he would do it to you", I never asked for my father to sit back and allow me to be carelessly put into the hands of a known monster without stopping her. I did not ask to have my older brother continue the incest and take everything from my ten year old body.

I did not ask for the birth of my first child at 29 years old to open the flood gates on my past and for the birth of my daughter to put me into a literal constant triggered state because I can't see anything but how my parents could put something so precious in the hands of a monster.  I look at her and i see myself and my innocence and my heart breaks over and over every day.

I can't accept that I wasn't worth being protected, I was actually handed over to him to repeat the cycle.
Being a mother myself has only brought into glaring focus the absolute never ending rage I feel as the lack of protection from my parents literally caused the turmoil that is my life today.

It wasn't until I googled "I feel like I'm mourning the death of myself" that I was finally introduced to my living nightmare with 100s of hits on
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

[ah]

Hi Mourningme 

I'm glad you're here, and I'm so, so sorry your life has been filled with so much pain and betrayal.
Your post's title caught my attention, I've been trying to run away from mourning the death of myself for a long time now. I guess those of us who knew pain from such a young age never got to know who we could have become if things were different.

All that I've read and learned about complex ptsd seems to indicate it's very strongly physiological. It's a fight-or-flight reaction in our body that's so strong and chronic that it's become our baseline. Do you maybe have a therapist? Any way to look for a trauma therapist? There are things that can help, lower its intensity here and there and understand better and better what's going on.

I wish I could take this pain from you. Yes, you were just as precious as your daughter, and you deserved protection and love.
You're not alone.

[sanmagic7]

welcome, mourningme,

i certainly share your sense of loss of so many parts of you that should have stayed intact.  this beast known as c-ptsd is monstrous in its own right as well. 

i'm so sorry for your pain and suffering, first at the hands of monsters, now with your husband.  what a horrible cycle to be stuck in.  i agree with ah that a therapist may be helpful, for you and for the both of you, if your husband would agree to it.  at the very least you found us, and we're glad you did.  this is a safe haven, has been for me, and i hope you find it the same.

we're all in this together.   sending a warm, caring hug to you, if that's ok.

[mourningme]

Dear ah and sanmagic7,
Thank you for your messages. It brings me comfort to know that without even knowing me you both understand. I am in the lowest point I have ever been and from what I am learning , it's only going to get worse before it ( might- if ever  ) get better.

I feel so envious of people who escaped childhood without being preyed upon...I ALWAYS wonder how my life's trajectory would have went if I wasn't so severely screwed over at literally the beginning of my life. I never even had a chance to be an unencumbered, free spirited child...my soul was murdered at the outset.  My first memories of my life are of my abuse.  My first memories.
I read both of your messages and it is helpful to know that you understand- I mean on a visceral level- you understand exactly what I mean by grieving and mourning my own self even though I get up and walk around I am stuck as a confused, hurt, wounded, & betrayed little girl.  I only recently realized that what happened with both of my abusers that I was preyed upon. I of course believing my entire life these terrible things were my fault. I still feel nauseous ANY time I think of it ( which is all day everyday). I am at the beginning of what is to me an infinity of despair to get through and I just don't know what else to do but just I know at this point absolutely without a doubt that I cannot do this anymore on my own.  I have been hurt and confused by the lack of concern from my doctor ( ie husband goes in with back pain- next day he has xray, mri, referral to physio...I go in in complete crisis-weeping, overcome by symptoms  doctor coldly demands that I reveal my story, refers to female psychiatrist as I requested....2 MONTHS go by after several calls...I go into the office only to find that the psych rejected my referral MONTHS ago and it has just been sitting in limbo since with no-redirect. That was 2 years ago now. And my last straw at that time going through "getting help" on 3 different occasions only sunk me deeper and damaged me more.....aren't these people PAID to care about me???

Anyone with c-ptsd knows how this plays out...I turn away and dont allow the HELP to hurt me anymore...
Now I know that I need someone who specifically specialises in CPTSD and childhood trauma due to sexual abuse/incest Or be "trauma informed " because no one else speaks my language.  I need to be heard and not dismissed. You both gave me that and I am truly thankful to you, and send my deep compassion to you each for your specific tragedies against your sweet selves that caused us to be part of this group of people on Earth together. I will take a hug and send one back ( if you want one) otherwise, just know I see you too.

[sanmagic7]

mm, hugs are always welcome, always!  i believe they are helpers for us, helping to change our brains, perceptions, and perspectives. 

i've also been thru the professional circus of wanting help and getting harmed instead.  i think you're right on the money to seek trauma-informed professionals - they will be your best bet if there is help to be found.  from my own experience and from what i've read of the experience of others, go slow, even with someone who declares themselves to be trauma-based. 

they should always have your best interests in mind first and foremost (unlike that doctor), will be glad to go at your pace, and will watch to see that you do not get overwhelmed.  you have the power to say stop or slow down if you feel yourself going too fast or into territory you're not ready for.

since you've come here and the support has been helpful already to know you're not alone in this, and that what you're going thru is understood,  i'm hoping that it will begin getting better the more you reach out.  maybe slowly, maybe in spits and spurts (we don't tend to go in a straight line as we begin healing), but as long as we keep moving, even sideways, i believe progress is made.

i've often wondered myself what my life might have looked at with a different childhood.  i think that's a common theme.  there's a lot to mourn, sweetie, and it will take time, but i have no doubt things will begin feeling better and more hopeful eventually.  hang tough, mm - we're hangin' right beside you.  sending a loving, caring hug to you.

[Kizzie]

Hi Mourningme and a warm welcome to OOTS     I am so glad you found comfort and validation in the responses to your intro post, it can really help to be in a place where others get it. 

Unfortunately a lot of physicians don't understand or even know about Complex PTSD so many of us find we need to educate them. Toward that end there are web pages you can refer him/her to, plus some downloadable info sheets specifically written for GPS and other professionals - see http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/.  Additionally, there are some forms to track your symptoms and identify the causes of your CPTSD, and another for locating a trauma therapist. 

I also wanted to pass along a link to an online group for partners of those with CPTSD - it's the only one I know of (so far), but it is moderated by a therapist who is herself married to someone with CPTSD. It could be of some help to your H - https://www.heathertuba.com/. 

Note that I added a trigger warning to your post as a way of warning other members the content may be triggering.  Please have a read through our Member Guidelines when you have a moment as they talk more about when/why to use TWs.  Tks!

[ah]

I don't know if this helps but for me, therapy has stopped being a goal. I don't look for it anymore and don't want it.

Granted, I've been hurt by therapists in the past so I have trust issues with them but it's more than that. I find books to be very therapeutic in their own right. Books on trauma, the psychology of it and physiology of it, can be very hard for me to read sometimes. Not all theories will resonate with me; some things click while others absolutely don't so I inevitably read more books than I keep, but the ones that do make sense to me really help me understand myself and others. I develop new ways of seeing myself and my pain as a result, in the same way I imagine good therapy might accomplish.

And the forums here complement the books by reminding me I'm not the only one experiencing these horrible things. (Books are far less interactive than talking to others, after all)

Maybe don't give up on good, knowledgeable therapy. Keep looking for it. It may take some searching tough so maybe don't wait for it, either. Educate yourself, become your own expert in exactly the same way you read about cptsd and ended up here. 

I think we live in weird times nowadays when information is more prevalent than in previous generations. You can read books on trauma that the average trauma therapist may not have read at all, either because they have no time or no motivation. Use your drive to get better to learn more and more about cptsd and what you're going through and as you look for therapy, also become your own therapist, so to speak.

Maybe.